I wish to be set ablaze and reborn from my own ashes
not only to start over, but so that the old me
can be as forgotten as the soot, lining chimney walls.
They say burning to death is the most painful way to die
yet still I fantasize about it, being encased in a pyre like cocoon.
yearning, like a caterpillar
for the solitary weeks in its own personal prison
knowing that weeks of whitewashed walls
will lead to open doors over flowing with brilliant color
But unlike a caterpillar, my current life is not black and white
I can not prepare to start over by hiding
So I look for all of the ways to ignite
I start with my outsides
the polish on my toe nails,
the perfume that leaves my skin smelling slightly
more like antiseptic than vanilla,
my hair spray coated curls -
its all flammable
But it does not work,
the new me will not be kindled by the light
reflecting on retinas of strangers or friends
So I move inward
looking for change in the bottom of a shot glass
swallowing hard, I down enough whiskey to
make a grown man cringe
my blood and even breath become combustable
but still nothing, so I try to force the flame in
Inhaling smoke, exhaling my good decisions
the capillaries in my lungs scream
but I breath deeper, pull harder, bringing the ember
on the end of the joint closer to my lips
They are still moistened by the liquor
surely there is enough alcohol to catch fire
Still my efforts leave me frozen,
So I try to submerge myself into heat
I become a heat seeking missile
desperate for a warm body to cling to
I retreat to sweat soaked basements of frat houses
pressing myself into generic nameless men
hoping that, if I can't absorb their warmth,
I can at least use them to fill up the holes in my plan  
But the friction of skin on skin, hands on thighs,
warm breath on my neck,
it still isn't enough.
The kind of heat I need can't be found
in a bottle or on the lips of a stranger
or beneath the dusty floorboards of this city.
I don't know where I will find it,
and I don't know how long it will take,
but I do know one thing,
I will be incendiary.
All it takes is a spark.