I was celebrating as normal I'm not sure why besides oh yeah duh I'm the most awesome writer in the history of this site .
The bar was empty as usual the old crowd had been abducted by aliens and replaced by children whom seemed to believe I truly gave a fuck that there five day relationship had just fallen apart yeah live on your own bust your ass to exist then tell me how fucking hard life is okay kiddies.
It came through the wire a message that read.
Dear Gonzo I just read your recent co write and wow was I impressed
It's so great to see established writers giving new writers like yourself a break.
It appears this juvenile hamster had smoked a little to many bath salts today for they had no clue as who my ego fed arse was how dare they.
Yes kids isn't it a shame when all the kick ass drugs were discovered by your grandparents ?
Look don't reinvent the wheel if it gets you fucked up stick with the shit that hopefully doesn't make you trip balls and lock yourself in a closet with a butcher knife .
That's why I stick with the mild stuff like herion.
I was just about to write this writer wanna be a long and thoughtful response telling them in a mature way to go fuck themselves when yet another message came in .
Hey Gonzo loved your co write I always wanted to co write with a true writer any chance you could ask Helen if she would write one with me ?
Dear lord man these kids were higher than Justin bieber's over inflated ego yeah he's going to put out a new album yeah you been warned .
.
Another message came in in one after the other it was like I was driving a fucking ice cream truck on a hot summer day every bed wetter and booger picker running down behind me with there snotty little dollars clutched in hand didn't these children know I hate kids .
Well all except for barley legal hot sluts with low self esteem cause I truly love helping misguided whores yeah I know I'm such a thoughtful bastard aren't I?
I couldn't take it I slammed the laptop shut and turned up the jukebox as I poured myself a stiff drink .
At least here at the bar I could escape this insanity .
But the nightmare was far from over .
As I herd the squeal of airbrakes as a school bus came to a stop outside the bar dammit I was being invaded fuck why hadn't I infested in those rabid coyotes Lilly Mae had tried to sell me .
The little shits hit the door like invaders across are unguarded boarders yeah do you know how many millions of those fucking Canadians slip through every day .
Yeah if only we had snipers then we never would had to listen to Nickleback.
They jumped on the pool table laughed played and really started to kill my buzz as they played there modern crap they called music .
It was like being raped by a midget clown and the rest of his fifty buddies that could fit in one car I swear those fuckers can pack a car better than any Mexican I've ever known and for my fellow Latino friends out there I truly meant no disrespect please don't stab me or bounce up and down on my skull with your low rider .
Hey Gonzo the leader of this dwarf cult spoke up we want a co write with you.
Um like hell I will Frodo just take your sawed off ass and return back to the shire okay.
Fuck that stupid lord of the rings joke dork don't you know harry potter is the in thing dumbass.
The little man had said a mouthful there and being he was a Harry Potter fan I could tell he was probably used to having his mouth full of assorted things like his nerd friends magic staff .
Look sparky or dipshit or whatever the hell you name is note to anyone if you don't have boobies I probably wont care what your name is .
I truly hate kids okay and there's nothing in this world that would make me ever write anything with you so just carry your ass cause I'm sure you are missing out on some kickass time to sulk in your room that is more furnished than my entire house and post your bleeding heart sonnet all over your ex girlfriends face book wall alright.
Okay the little hamster replied .
You know Gonzo I'm real sorry you feel that way cause I was going to overlook the fact that you offered me and my friends booze and tried to get my underage sister to flash her boobies .
It's a real shame I hate to see such a talented co writer go to waste sitting in prison but you don't want to co write with us so I fully understand .
I couldn't believe this little shit was going to blackmail me it almost brought a tear to my eye how demented he truly was .
Reminds me of myself at that age when I blackmailed my sitter into showing me her boobies ahh the preciouses memories .
I weighed my options co write masterworks of true demented genius or play basketball with guys who had been in so long that they let me win cause I was a hot bitch .
Hmm I had to ponder that one cause I never was very good at basketball duh I'm white and slightly bad humored with racist jokes that if do offend get over yourself it's called a fucking joke okay.
Okay sparky you got yourself a cowriter but can I ask one thing first?
Sure Gonzo shoot.
Well being that I was going to be falsely accused of seeing your sisters boobies maybe I could actually see them?
I don't have a sister you perve I just said that to trap you into co writing for us and finish this stupid ass write cause it's drinking time and I got places to be people.
Until next time hamsters stay crazy Gonzo.