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If this has to end
where do I go back to
is it the same space
without your abstract presence
or to my childhood bedroom
the place of just myself
and the question
"where exactly is my home"
wish I was healed
before I professed my love to you.
You see,
on days you can't find reasons anymore
feelings are all mixed up
- is this anger or sadness?
your head is 'bout to burst
wanna talk about it
but soon you'll regret
to talk means to create another perspective
another creation is already too much
so you check the date
- ah ok it's getting near, let's not talk about it
in a few days, it will all be invalid

but feelings
where do they really go
are there really places for them to settle
or just like that
they vanish
and come again
slightly different, unexpected reasons
yet still the same torment.
Today i wrote a letter to my first love
i grew up with him in my mind
i figured out dreams with him in my heart
i loved with him in every line i read

But today i wrote a letter to my first love
not with him as the antecedence
not with him actuating the things i said
not with him as the reason i wrote it

Finally, i wrote a letter to my first love
for myself who needs to escape this artificial happiness
for myself who deserves more than just the what ifs
for myself whose love has its own fate

and so after all these years,
I wrote a farewell letter to my first love.
at this very moment i've accepted
love can beautify so many pains
invalidating feelings
shredding in silence of my being
it isn't always the romance on different pages
yet the denial i've finally learnt
heartbreaks can also come from parents.
merah jambu bukan lagi warnaku

meski masih ada putih
hitam juga yang aku pilih
7 tahun telah aku rasakan mati
cukup tiga, mungkin jiwaku tiada lagi baki

sering ku ingin pulang
bertinta di atas muka surat yang sama
tiap kali itu juga lemas aku berperang
tenat kepalaku melawan apa yang di minda

rapat aku tutup mata yang segar
mendambakan saat ia terbuka
sepi di dalam penuh di luar
melakar noktah di sudut sengsara

kerana begitu aku rindu
waktu diriku dihiasai merah jambu.
this is such a weird feeling.

i saw my whole *** at a glimpse
but i don't know if my soul is in its place
i feel so distant
like waiting for something to come
is it okay to just wait?
or move before it's too late?
the two rocks crushing my head
restraining hard from a habit.
do all these only happen to me?
is there a cure for it?
i'm still waiting
for the day every place i step  
feels like home again.
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