after one of the longest nights in my memory, which in and of it's self lends to a rather limited faculty lol, and one of the darkest in recent years, I have finally let it all go, and amazingly, or more accurately shockingly to me it was the giving up the ghost that devastated me, giving up that nice and beautiful delusion proved to be a rather surprising thing.
something so seemingly simple and easy things, so truly self created surly, yeah, so simple a thing and have it up, and .... crash. I was blindsided by how utterly and completely I had truly began to rely on it, for it/ she / this delusion of a possible love became my only life boat in a deep and raging sea. **** me. **** me I ******* fell.
**** me I fell for every thing, **** me I fell for the mathematical sound, **** me I fell for the voice that I truly just....   **** me I fell, for the absolute beauty of her, she is just, simply the most beautiful thing I have seen , soft, bold, true to focus, scared, shy, graceful, timid, honest in studering stumbling of self conscience and shy, she is so brash and kick ads, so kind and abused so healing of herself and others, so judgmental and temperamental, so bossy and sad ***, so silly *** goofy and truly for that alone ,son she is bad ducking ***, she sure as hell is all these things to me, and I never expected her to live up to any of these things, but only to be what ever she be so long as she be it whole and truly.  is all, all of this all from my own silly stupid creating, your **** right and **** wrong. and I need not prove or explain it, yet , for her I will give this.  yes, I laid all these qualities and flaws of perfection upon her breast, straight out of my mind so as to give me some **** hope, **** me. but I so many times took great care in silencing my everything to listen to what I thought was her, and these things range true.   and I truly and forever more will be content in knowing them all to be true, and I have let it go.  does this mean that I will not be slapped sideways when I find she in my dreams and I fall flat *** upon my face  and kids her each time yet never allowing any thing more for desiring to respect her?  well let's say , I could not stop it if I tried and I tried. but I do not, will not seek to find, I do not look to think of her in my mind. I will not actually of intent search or wish that she ever read any utterance of me not my ****** and broken windows. and this brought my world to it's **** knees, in a crying, slobbering plea to Our Lord for anything to relieve.
does this mean I will turn her away if such a strange or unlikely thing happen that she everfind her self standing before me? what are you insane, hell no I would never turn her away, even at 80 years old bent broken and grey, but I will not seek her. and would probably fall to my grace from shock if she were to ever grace the place for mine eyes to see before me.  but, this has torn me in two, shattered my heart, and half my soul has vanished all from a **** me, delusion I fell for, **** me I fell in love,  real and true, **** me I fell all the way and I have had to throw it all away, and am left with out that comfort of delusion to carry me through. so I am at the bottom of the abyss, pitch black, no bio luminescent nothing, it is cold and I am lost. but this I choose for I have up all of my illusions and beautiful delusions for my Lord and savoir and here I wait without any claim to wealth or silly *** fame and resigning from this game for I tried, to do the best I could to make a difference and find , show, remind of the good. I must have failed, for here I sit in this place, and I simply have nothing else to say. I love you all, thank you for any support, I forgive the pains placed upon me but I am broken and half the man I ever would or could have ever been.  I hope you choose to do yourselves and one another right, be deerhearted and gentle to each other and sing your heart song in love and out loud.  good bye.  ricci dale moon / scott    badger crow moon / the shine of moon_shine  through and through, I truly do love you. all in all and all of you with my all.