I'm not your boyfriend
realistically speaking,
I never will be.
You think you know how much you're hurting me but you really don't.
Nights spent without you
I'm curled up in a very neat,
as small as I can manage, ball.
I sob quietly sometimes
others I just lay
absent and vacant of any emotion
I can press my fingertip to and point out.
When I'm with you,
I question everything,
every smile,
every flirtatious bat of your eye,
every letter in the words "I love you" I'm not the person you want.
I'm just your best friend who's a good lay.
How can I believe in a love
that you never give me reason to trust?
How can you be "in love" with me
but still so blindly
and
unapologetically hurt me.
I'm a good friend,
just not good enough to be a boyfriend.
But hey, you're getting what you want. And as much as it hurts,
as much as I know I'm not permanent, as much as my self worth depletes
I will continue to fall prey
to my overwhelming amount of love strictly directed at you.
When the pants end
and were laying in bed silently listening to music
I'm thinking of what I can do to make you love me the way I love you
I'll wonder what you believe what we are.
What you expect of me.
Nothing matters anymore.
I just want you to be happy.