Feb 2015
I thought there was something about a cigarette
I started smoking because I was fascinated by the power it has on some people like my old man, or you
“It calms me down” you said
“It’s my escape” you said, and the other clichés I’ve been hearing you whined about
And you know, I just nodded and shrugged to each of your excuses
But last night
Last night was different.
When we sat skin by skin,
I could feel your breath on my neck
My ribs collapsing to the thought that you’d leave your scent all over me
Your fingers leaving traces on my arm
And I said to myself you were the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me
I was losing my mind trying to understand yours and
It hit me.
It was not about the cigarette
It was about you
It’s always been about you, actually
It is the way you put your Marlboro Red between your fingers
It is the way you put it between your lips
It is the way you inhale and conflate all the shining stars inside you with chemicals that will **** you in age sixty two
It is the way you bite it, writhing in such disappointment because we both know, we both know **** well that the universe treats us wrong
It is the way you get so addicted to it to notice you’ve been my favorite addiction since that first “hey”
It is the way I find you in the most comely form as you exhale and I watch the smoke lilt its way to the dark night sky
It is the way you stare at me when you smoke every eight in the evening in your balcony facing down the concrete jungle I adore the most, with rage in your eyes, yet I find it fetching in every possible way
It is the way you smell like tobacco in the next dawn but all I can think about is how much I love you
And just like the other nights,
You’d come to me as a storm
Screaming it was just a little dalliance
Screaming it was all a mistake.
How was that a mistake when I find myself in front of your door every single day again and again and again and again and again and again?
How was that a mistake when you open up your door every single day again, and again, and again?
Baby,
*Love was never a mistake.
I started smoking because I was fascinated by the power it has on some people like my old man, or you
“It calms me down” you said
“It’s my escape” you said, and the other clichés I’ve been hearing you whined about
And you know, I just nodded and shrugged to each of your excuses
But last night
Last night was different.
When we sat skin by skin,
I could feel your breath on my neck
My ribs collapsing to the thought that you’d leave your scent all over me
Your fingers leaving traces on my arm
And I said to myself you were the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me
I was losing my mind trying to understand yours and
It hit me.
It was not about the cigarette
It was about you
It’s always been about you, actually
It is the way you put your Marlboro Red between your fingers
It is the way you put it between your lips
It is the way you inhale and conflate all the shining stars inside you with chemicals that will **** you in age sixty two
It is the way you bite it, writhing in such disappointment because we both know, we both know **** well that the universe treats us wrong
It is the way you get so addicted to it to notice you’ve been my favorite addiction since that first “hey”
It is the way I find you in the most comely form as you exhale and I watch the smoke lilt its way to the dark night sky
It is the way you stare at me when you smoke every eight in the evening in your balcony facing down the concrete jungle I adore the most, with rage in your eyes, yet I find it fetching in every possible way
It is the way you smell like tobacco in the next dawn but all I can think about is how much I love you
And just like the other nights,
You’d come to me as a storm
Screaming it was just a little dalliance
Screaming it was all a mistake.
How was that a mistake when I find myself in front of your door every single day again and again and again and again and again and again?
How was that a mistake when you open up your door every single day again, and again, and again?
Baby,
*Love was never a mistake.
