Weenlied, weenlied
Op ń valse noot
Handel oor siekte
En eindig in dood

Gebroke verwysings
Probeer jou lei
Maar jou wysie is af
En jou ritme te lui

Weenlied , oh weenlied
My hart pleeg hoogverraad
In my soektog na jou.
Tragedies en ellende
Ñ treurspel aanskou
Deur die wyses
Die edel
Die harlekyn
sluk ek jou suur woorde
Saam met soet rosé wyn

Ek babbel , babbel
Soos ń water wat kabbel
Teen klippies in ń stroom
En oorstroom ons gesprekke
Met feite en ekke
besproei jou Met
druppels van my droom

My waarheid syfer
Deur groewe beywer
Om my insig met jou te deel
Maar deur fyn persepsie
Sien hul die infeksie
Van ń mens
Wat my hart kon steel

Ek het jou verloor tussen die lyne van my eksamen blok...
Jy was die orde in my
Lewe, die yin
Van
My yan....

My tipografie is
A
F
Want dit was jy wat
My met
Grense ingehok het
En my weerhou het
Van die eindelose hartseer
Wat in vryevers
Verskuil lê...

Maar ek het my eksamenblok
En jy het jou lektor wat
Veg
Vir die aandag wat by hom moet wees
, maar gemors word
O
P
Mense
&
Dinge
wat jou verlei...

Ons laatnag gesprekke
Ons saamlag-
Saam sing-
Saam huil-
Saamwees-
-sessies probeer vir lewe en dood klou...
Maar In die tiktak van
Die horlosie verdwyn
Die laaste bietjie van jou...

Jou ure is nie
Meer dieselfde as
Myne nie...

En die beelde van jou
Is nou slegs
'n goeie herrennering
En 'n hartseer what if...

Totsiens

Gister se tragedie
En tranedal
Skuil agter vandag
se hartseer verhaal
Ja gister se monumentale prag
Lê aan vervalle en ondermyn Sy gesag

Vandag se kuns
Bewys geen guns
Aan die brandebde hande
Wat swoeg om hul wins

Gister se weenlied neurie dit sag
Ontlok vermaak uit die jeug van vandag

In die nag se doodse donker
is selfs die krieke stil
, maar saam met honde huil
-Bloedstollend- weerklink haar gil

Die waarheid breek die stilte
die buurt slaap onversteurd
sy knaag weg aan my siel
... los my stukkend en verskeurd

Teen haar aanval is ek magteloos
, met net die wapens van die gees,
mens kan haar nie oorwin nie
want waar jy nog moet beskerm -
was sy alreeds gewees

Sy laat haar droewe spore
in die kamers van jou hart
en met vlymskerp, rooi vingernaels
los sy letsels van die smart

Teenstander. Díe is sy nie-
retireer vir geen swaard, nóg gebede
haar verwoesting : jou eie toedoen
slegs spoke van jou verlede...

Tog , selfs in waarheid lê daar leuens
-versprei in dit wat sy voorspel
, want die einde van jou storie
is joune om te vertel

ja...

*** droewig okal haar verhaal
bly dit jóúne om te bepaal

Ek druk my hart onder die kussing en tel tot tien...
Honderd...
Duisend...
Maar dit bly ritmies klop
Onder my koue palms

Ek berê my asem in die verlede
Waar dit vermoedelik
buite jou bereik was
...maar ek het jou vermoeëns onderskat
En nou krioel my binneste met jou teenwoordigheid

Ek gooi my blik na die vloeibare goud van die Vrystaatse vlaktes
, maar jy het my reeds in jou fissier vasgeknoop

En nou openbaar ek my psalms vir die wereld om te lees
, maar hoop jy verstaan...
Ek hoop jy verstaan

In die asemdroogtes van die nag
Word ek gebombardeer deur die warrelwinde van my ongesproke woorde
Wat ten laaste my hart van dolomiet versag

Skrapnel vlieg rond in die inner ruimtes van my gesonder verstand
In die geweldadige debat tussen die skynbare sinneloosheid van die Woord
En die gevoel van jou hand in myne

In geheim bou ek ń koningryk van lugkastele
Waarin jou beeld in elke kamer pronk.
Maar selfs díe verdwyn in die wasige misgordyn van dade
Waarvoor ek self nog swyg

Ten slotte:
Ek smag na jou...
-kammeraaddkap

Die môre groet jou met ń nat soen
En ontplooi haar goue gloed
Oor jou fynbos en Olifants-oor
Die wind ween oor die rykdom
Wat jy deur jare van sweet en bloed, vir jouself terug geëis het
, maar streel deur jou grashalms
Met die harmonie van hoop wat deur jou are pols...
Pols, wanneer 4x4 en ossewa spoor oorkruis!

Hier timmer jy aan my
- lê die hoeksteen van ń graniet gebou

Ek sal strewe om jou te eer.

