I am allergic to affection

the term “I love you” makes my stomach turn and my hands sweat
and I think that is why they leave

because I know how to type it all out
but when it comes from my lips it always sounded like a plea

I do not sound desperately in love
just desperate
even the way I touched you

like I wanted so badly for you to be there in the morning but
I didn’t know how to ask you to stay without screaming it

I can’t be alone anymore

I wanted to slice my skin to show you that I needed you
but instead I scared you away

I am allergic to affection

I have never known how to hold someone
how to kiss you without biting your lips

I wanted you to be mine

but you were always so much more