I wanted to go everywhere with you, to dive into your past, the beautiful and the *****. To meet every version of self you have ever been. I wanted to see your frosting stained smile on your 8th birthday. To know you when innocence and hope still reigned. I wanted to hear your midnight laughter on an ordinary Tuesday in California. To sit on the floor in that apartment that you couldn't afford to furnish. I wanted to walk hand in hand through the years of your life.
And when my curiosity had been sated with endless waves of knowledge of you, I had hoped you would've liked to walk through my stories. To meet the now-gone women who molded my soul and gifted me with love and a sarcastic sense of humor. I wanted you to greedily feast upon all my days gone by.
Armed with an overwhelming acceptance of one another, I hoped we would embark on a path we forged together. I dreamt that when I savored pasta in Venice, I would look up to see you sitting across the table. I imagined that your smile was the last delight I would feel before I slowly drifted to sleep in Amsterdam. I thought the next time I dove under a salty wave, It would be you at my side.
I wanted to experience every taste, every touch and every breath with you standing next to me. For, life was more beautiful with your hand in mine. You were my welcome rose-colored glasses, now laying shattered on the floor.
Without you I see the world in all of its harsh grotesqueness. Without your cloud of sweetness, My past pain and horror yet unknown have taken on new strength.
I now only wish to travel back to the time, when I thought I had a chance with your heart.