Suid-Afrika , ń ode aan jou.

Daar's 'n droogte in Namakwaland
Daar's 'n droogte by die see
Droogte skeil in  Weste-winde
Wat oor ons mense vee
En as ons in ons diepstes
met ons gewete oorleg pleeg
merk ons ook die droogte
wat deur ons jeug beweeg

Geen meer: "jammer oom"; dis als net jy en jou
Weg -die dae van asseblief; dis "gee dit vir my nou"
Vergeet die ring, dis uit my ding, niks gewag totdat jy trou
dis oopmondkou , dis sharrap nou, 'n treurspel om te aanskou

en ek as buitestander, van die leuens en van die leed
ek kan rus met die wete, daar is 'n tent vir my gereed

My body subdues to the infatuation;
as a rising tide of heat enfolds over me,
and my heart beat chases the rolling stones
rolling down hill...
faster and faster...
down they go

Guided by my hormones
, like the barbarian I claim not to be
every last bit of sophistication
...of self control
burning
burning away to a mere pile
of ashes and dust
,where a once-great border
separated me  from common man

Irrational thought guide my hand
and cloud my allegedly strong
, but also human,
immunity to impulse...
impulse that is now
pulsing through my body
,burning in my veins
,disintegrating my morals

My hips move awkwardly
and frantically
as if caging in a raging animal
...
my toes curl in violent spasms
and my legs kick against the cold, tile wall
but the cold against my bare back
and the soles of my feet
only stimulate the tingling
sensation of electricity over my skin
...
Impure thoughts dance around in my head
twerking around the neurons
breaking down my sense of purity
like a wrecking ball set loose on a  church
...
This is what it feels like to live in the moment
to forget emotion and responsibility
, the sensual redemption of crude passion
to indulge the souls darkest desires!!
And even though the conscience
tugs and screams at the edges of your perception
you ignore the tiny voice
with the knowing that this is great
this is here
this is NOW
this is the guy that won't date me
or the girl that doesn't notice me
this is the relationship I desire so badly

OH GOD!!

my back arches high
forcing the breath out of me
in grunts and moans
THIS IS FEELING
and even though
"I might burn in Hell for this

well...
-at least I'll have fed the
screaming hunger inside"
, I think as I lay drenched in sweat

-BUT
I'd rather be burning
than frozen and desolate
like the sophisticated man I claim to be

Black birds fly
and black birds cry
and then those blackbirds die
oh so young
oh so free
don't you dare ask me why
so when you love a blackbird
don't forget to say goodbye
coz blackbirds ,
they don't love you...
you're living in a lie
it's time to **** your blackbird
or at least it's time to try
to take your aim, and take it high
and shoot them from the sky

The yellow sun glares down upon
my lonely figure, contradicting
the care-free blue sky it rests forlorn
my free spirit is baring ,
painfully shoved behind bars.
Placed central in the mess
tracing my old scars
words like blades and nothing less

and bee stings pierce through
tightened skin, and poisons half
a human soul, half is old and half is new
a monster within will laugh

half will love and half despise
and contradiction, be the cause to my demise

...---...
...---.... ...---...
...---... ...---... ...---...

my frantic fingers tap the telegraph
tapping tentatively , taking time
to repeat the single word

...dot, dot, dot, dash, dash , dash, dot, dot, dot...
                                ---
tapping away like a cricket with arthritis
sending my signals and sounds into the night...
...dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot , dot , dot...
                                ---
but the neighbourhood sleeps quietly
and no one cares for an arthritic cricket
singing its song into the endless radio silence...

because dots and dashes are nothing more than
humble beginnings in 96.09.21
and the life dashes by and flat-lines on
a marble stone
1996 - (pretty soon)

...---...
...---... ...---...
...---... ...---... ...---...

dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot
dot, dot, dot, Dash, Dash, Dash, DOT, DOT, DOT
dot, dot, Dot, DASH, DASH, DASH, DOT, DOT, DOT
DOT, DOT, DOT, DASH, DASH, DASH, DOT, DOT, DOT
DOT, DOT, DOT, DASH...-------------------------------------------------------

t­he drummers pack away their drums, the beat forever fades

the thunder stops to rumble, from now on only clear days

my finger stops its tapping, lies numb across the telegraph

and somewhere outside... and arthritic cricket...
turns silent from its wrath

and the dots and dashes ...
that's been beating all this time...
my hearts stops singing with them...
and ends with one flat line

WvWWvVvv-v-v-----------------------------------------------­----

The moon whispers all her secrets
in my ear, as I sleep
creating ripples in my pool of thought
as I slumber, I start to weep

she calls out through the mist and fog
that consume my tortured rest
no Father ever hears her song
but to me she will confess

her hollow voice is searing glass
and screeches like a lark
as eyes turn blind and all but see
my ears hear only dark

and when she's full her grievances
become too much to bear
for a lady of the moon is light
weight passes her to spare

