Nervously lighting another cigarette
My hands twitching and my head spinning
I look back at my trips to the city
With my first love, holding hands walking all over the island of Manhattan
Wearing my leather jacket, hoody and skull cap
Then, to my current love walking side by side holding doubt in one hand and self loathing in the other
She’s so good to me so why do I do the things I do?
I am a *****
I am a pig
I am a liar
A hypocrite
And a user
Or am I just dishonest to myself?
No not just to myself but to everyone
We walk through the Village with Scott and Tony
Laughing and seeing the street art
Drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes
Looking for the next stop of our interest
I think of the girl I’m seeing behind the curtains
Do I want her? She’s unsure as I am
Asking herself if she wants me
I don’t want me
I’ll do the same to her as I did to the others
I'll lie and build obelisks of false love stories
I was a believer in love
One and only one soul mate
But the pain changed that
Now I believe in making it work
But also free love
Or am I just a bitter ****?
I don’t know
She tells me she doesn't feel special
I don’t show her off like the one before her
It’s me not her
She gives me love, honesty good times
Social networks all blocked
No contact
Secret meetings and deleted conversations
I hide my tragic impulses
Everyone knows but not really, not at all
I kissed a man two nights ago, he wants me too
But I’m just looking for a good time
Am I just young and reckless?
Or am I stupid and remorseless
No, I’m not remorseless
I wouldn't be writing this of I wasn't
Then again this situation is just another trial
Another error, a tribulation
One step closer to finding out my limits and who I really am
If I leave her I am no better than then girl who left me
A drunken decision
A painful incision in the capillary of lust
The roads are blocked, good
I can’t make a decision without them being aware of the bigger picture
I bide my time
Time
Time heals all wounds but the scared are there until forever
My stomach is in knots 24/ 7
Constipated with guilt and indecision
I ask god, Buddha, Shiva, Jesus, Mohammed, the Greek gods, the Egyptian gods, for the answer
What do I do?
What do I fix?
How can I change?
I’m tired of crying like a little boy with a scraped knee
I need to be honest with myself
They both mean nothing but they want me
I need to find a person that means something more than just a place to stick my ****
I stick my **** in other people’s lives and **** it all up
I’m a monster, a ***** devil
I’m emotionally detached I see it now; I need to find my way back to the belief I once treasured and respected
It's all on me
But I don’t know what or who I want
I must find the pedestal and place someone up there
Or do I?
Do I really need someone right now?
Is it time?
I don’t know?
Should I just be alone with no attachments and go on doing what I’m doing?
No, that’s not solving anything
If I’m going to be alone I’m going to be alone and not look but be looked for
I don’t know why these people are in my life
I put them there
I built the rickety bridges
And what of Kathleen?
Just sending out more lies just to get my rocks off
Nope not going down that road stopping that right here
And what of Mary? Nope not doing that either
I’m learning
But now I have two
I used to have none and that made me want everything
Now I have too much and I wish I could throw it all away
Maybe the gods sent me this to make me happy maybe I should enjoy the luxury of having people wanting me
Or maybe it’s a test to see if I deserve to find the one and only, if they exist that is
In the subway I see a girl checking me out smiling; I smile back with my girlfriend next to me
I’m disgusting
I cheated on my first love seven times and never told her, she cheated on me once and confessed and left me, karma
I deserved the pain I brought it on myself
Whoever I choose I will not cheat ever again, but who do I choose?
I need more time
So I’ll take it, I'll fake it then make it or break it
Or do I chose myself and negate everything
American spirit takes me away
Back to Manhattan
The glitz the glamour, the icy winds tearing at our faces
We wait for the 167 to take us home
I can’t sleep I text the new girl and ask many questions to get to know her better to make my decision easier, it does not help
The fact that I do that just proves my weakness
I will wind up with neither I know it
The decision that the one before had to make is now before me
I feel as though I need to choose the one I’m with to do the right thing, but what is right?
What’s right for me?
Marijuana clogs my process so I won’t partake in its consumption until the decisions made and maybe not even after
Who am I kidding?
I will