I have wasted my life
worrying
and cowering
and sleeping
and crying
feeling so scared and alone
acting so ******* fragile
but now
I have a real reason to be afraid
a fear that looms
and cackles
and quakes me with fear--


I have no doubt
that I have wasted my years,
I've had ample time to grow
but remain stunted
a child still shivering in her own bruises and blood
wondering why her family doesn't love her
why no one loves her
I haven't moved on
I haven't changed
I've never lived
more than once--
the best years of my life
the best people
are behind me
ahead is work and bills and disappointment
I ****** up
I ****** up bad
I haven't made a dent in this world
no not even a scratch
I've done nothing
been nobody
and It makes me so scared
and so sad
that I'm not sure what to do
how do I move on
how do I progress
how do I start living my life
                                         a life
                                    any life
I'm desperate to know
how to fix my wrongs
I'm desperate to believe
there's a way I can come back
from this mistake.