I strip down shirts ,
and scraps of dignity
and bare my shoulders however small
so her troubles may fall on me

and so trouble free and weightless
she floats back up to space
turning back to trouble me
at her pre-monthly pace

I took a stroll down by the murky river
and cast a stone into the dark
never expected it to bounce back
making such an impending mark

see I bring my truths and secrets
in bags-full to the shore
and send them down like rocks and brick
to the darkness, and the secrets it has bore

Yet many moons have past
since first I've met this face
found this river's murky waters
in my soul's most darkest place

and never since have I encountered
another soul besides
my ghosts of  past mistakes
in the depths where they reside

but today a man in hipster clothes'
was resting on my dam
the water was like rubber now
to float this awkward man

the stones I dared to throw today
,he caught them with both hands
;threw them back from where they came
declaring his demands

I held them tight and felt their warmth
whilst mockingly he tried
to make me answer the only question
to thus far, I've denied

so in return I threw to him
my hearts last shattered piece
satisfied; he dropped it down
, in the dark depths... left to cease

I remember the darkness...
the complete emptiness in my black soul...
the disregard for my own life,
the dream of overcoming, and being victorious,
but dreaming that the only victory was in the defeat...
I remember this now,

I remember the tyranny of self
being bored into the threads of my existence...
where my own psych turned against me.
After years of comrade , it gave up
and turned into self-destruct mode...

but then I saw the light.
it had to be swallowed or injected...
but afterwards I remember feeling the warmth returning to my veins...

some people breathe through tubes....
some eat through straws...
I had to receive my happiness in the form of a pill.
had to feel its bitter sting being injected into my ***...

and now after several months of enjoying the light...
I made the shocking discovery, that
with the light...
comes shadows...

and they are calling me towards them.
growing darker.
growing larger.

and I... find myself slowly slipping into their gripping charm
like a refugee in regression...
returning to his country,
to empty promises...
...
to darkness ...
that ends more than just the day...
to sleep...
that stays for more than just the night

You are that book I love to read...
the one that is unreadable-
no matter how hard I try...
I cant get my head wrapped around you

you are unreadable...

and it's driving me crazy,
because I m sure I am falling for someone
who has no interest in ever catching me...

but I'm not stopping now
id rather fall and get hurt by you...
to take the chance...
than to maybe someday live with the what-if's

and we cant hold hands...
we cant embrace...
there is no physicality involved...
it's lost somewhere in the thousands of miles that separate our hearts
but that doesn't stop me from listening to the saved voice-notes
and saving your photo as my wallpaper

because every time I look into those mystifying
,yet somewhat mocking brown eyes...
my heart skips a few thousand beats
Those bushy black eyebrow's ...
that cute button nose!!
it all makes me hope that someday...
all the goodbye's we text,
will turn into the goodnight's we whisper in each others ears...

but for now I'm fine with smiling at the screen....
for now I'm  fine with crying when I play your voice-notes...
blushing when you flirt with me...
because...
for now...
I'm okay with listening to the harmony...
of two heartbeats in the distance

I'm a little bit broken...
but still I live
with all the shards of my broken heart
I have learned to love

I've never seen the light of love
never tasted lips
that thought of me as human being

And when I remember last December
when Santa' s beard fell off
and he simply became my Dad
I think of you and how your eyes turned cold

When the Easter eggs lost their spark
and the hunt turned into tradition
I think of when your love was nothing more
than a piece of freezing gold

Like all my childhood beliefs,
you proved me wrong
and I was left between the shattered pieces
of rainbow glass
because you even tore down my
Saint Petersburg chapel...
and I am broken
and I am
broken

I'm a little bit broken...
but still I live
with all the shards of my broken heart
I have learned to love

I've never seen the light of love
never tasted lips
that thought of me as human being

And when I remember last December
when Santa' s beard fell off
and he simply became my Dad
I think of you and how your eyes turned cold

When the Easter eggs lost their spark
and the hunt turned into tradition
I think of when your love was nothing more
than a piece of freezing gold

Like all my childhood beliefs,
you proved me wrong
and I was left between the shattered pieces
of rainbow glass
because you even tore down my
Saint Petersburg chapel...
and I am broken
and I am
broken

It was with ice cold winds
that blew across their cheeks
that their bodies found the warmth in each other
to ignore the painful prickles
of goose bumps they felt
not knowing if it was because of the crispy air
or the touch of warmth
their hands imprinted on each other...

it was a night filled with hope, and stars and laughter
dark , yet filled with light...
on the trampoline in my backyard...
that was where it happened...

