Why do I always hold my breath
when I’m near him?
Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid
to breathe in his scent
slowly, unconsciously, gravitating towards him
getting lost in his arms
as he catches me as I begin to fall

I’m standing right there yet you don’t see me
instead walking away with someone else
I feel so small and insignificant
unwanted and out of place

her hand looks so nice in his
I hate all these couples
surrounding me
teasing and taunting me

I think of these things and
I can feel the loneliness start to build in my veins
the tightness in my chest
and the sharp pin needles attacking my heart

I can’t seem to help but despise these
happy thoughts
all the butterflies in my belly
and the way my pulse races in your presence
so I pulled off the wings of the butterflies
they died and can no longer flit about
I held my heart in place and breathed deeply
so my pulse no longer reacts to you

I killed all of the happy thoughts
shooting them down
and leaving them to rot
I pulled the feathers out of my dove angel wings
now replaced with punctured moth wings
and threw my halo out the window
now replaced by devil horns

Instead of looking to the sun
I now look to the moon
thoughts of sun shine and laughter
make me sick
I stick to the shadows and broken echoes
of a long forgotten land

I can’t seem to learn to love the
happy thoughts
anymore
barely able to stand myself
let alone you