I have a heavy heart. and there are days it's so hard to hold on to that I want to just jump into a river of regret and let it weigh me down to very bottom so I can find peace again. I wondered why you push away? Why my ups and downs make you feel like your world is being shaken upside down. I guess, I'm just hard for other people to deal with- it's funny because imagine actually being me. I have a hard time dealing with myself- dealing with the other side of me that begs to be seen in mirrors and photos and inside the hearts of others. Why can't I find a good manic depression spoken word poem? I ask myself as I search the youtube tags and all the button poetry videos coming up with only "The Future" to satisfy my thirst for validation. I have a heavy heart- some days you feel it's too hard to carry and I begin to wonder if i can see a future with you- but I can't even seem to see a future for myself because I don't think I actually want one. I don't want to die- it's actually, I want to live but I feel like I'm dying everyday because my emotions take a noose and tie it around my brain and make a mockery of my self control- I become a puppet to these emotions and no matter how hard I try to pull away- make something of myself and take over these emotions they just push me down- making a mockery of my heavy heart and my control withers. I sit alone in my room crying until 5am again- convincing myself not to touch the razor trying to convince myself not to take those pills trying to reach out to someone, anyone to make it all feel okay again but I come up empty. So I called a hotline- 6am secrets syruping over my cellphone into the receiver into a complete stranger... I had wondered when I lost everyone- I had wondered where I lost myself. See I sent out a search party for my self-control a long time ago- but all they could find were empty pill bottles and empty alcohol bottles lining inside my closet but they never found me trapped there underneath everything I've been hoarding inside my memory for years now, I was buried there. Some days I feel like I never escaped like the old empty bottles are still weighing on top of my heavy heart making me incapable of seeing the light I have turned on for myself. My manic depression is like your favorite toy left in the basement you get excited thinking about having that joy back again but as soon as you try to go towards it you're scared and panicked of what could come after you and even when you get that courage to step foot onto those stairs leading you to your happiness- you stop, look at the darkness and slowly turn and run the other way. I will take back control eventually- I will take this illness one step at a time and hope someone will be there to hold my hand along the way although I know this heart is heavy- I am capable of carrying it alone.