I was trying my way with the boy
that sat across from me...
they made it easy because they left us...
there on that trampoline they were lost somewhere deep in each others eyes
as I struggled to  maintain sane , alone, with that boy

I was growing jealous of their blossoming love
how fast did it grow to reach the height,
the height my heart has been struggling to achieve in years...
but I was happy... for them
they were happy...
they were...

then as if the cosmos played a little prank
on my little friends heart...
like the tower of babel...
their love reached the height where it crumbled,
and fell apart...
and those who built it was left
strangers,
nothing but mere foreigners...
one was headed to sunny Florida,
he was okay...
the other one... my friend,
was headed to Linfen
without a way of communicating his pain
his loss
his ... love

today we sit and converse about the hope that may still remain
the revenge we may still take on the ruthless foreigner from Florida
and the other boy on the trampoline...
hoping that maybe...
if they ever decide to build a love of their own...
it will be corrupted by the pain they have caused,
from their pasts.

and we hope

Vanaand vou ek my snoesig toe
                                                                          in die soet-droom blou lug
iewers tussen die maan en die sterre...

                                                                        en as die liggies  my pla
                                   trek ek weer, soos kleintyd, die duvet oor my kop
                                                                                                    en verbeel myself dat
                                                                                                 jy
                                                             en jou honger hande
                             nie in die werled bestaan nie!!

                                                                                                                    Ek kruip dan in die sagte plekkies
                                                                                                                van ontstuimige oseane...
                                                                                                                             so tussen deur die nate van
                                                                                                   die brekende golwe...
                                                                                           en le terug as die trek
                                                                                                            van moegheid my kom haal...
                                                                                                                        en terwyl die vloeiende satyn
                                                                                                                                     my wange streel...

                                     maak ek my oe toe
                          en glimlag

You know its just...
                                   ah-ah
a litte crush...
                        ah-ah
it's nothing much!!

don't think too much about it!!

It's just my heart...
                                 oh-oh
that's on the line...
                                 oh-no
we're out of time!!

I thought too much about it!!

And all the tears...
                                 whoa-oh
Inspired fears...
                            whoa-oh
in a few years,

You won't even know me!!

And I...
              ah-huh
will somehow try...
                                   ah-huh
before I die,

to learn to laugh without you...

here!!

As I sit in front of the feared book
mocking me with it's elaborative examples
of reminders
reminding me of all that I can't do...

the x's and the y's programs my brain
forcing an instant recall of memories
about all my ex's and my why's

and as I fail exercise after exercise
I start doubting my rationality...
What is the probability that
I , am nothing more than a common denominator??

the truth is, that while trying to figure out the identities
of sin, cos and tan...
I realise that my own is not yet figured out...
I am still lost somewhere in the Cartesian plane...

I have no hope for passing my exam tomorrow...
my sleepless nights are haunted by the statistics
, and the improbabilities that make up life
as we know it...

but that's okay
because I am not analytical...
I am not mathematical...
I am just lost between the letters and the numbers
of a world I will never understand...

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp,
Acid stains you
Drugs make you cramp
Guns aren't lawful
and nooses give
gas smells awful
...you might as well live

I don't quite remember where
I heard this little rhyme before
but it has kept me from doing a lot of things

all the videos on YouTube with there promises
"IT GETS BETTER"
the words circulate the world
through the copper chords
that connects us all

the shrinks and the doctors
and the counsellors and priests
with all there powerful words
...words that empower you for a while but
sadly fades to the back of your mind as
tears fill your eyes

and someday, with the instrument of death
at your fingertips..
you realise that all these words and revalations are all just empty lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies

one for each day of the week
one for the strong
and one for the weak
one for the man with riches and fame
one for the woman in filth doth have lain
one for a smile that should not exist
and lastly one...
for those who insist
that nothing matters
and nothing will change
tomorrow brings tears
yesterday created fears
this problem has no solution
my soul is lost amidst confusion
I don't believe the lies no more
but I won't answer the truth, knocking at my door
I choose to end not my life
but the potential I have
the beauty
the radiance
the hope I might bring to the hopeless
the health to the sickness
the laughter to the tearful
the protection to the fearful

I choose not to end my life
because I believe that my path is set
not for the benefit of myself...

we have no happiness on our path
we must create it...
find it in giving that which we do NOT have
to the ones we do not love

this is our curse...
and don't say it's not fair
because life is not fair !!
because Angels and Saints
...which we seem to be the chosen of...
rarely gain fame while living
or being happy,
or loved

no... we are the angels
we will only be recognised as soon as we lay our heads down
and all the bricks we have laid in this world
start to radiate with our legacy!!

Be strong, for sprouting feathers is a painful process
Be heard, for the voice of justice has been silenced to long
and be proud...

