I feel as though I'm different than the people my age that I see in the bars and clubs I go to

Not better, just not like them
Maybe lesser, I don't know

I don't dress like them
I don't listen to all the same music as them
Or even into the same movies as them

I wear Italian leather Beatle boots
They wear Nikes or Jordans
I listen to Bob Dylan or The Mountain Goats
They're into whatever rapper or dj is hot right now
They're talking about American ******
And I'm still trying to wrap my head around Inland Empire and The Holy Mountain

And it's not the fact that we don't have similar interests
It's the fact that we have nothing to actually talk about or bond over

I have problems meeting people and making friends
I even have problems keeping friends

I'll tell you why
I lose friends because I see people for who they are
I observe and I listen
I'll even call someone out if I've had my fill
Or I'll do something they don''t like
Not on purpose, I just **** them off

This one time when I was younger I had this "friend" and he asked m for five bucks
Now, this kid and I wee not close at all so I said no
Then I bought a drink  or something
And the next thing I know he's calling me grimy because I had money to give him but I didn't

It was then and there I realized the concept of the phrase "people ****"

People ****
We all say that
But why?
Because when someone does something to us that we would rather not have them do we automatically put them in the category of "****"

Oh you ****
He *****
They ****

We say that because they're not doing what we'd prefer them to do
Like hang out with us
Or do us a favor
Or keep a secret
Or lend money

But there is a ratio of suckage

The sucakge of someone's person depends on their history of things they've ****** at

If someone ***** at being on time, they're not really hurting you directly
They just can't get their **** together and by now you should prepare for that
So there isn't really any harm done

But someone who acts like a friend, gets on your good side, gains your trust and makes you feel comfortable enough to let your guard down just a bit
Then turns around and bad mouths you to people
Puts word in your mouth
Even make up lies about you
That persons suckage is outta here

And that kind of experience can make a person a tad wary in social situations
Bringing me back to my main point
That I feel a sting of separation between me and my peers whenever I go out

We're all twenty something
We're all out to have a good time

Then why do I feel so inadequate?
Maybe because I'm self conscious of my appearance?
Maybe because I'm not that tall, five foot ten is the average right?
Maybe because I feel like a loser for being at a two year community college for four years because I ****** up because I went through a bad break up and went into a drug induced spiral while dating someone who I used to make the person who broke up with me jealous and at the same time enabled me to further my drug use and care free attitude to rock bottom until I realized where I was and broke up with that person, got over the first person and met someone who made me a better me and gave me the confidence to  move forward
Maybe it's because I depend on relationships too much

And that's another thing
I'm with someone
But I go out to bars and clubs with the desire to possibly meet women
What the **** is with me?
That's wrong
Isn't it?
Could I be a polygamist
Maybe I'm just a selfish ******* who thinks with his ****

Maybe it's because I'm twenty one, still living at home with my mom and dad and don't really pay for ****
I work at a middle school in my town as a janitor part time for $10.25 an hour
Four hours a day five days a week
Most kids are either living at school and graduating by now
Or working and living on their own

Should I stop comparing myself to everyone?
Yes
Should I just keep trying to better myself?
Yes
Should I let the past be the past and learn from it?
Yes
Will I?
I'm making an effort to

I hate being where I am in my life right now
I'll tell you man it's been a long road and I'm sure you've had a long road too
And I feel for you even if I don't know you or have even ever spoke with you
Because we're all human
We all share this world
So why not?

You know maybe I am different
Maybe I am a little weird
Maybe I have a few issues
Maybe I am socially inept
Maybe I do **** because I;m not doing what I wish I was doing
Good!

That means I'm not complacent
Not that I'm ungrateful or anything
But I want more for myself and I deserve it
We all do

Some people say I'm the kind of guy who isn't happy unless I'm miserable
Well they could be right
Or maybe I just haven't found what makes me happy
But I intend to