How do you know
if the feeling is real
or a mere imagination
out of grudges?

cuz i’ve grown tired
dealing with existence
everytime it lingers
craving for closure.

I'll just let this one slip

I've been sleeping late
but not to meet the due date
i've starved my plants for 3 days
tho i know i'll cry if it dies
i went downstairs to do laundry
ended up trying a new recipe
i'm just too lazy to move my bone
slowly i'm addicted to being alone

I'll just let this one slip

i absolutely have no clue
what do people my age usually do?

I thought to myself
You're not just another chapter
You're what the whole book is all about
that the past ones have gradually built
and i'm the actress
trying to get into your words

Chapter 1
The summary has fooled me
they gave you labels and to me warnings
instead what i found was the right words
i wanted to put my thoughts into
you said it first, and i added where necessary
we somehow felt the connection,
so we both moved on to a screenplay.

Chapter 2
I couldn't keep following the lines,
for that's something a kid can also do,
so i mended where i thought defined me more
that it won't let me stand still on the stage
thinking, wondering and questioning if i'm really exploring
for i'm not supposed to repeat exactly what has been said
what's the point of watching if you can just read.

Chapter 3
I thought I was doing great
cuz you've been applauding since the beginning
but all of a sudden you stopped, and i heard "next!"
then i realized I wasn't longer something you wanted
That i turned out to be different
from what you had in mind

suddenly it felt like
somebody has just untied a blindfold from my eyes
that was when I finally knew,
it was not yet a rehearsal but an audition
with numeral candidates behind me
and I happened to be the first person you judged.

I am still
In deep thought-
Wondering, how easy I’ve let you slipped
From my hands
And from my heart

--

Let’s take a step back
And recount the moments
Recollect the memories
Reminisce the good old days
And reassess this overnight decision I’ve impulsively taken

Let’s take a few more steps back
And remember the first time I met you
Back in high school
The first time I said hi
And thought you were cute

You were a plethora of my firsts
The first boy bestfriend I’ve ever had
The first boy to ever ask me out on dates
The first boy to talk to me on a daily basis
The first boy I ever liked…. Who actually liked me back

Undoubtedly,
You were my first love

I thought I loved you like I’d never love anyone else
I told you everything
Wrecked these walls I’ve sheltered from for so long
Just to hand you this little fragile heart of mine
Through the cracked linoleum and the broken glass windows
I gave you a golden ticket and an aerial view
To my world

And after two years,
In the end,
You did decide to return the favour
You trusted me enough
To let me enter this mystical world of yours
These two dimensions you seem to always get lost in
Those two roads diverged in a wood
That you can never seem to wrap your head around
and choose

As I write this,
I start to realise why and how I stopped loving you

I think I got tired
Of trying to pull you up
As you let yourself drown in the seas
of your undecided thoughts

I stopped loving you
The moment you say “I’m going to change”
But the next day you woke up
You put on the same old clothes
You took the same route
To the place that led you exactly back to where you once were

I got sick of
Saying the same things
Over and over again
Asking you to change
Only to expect nothing in return

Truth be told
As similar as we are as people
We live in worlds too distant apart
Your world is too foreign for me, too fast and scary
Whereas my world is too small and tightly guarded, all child’s play

As much as I’d want to love you
I can’t seem to do so
And if I could, I'd say this a million times to you

I truly am sorry.

You put me through hell
But I found heaven amidst the ordeal

You told me I can't do it
But I heard you shouted thats my girl when I succeed

Why do I have to admit guilt
For being hurt and tortured

Why did you ask for me from God
When now you choose to ruin this ***.