...simply...

because you are

I am paralysed by the fear...
it grips my heart and holds
,in a firm grasp,
either by that or the pain
that travels between my body
and my heart

I sit in the darkness of the new moon
gaze set on the evening star
blazing brightly on my cold
clammy skin

my eyelids are heavy
every second is a fluttering battle
to keep them locked on
to the destination

my muscles are tense
pulling tighter in the complete lack of control
they give in
I fall

my hand shoots to my side
and is not met with the usual
damp feel of
crimson moist
but they cup the places
where my body swells
caressing the skin
as if trying to gently locate this
searing dagger lodged in my insides

I saw a vision
depicting my thread
and where the fates
abruptly cut it
short
falling short from the goals I've set out to complete

I fear for leaving
this empty world
with
empty hands
and an
empty heart

I fear the black beyond,
unknown to this heart...
and all that lies within it's never
ending reach!!
I fear the ghost behind the veil
which is soon set out to be
me...

lay my stone in emerald
and write my name in diamond
but never let it fall upon me
never let it break my wings...

instead

let me swim the ocean blue
or soar through the sky
so that through the black beyond I know
my legacy, this empty shell I leave
will forever be free

The weight
of a simple human emotion
weighs me down,
more than a tank ever did
...
the pain
its determined and demanding
to ache
, but im OK
...

In the darkness and confusion that surround me
I play the song over and over again
because I too
have know found the fault in our stars...
the same stars you watched with me
when you laid next to me
on the cold and merciless brick driveway

The chorus starts playing
and with every note, nostalgia
suffocates my soul in memories
and my heart beats the lyrics in Morse-code

...
And I don't want to let this go
I don't want to lose control
I just want to see the stars
, with you
...

over and over I listen to the words
that seem to be pouring out of my heart
with more belief and ambition
then through the little speaker in my phone

...
And I don't want to say good-bey
someone, tell me why
I just want to see the stars
, with you*
...

the moon is gone
the stars twinkle brightly
they give me hope that one day you'll return
, to see them with me
to make them shine brighter...

but until then, i'll just listen
to the song...

until then,
I ache

until then,
i AM NOT OKAY

until then i'll lay in the driveway and wait...
wait for you to come lay next to me

as you once did...
as it should be

Some people never change...

Some people think they can beat love into you with a belt or a fist
Some think they can force it into you while drugging you or holding you down
Some think they can make you feel the love, by caging you in with rules
Some simply think love is an excuse to force another being into you

I see the world from behind bars
see the shadows dance across the fields
feel the tug and pull of strings
as they try to control my being

and all the time I hear these words... I love you
what do they mean
is this the warped image of love
that we never see on TV...
and if this is love,... if this is divine, and sent by God
then why does it cause so much pain and hurt... what is holy about any of it

I am done with hoping
I am done with trying
from now on I will just be

mother hear my words
my heart is beating in my chest
through only the power of love
you are denying me my love
and my friends
and my being
be carefull which powers of nature you try to control mother
because mother nature is a nasty one
she is just like me
she hates being controlled...

The science around dreaming, states that each night
we dream a dozen dreams...
but we only remember the one we wake up from

So for exactly 34 days I've tried to dream...
tried to dream about you, about us...
I remember each night when you said good-bye
how playfully you will add your command
that I should dream about you

and now...
after exactly 34 days of trying
and 1 day of crying...
I finally did

I dreamed about you
I dreamed we kissed
I dreamed I was in your arms once again
that you lay next to me, in my arms
and in my dream...
my world was at peace
even when disaster struck... I knew I was okay
...
because I still had you

and when I woke up this morning
I rushed to my phone to text you...
to share my excitement with you...
to say...
"I FINALLY dreamed about you,
and it was AMAZING"

but then I saw your last text...
the one that shattered my world
dancing over my incomplete textbox
... mocking me with its words , like daggers

"I'm sorry, but I'm over it. It's not going to turn me off anymore ...
I just think that, maybe... maybe we should take a break"

A lonely tear ran down my cheek,
was never met by 'n mate
although he hoped, he dried before,
was killed by the wait

The news of my dream was like a pack of angry wolves
or a front page story that got moved to be lost in the folds of the paper
aching to burst out and be heard... and be appreciated...
but to whom can I tell these dreams??

You don't want to hear from me
My parents don't want to hear about you
My friends don't want to hear anything other then their love
...
to who will I spill my soul...

so I will write you a message on a pretty piece of paper...
and burn it when next I smoke

when darkness comes and the city takes to life
I will climb on the roof and holler it to the masses...

... hoping that maybe...
just maybe...
one will holler back.

and maybe...
just maybe...
that one will be you

There once was a hunter... who wanted to hunt a deer... but deep inside the forest lived a bear... one that attacked his prey, took it from right in front of him, and ate the succulent flesh...

One day the hunter had, had enough of it... so he stalked for hours, to find the biggest deer he could find... he laid aim... and watched...

surely enough, after mere seconds, the bear appeared out of nowhere and hit his paws into the deer... the hunter let rip a jubilant cry, and laughed as the shot rang through the trees...

it was a hit... the bear slumped down and breathed heavily... the hunter was knocked of his feet by excitement, and could feel his heart jump in joy. He head to feel it. So he put his hand to his chest...

as he laid there, staring at the beast in front of him, he looked into it's eyes, and saw something he recognized... his smile disappeared, and a single tear rolled down his cheek...

he removed his hand from his heart, to wipe away the tear... but as the front of his hand wiped the tear from his face... the back left a trail of scarlet blood

... his blood.

