it's been five years since I've felt absolute love. I can remember how I was with that person. so free. I didn't even know what restraining or containing was with them. I wonder when that changed? When did I begin to care about holding back, hiding, trying rather than being? when did I worry more about what came out of my mouth rather than listening? conversations and topics flowed easily, now I stress in forcing them. my first love was real love. but I miss it. the feeling. the ability to give and not realize I'm giving. countless hours talking about everything, fewer held in silence but nonetheless never awkward. when did that change?
maybe nothing has. I merely need to find a person once more. a person I care more for than I care about how I'm being seen. someone that makes me forget about myself, but reminds me of me when I do. because they care as much about my well being as I'd care for theirs.
I like reminiscing.