I'm sorry I'm never okay
Sometimes I try but it's just too much
Im bipolar in my spite
Leaning in favor of the usual heavy nights
I don't want to be this way
Drowning in self hate and craving pity
I don't know who would want this
I'm ashamed of everything I want
I'm ashamed of who I am
Sometimes I marvel at how thick the mask I put up is
I even trick myself into getting close to self love
Of course then I breakdown and realize how horrible I am
It can only last for so long
I never think of my self as suicidal
Because I couldn't actually commit it
I can't commit to anything
But I constantly think how amazing it would be to just be done with it all
I want to be done with everything
I crave a day when it's easy to breathe and I'm not terrified of everything and everyone
When someone asks what's wrong with me I never really know how to respond

I do now

"I am terrified of myself"