Mamma don't you love me
the thought goes through my mind
over and over without a clear path or destination
like a tumbleweed in a desolate ghost town
it rolls around unseen
unlike on the movie screen

her tongue was a battalion
it fired through my soul
with metal shards of hateful love

her words were like a leather belt
that licked me time and time again
hit straight through tissue blood and veins
and hit my heart , my lonesome bitter heart

my house is painted in tiny black lines
the shadows from the bars
that surround the now empty and cold chambers of my heart

last night you ruined a lot more than just a tiny little crush
your ruined an opportunity for love
one for smile
one for tears
one for memories
one for some more fears
you ruined the chance for me to love again
one for me to be loved back
you ruined a chance for me to fall
to hurt myself and cry over the pain
you see...
you didn't ruin my night
or my crush
or my dignity
you ruined my chance at another chapter in life

I can't write a story
if you edit out the chapters mother...
the story would end and seem unfit
to ever be published
I can't write a story, If you take out all the chapters
I'd rather just stop writing
and leave it all unfinished

because you loved me to death
and the contradiction killed me

100 jaar herrinering
100 mense ween
100 trane val daar
100 druppels reen
van die hemel heen

Dankie vir die reen o God
die plase was so droog
die kommer word nou weggespoel
uit talle boer se oog



oor droewe grond
wat kraak en bars
streel helend hand
loop water vars

oor die mielies, koring
en oor goue hawermout
dans in die wind die jongeling
en skyn opnuut wee goud

die Here het geantwoord
oor wenige gebed
bewys van vooraf weereens
al genade wat hy het

maar wolke breuk, strome spoel
die grond word weer genees
maar spokend, kaal en lenig
sal die kerk weer Sondag wees

onthou jy jou gelofte
my Afrikaner kind
wat nou soos na dood siektes
voor die oe ontbind

**** my woord op nuut
oor die heuwels sal dit reis
tot my volk gaan terugkeer
sal opbrengs , soos geloof,
deur droogtes vergreis

I heard your protest
those two letters singing in my ears
your proclamations cut through my clothes
and left me
****

**** on the cold hard ground

but my heart didn't grasp the meaning
my brain could not compute
I had to get back up
and embrace your person

and although you pulled away
although you thought of him
you always thought of me
when you kissed me back
and ran into my open arms

with persistence I believe
your eyes will open up
you'll see the bright new future
the one you have in me

maybe you'll regret
someday in the forthcoming winters
thoughts blooming with the spring flowers

but never that you left him
only that you did not do it sooner

and I will kiss you on the forehead
and whisper
in your ear
that is doesn't matter
as long as ,now, your here

This is not a rhyme
this is not a poem
there is no hidden messages between ambiguous word
or conveyed through complex metaphors
this is the tears of my heart
bleeding
fuelling me
so that I can find the courage to speak
to speak the words of my soul
the words I've been dying to say
... no
to scream!!!
The words I've been dying to shout out
as a proclamation to the whole world...

I DON'T LOVE YOU
I DON'T because I don't know what love is
but I do know you make me wonder
you make me philosophize about it
about what it feels like
I DON'T know what love is...
but you make me feel
something that must be close to it
...
if not better

I think about you ALL the time...
there is not a moment that passes where I don't think of you...
not a single message from you at which I don't smile
not a single night where I hate the dawn of sleep, because it means goodbye
ALL OF MY FRICKEN POEMS ARE ABOUT YOU

last night when you were here...
in the three seconds that we kissed
in those mere blinks of an eye
when our lips softly brushed
... I was paralysed
... It was the first time in my life where my mind was COMPLETELY quiet
the first time I didn't instruct myself through a kiss
and just let go...

now your scent is stuck to me...
I smell it all the time
the smell is intoxicating
and I think of you with every breath I take
unwillingly falling further and further into your arms...

and so I call you...
just to hear your voice...
just to hear you laugh at what I say...
because hearing your voice makes my day...
the sound of your laughter...
it's a toe curling
goosebump-giving
heart-wrenching
pulse-rising
start-smiling
start-crying
but never nail baiting...
because I know you hate that
... sort of sound.

and I envy the guy who is lucky enough to have you
I envy him with all my heart.
I have a bitterness towards him compared by only few...
and a sadness towards you compared to no other greatness...

why can't you see
that his love for you is not...
nor will it ever be...
the same as my NOT-LOVE for you

can't you see he doesn't give you the romance and the happiness you deserve
the laughter and the acceptance and the complete free will...

can't you see that I adore you
... so much so that I have turned into this monster who envies...
one who feels bitter towards someone he has never met!!!

I am lost without you...
I want you...
I need you...
I want to need you...
I Better-than-love you
I xoxo you and mwa you
forever and continuous
(not-)love (- but better)
me...

