it waxes,
and then it wanes
it's the honeymoon
before the shame
they told me about butterflies
but not about the pain
on your shoulder a new resting head,
I shoulder only the blame

I am that hour of night hardly anybody's ever up for
I am a fugitive fleeing visions
I am a silent spiral downwards
I am a dog chasing cars

I have compassion
well— a little
I have integrity
well— just a bit
I have self-respect
well—
well—

am I hollow?

I made a little cut
just to see if anything genuine would flow out
little did I know
in angry little streams
your hushed tone, your cologne, a warm embrace
a caress, the pain, your taste

arm around my waist and then
strong hands on my hips
you were the first to make me feel like a woman
you were also
first to leave

you said you understood me
you said you'd give me pleasure
you said the one I wanted was you and
you said you had your eye on other girls
you said "you won't feel hurt will you"
you said our thing wasn't real
you said "dear I know you're feeling for other boys" but boy, I wasn't a **** until I was called one and
you said this was only physical you said it was nothing more but you said sweet things and I entrusted myself to you you said your hands rather liked me but I didn't ask about your mind you said my fear was lovely you said it was cute the sound of me trembling you said it was temporary you said we'd have fun while it lasted you said you were leaving you said I was special you said you found someone else more special you said this was the last time you said—

.......

it waxes,
and then it wanes

it's the honeymoon
before the shame

they told me about stomachs and butterflies

but not that everything intoxicating

dies.