the day I asked you how I looked in my dress, I knew I looked awful. I was curious how you'd word it and if you'd be honest at all. You were, but you made it into a joke and now looking back I don't even remember where that hideous dress ended up by the end of the night. Somewhere still in your room probably.

- when you asked if I was afraid as we rode up the first hill of the roller coaster and I said no, I lied. I was terrified and when you put your hand over mine on my harness I breathed for the first time in what felt like hours.

- I wasn't ever asleep in the slightest when I pulled myself into you in the middle of the night. I was having the nightmares again and you're the only thing that makes them stop.

- the nightmares are back now. I haven't gone a night without one since you left.

- I am irrevocably in love with you.

- the night I came over and found you drunk and smashing porcelain plates against a frozen brick wall and you pushed me against it so hard I slapped you and screamed that I ******* hated everything about you just to snap you out of that blind rage and then held you for five hours while you sobbed and whispered apologies into my side, I didn't just happen to stop by. Your mother called me because you were screaming my name at the top of your lungs.

- I hate that ugly sweater you always wear because it doesn't match your eyes the right way but I love the way it always smells like you

- when you told me about how I called you at four am and started reading a eulogy I had written for my own mother and riddling off a list of songs to play at your funeral despite the fact she is still very much alive and I pretended to not remember it, I did. I remembered all of it. And I'm still embarrassed to this day.

- it's been months and I still can't put my phone on silent for fear of missing your call

- if you did call, I'm not sure I would answer          
                                                                                                                    C.a.l