I call out to lonesome mountains
and hear them crying back
there voices filled with bitterness
choking through the tears

My voice is getting hoarse
taste of copper in my mouth
yet I'll continue calling
knowing tis your humble abode

I call to trees and cobble-streams
to drew drops on the dancing blades
of grass and leaves and such
and finally to you

And when they all call back to me
and echo replies in song
somewhere among my tear-filled words
I hear your yearning heart
calling out for loving hands
to cradle and to comfort
to fulfil in its demands

and when souls meet in calling
between the mountains and the streams
slowly angels falling
as rays of ecstasy gleams

your voice meets with my echo
and makes me think of you
and elevates my heartbeat
when I know
your calling for me too

In nights most darkest hours
when all the worlds asleep
I leave my shadowed stage
and gently start to weep

I cleanse my soul with saline drops
to befoul it yet again
in front of atlas and his wait
the world and all its men

my mask grows painful
a burden in my chest
fake a life I never knew
removed, and I forget the rest

And sheltered in the alleyways
in the scourge of all man kind
there I felt your touch
as your hand slipped into mine

the prince of the sun
then span his golden wings
and took me from my misery
and all those other things

and now in midnight hours
I lay bundled in your arms
after you threw away my mask
and kissed away my qualms

and now I shine the brightest stars
and I play the play for you
you became my audience
the only bliss I knew

I take the time
to take a breath
and pull my self together
in the pauses in our conversations

Every pause hurts more
every pause a reminder of the third wheel
the longer the silence of the passing time
the more the sting in my heart

I desire your undivided attention
but I'm partly a third
a second division
not deserving of your full magnificence

I struggle with these pauses
I struggle with your heart
I want to be your one and only
but we are just a pause apart

The rays of the full moon bleeds into my heart
and I smell you on the fabric of my clothes
and I shiver at the mere thought,
that you scare me to death

I let it go
I felt the pull of the ocean on your lips
I let it go
As thoughts dissolved in my mind

for the first time in years I felt alive
I remembered the confusions of love
the depression of fear and rejection
and the sting of tears in my eyes

three seconds of heaven
three seconds of quiet bliss
then you pulled away
and left me asking....

why

Tonight
whilst the moon shine full and bright
inspiration hits
flows down on silver light

It dances in my thoughts
provokes my thinking
my reasoning becomes irrational
and it's all because of you

for weeks on end
the words were few
the illness of my mind
was still fresh like morning dew

but then
out of nowhere...
on the sound of your voice
my muse came waltzing
and it's all because of you

heart beats faster,
sorrows grow fainter
and I give in to the unconditional inspiration
called love

and I thank you now with words
with which abundance flows
with the emotions you bring forth
with time, it grows

thank thee my love
thanks for the cure to my disease
thank thee my love
as I write these words to please

Every Friday night I cry myself a river
As I lay and reassess my life
the weeks I work on end
the fears I have to face
The weight on my shoulders , bearing me down
and no way
no way
to relieve my pain

Mamma doesn't get it
she thinks you can shout at your heart
"Stop loving, Stop loving !!! JUST STOP!!"
but you can't ...
I can't do this anymore

Every day I walk past the pills and blades and potential nooses
every day I banish my dark thoughts, with promises of a better future
but there is just no such thing
I am not a kid anymore
I doubt I ever was
I'm just one of her dolls

wait till my heart stops beating
wait till the life is out of my eyes...
dear mom
maybe then you'll love me
maybe then
when my Friday night tears are frozen
on my porcelain cheeks
forever

A senseless work of art
that is what I am
a being without heart
to you I'm not a man

I miss the smell of ecstasy
desire burns my soul
my tears will acid be
ending me in whole

I miss the taste of passion
saline on my tongue
now its only ashen
like a near-dead smoker's lung

I miss the sight of jubilance
a thing for sorrowed eyes
your beauty was the evidence
reason for my demise

I miss the sound of springtime
dancing on your voice
now I see a pantomime
in which joy is not a choice

I miss the softest caress
as our lips would lightly brush
now my minds a mess
my body on a rush

I miss your vibrant groaning
as I penetrate your mind
and the sound of your moaning
when we explore the find

I miss your pulsing heart rate
felt through your tightening skin
and how I debate
our affection is a sin

but then you said you loved me
and that you were here to stay
but ripped my heart in pieces
as I watched you walk away

so now I live a empty life
always missing you
wondering if, through your strife
You might be missing me too

A senseless work of art
that is what I am
a being without heart
to you I'm not a man

Mirror, mirror on the wall
how many times do I still have to fall
how much pain must I take
how much smiles should I fake
with my heart at stake...

