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L Nov 2015
listen, there's a fire deep inside the places so unknown
where the orphans and the rejects found a place to call their home
and it's crumbling to the ground
watch now, loners and their lovers must avoid the flames below
while they hold their breath and hands and disappear into the smoke
and they're fading quick, like ghosts
nothing looks the way it should and footprints trail across the street
dragging soot and ash and sorrow on the bottoms of their feet
someone smells of gasoline

there's a flood within the mothership and no one inside swims
noses struggle and make bubbles and their lungs can't seem to win
water overwhelms and drowns
memories of a brighter moment thrown aside by crashing waves
someone used to love the ocean and the salty sunny days
oh my, how things have changed

nothing was the same

you look down at your hands and notice drops of gasoline
you'd think the smell would wash away like water you released
your home was trying to grow legs and longed to finally be free
your only happy healthy hideaway was so far out of reach

you had no choice
but to **** and drown and hurt
you had no choice
you watched the home you just built burn

something about destruction pulls you close and draws you in
losing everything you've known before it leaves just means you win
nothing's changed, you've always been this way
lighting matches, digging your own shallow grave
L Nov 2015
I don’t expect you to understand me because right now I can’t even understand myself. It’s like I’m purposefully pressing my self-destruct button. No, it’s like I already have it pressed and I’m fighting myself every single day to keep my finger on it. To not let it up. Because as long as it’s not released it won’t go off. My life is like a grenade and I’ve pulled the pin. I don’t know why. Sometimes – scratch that, oftentimes—I sit awake at night and I think about how to die. Sometimes I almost follow through. The button slowly inches upwards under my finger. I’m not always strong enough to keep it pressed. I’m almost certain that things will end for me. My pain here seems to far outweigh the pain of those I’d leave behind. I’m scared of myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I want to die. I want to die. How am I supposed to reconcile that? My brain is broken. I’m broken. I don’t see a cure, but no one else sees the cracks. I feel like when I shattered—and who knows when that was, I could’ve been born like this—when I shattered, I think some of my pieces went missing. How can I fix myself if I don’t have all of the pieces? How can I ever be okay again? I imagine myself as a teapot that was dropped because it burned. Now I’m a leaky good for nothing pile of porcelain that will never do anyone any good. It hurts to feel like this. I just want to stop hurting.
L Sep 2015
of all the things i've ever loved
you deserve it most,
and i am inadequate.
if drinking's a sin
and drugs are expensive
how am i to numb this?
i've never craved anesthesia
until tonight

school taught me about bones
but it never mentioned
how caged they would make me feel
i'm trapped in this body
restricted by the only thing that's truly mine

no one likes a broken mind
everyone pities the girl with scars

and i don't understand
why some are born happy
and others with a deathwish

and maybe i'm not meant
for this life
  May 2015 L
s
ten
When I was five my mom taught me how to count to ten.
I liked the number ten
I thought that I could rule the world cause I knew how to count to ten.
I could play hide and seek now
I could make a hopscotch
I could be like my older sister
The number ten made me so happy.
When I was six I went to kindergarten
Counting to ten was baby stuff
But I still liked ten
My kindergarten teacher taught me that counting to ten ten times makes one hundred.
I cried to my mom when I got home
It seemed too complicated
So I kept counting to ten
Life was easier when only numbers one through ten existed.
When I was twelve there was a group of mean girls
Ten of them
I didn't like the number ten
that much anymore.
Cause according to them it was
How much weight I needed to lose (10lbs)
How many of my friends hate me (10)
How high I would score on a test (10%)
I could always hear them coming
all their ten steps in sync
Walking in a V
They were a flock of birds
Getting ready to attack a poor penguin who couldn't fly like them.
When I was sixteen all of the mean girls went to a different school.
I didn't have to be with the ten anymore.
I had to be with myself
I lost 10 lbs
Plus extra
I have no friends now, turns out the ten friends I had really didn't like me.
When I was sixteen boys would line up one through ten
One and two would make me cry
I told three and four that they were a waste of time, they would just hurt me
I gave five a chance
He broke me
The other five didn't get to know me
Even though they tried
They could never really know me
The me who liked only the numbers one through ten.
The me who cries at night remembering the monsters
The me who hates myself
I fake it so well
I put up a wall
Ten bricks up
Ten bricks across
My second grade teacher would have asked me how many bricks I used
But it doesn't really matter anymore
Cause behind that wall I'm self destructing
I wish I only had to count 1-10
This is sloppy but it was shoved in my head had to get it out.
L Apr 2015
so here i am again
staring at nothing
wondering where it is that i went wrong this time
and your last words echo
over and over and over
"don't call back"
you're a ghost now
and i still see you
walking the halls at night
doing the things we used to
laughing the way we used to
loving me like you used to
it's haunting
and i feel chills from nowhere
like your hands are still on me
still moving me
still holding me
like i know you never will again
and i haven't slept in weeks
and the middle of my bed
is relearning how to hold just me
because i can't stand sleeping on my side
while yours remains vacant
and i can't stand to look in mirrors
because my eyes are the same
vacant
and empty
and your clothes still hug my frame
like i wish you would
they don't keep me warm like you did
and you didn't leave reasons
and you didn't apologize
and i was left to wonder where i went wrong
but you got lucky
you don't see ghosts at night
or hear phantom laughter
or feel chills in the dark
because you weren't left to wonder
you just left
L Mar 2015
i don't believe in silence. sometimes my mind won't shut up and when it will, something else won't. i don't believe in nothing. you can't think about nothing and you can't do nothing and you can't want nothing. those are lies our minds tell us when they run out of sensible things to say. i don't believe in forgetting. memories are more than chalk drawings on sidewalk. they don't wash away when the weather changes. you can scrub and scrub until your fingers bleed and you will still see his face every time you blink. i believe in noise. i believe in thoughts so loud that your high school history teacher asks about them. i believe in thoughts so intruding that you begin to question if they're coming from someone else. i believe in something. i believe in liars claiming otherwise. i believe in something so strong that you're scared to admit its existence. i believe in remembering. i believe in tattooing your favorite moments onto your heart in clashing colors and obnoxious patterns so that every passerby can imagine them with you. i believe in holding on to your favorite days so ferociously that God himself couldn't pry them from you.
L Oct 2014
My heart is cold and my eyes are tired and I don't know why I can't see
I don't know why you can't see
My hands are shaking my lips are quaking the thoughts don't come the words aren't taking and I don't know why I can't be
I can't be what I see as me
Time flows and he goes and she won't throw words from her throat into the air I'm in despair I can't displace what's in the space  behind my face
I don't know why I can't see
I don't know why I can't be me
Shallow breathing heartbeats receding the gentle pleading to keep you from leaving the spot that ought to hold my thoughts behind my face but still I race to fill that space with who I am
I don't know why I can't see
I don't know who I'm pretending to be
Tonight I fight with all my might to find a light to make it right but I don't know who I'll say I am I don't know what's in my plan and I don't know why I can't see
I don't know why I want to see me
Happy days and sleepless nights and times without even a slight clue as to who I should try to be
I don't know why I can't see
I don't know why I can't see
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