My story is a tragedy
written between the lines and the creases
words lost, somewhere in the confides of time and space itself

the paper is my skin,
bare and ****, warm to the touch
radiating heat and pulsating the residue of passion

the ink is of my own ,
brought forth by my raw emotion
tasting of salt and copper...

and somewhere in the background
, somewhere between the faint distinction of blood from tears
there my soul still lies in wait

My ending is not happy
nor marriage
nor fame

My cure is not love
nor is it the touch of lips
I have no happy ending..
instead, I end in an ellipse....

'n lewe in konstruksie...
dis tog die mees logiese manier om dit te beskryf...
ons bou en bou en bou,
en toets dan die produk.

Maar aan die einde, as ons klaar gebou het...
wat is dan daarvan te kom.
                        'n Lee huis...
                                       'n stil pad...

en wat het ons van onself geleer?

En wat leer ons van die wereld en mense om ons
             , vasgevang in die stryd teen tyd...

niks nie.

Ons het net voor onself uitgekyk
                   na die vaal stene
                                   en die slukkerige sement.

Watter vreugde het dit vir ons gebring.

Niks nie.

Nee,
         ek weier.

Ons is tog hier geplaas met vrye wil.

En iewers langs die pad,
                                          raak almal die pad duister...
en word dan deur die samelewing verdoem.

Die mensdom besluit dan wat van hulle sal word...
In daardie oomblikke is God meer vergete
deur die skares wat saamdrom op die rand van die pad...
                                                                ­                                      die wat lag en vinger wys...
                                                                ­                                                      die wat klippe gooi,
                                                         as deur die wat die prentjie aanskou.

Soms kort ons 'n perspektief van uit die donker,
                          om die lig rerig te verstaan...

Soms moet ons eers die genadelose aanraking van die koue voel,
                           voordat ons die sagte streel van die son oor ons gesigte kan waardeur.

Daar le wysheid in die donker,
                                      want dit is in die donker waar jy aleen is,

                         met niemand om in jou oor te fluister wat reg of verkeerd is nie.

                                                                ­                                                      Net die wind om jou siel te sus,
                                                                ­                                               die stilte om jou uit te rus...

                                                 en niemand wat jou god kan wees
                                       of sy woorde
                                                          ­      en planne
                                                                ­                   vir jou kan uitmessel nie.

Die pad het die gevaar geraak.

Dis koud en korrupt.
                                     En ons is dankbaar,
         dat ons die kans gekry het om dit te sien,
terwyl ons stadig verswelg word deur die skadu's
                                                                ­                                             en wegsmelt in die donker...

want nou weet ons dat ons pyn maar net 'n gedeelte van die werklike hartseer was...

                                                               ­ ons is die gelukkiges...

en hulle loop op die pad na verdoemtenis

I was the beast
Through my veins was nothing but darkness
In my heart... nothing but hate

I ran when the moon was full
Never knew my destination, but always running
running from what dark grievances following my every move

I stalked when the moon was dead
In the absence of it's light, when no one could see
I stalked a lonely dream

Her apples were poisoned...
Tainted by the light of the sun
Corrupted by the innocence of youth

How could I not
The flesh was pale
begging bitterly to be pierced by my fangs
resistance was futile
a radiant glow surrounds
the reason for my coming demise

Cunningly, unknowingly
canines pierce the skin
I bite into the apple

Torture rang forth from the clock on the wall
Jealousy sprouted from the roots of it all
I was succumbed by emotion

Deafening

amongst the madness
the doe the dew and death
grew the sound of a beating heart

En soms in die vroee oggend ure **** ek steeds jou stem...
wanneer ek sukkel om te slaap,
                                                                ­                                 maar my lyf deuretrek is van moegheid
                                         , voel ek nog jou sagte aanraking.

Dan ***** jy by my soos die neurie van 'n lang vergete wiegelied in die agterkop,
                                                       ­              of
die weergalming van ons gegillende stemme deur die lang gange van die lewe...

dis dan wanneer die hartseer my tref.
Dit vul die    l e e m t e s     wat gelaat is deur die    s p a s i e s     waar jou vingers altyd so
                perfek
                             In myne gepas het,

in die dooie gevoel,
oor al die plekke waar net jou aanraking
                           soms
genoeg was om elektrisiteit op te wek
                                    wat my nog vir weke speelvol geprikkel het.

Dan vorm dit saam in die [kamers] van my hart,
     waar jou n.a.a.m,
                                    jou < liefde 3
                                                         en jou ~legende*
vir altyd sal bly

... en stroom deur die vensters van my siel...
sodat ek weer 'n gesonde uitkyk op die lewe kan he.

Soos 'n magtige rivier
     loop dit by al die voue af,

       maar altyd met grasie...
en ek huil

And in the midst of absence of the light of day...
My woeful heart, it's music start play...
a song of patience not yet learned,
a song of love, for which is yearned

A hand around the veins surrounds,
***** into fists, and feel it pounds
A breath is stolen from thy lips
and blows thy mind through many a treetop tips

what eyes have seen they shalt now desire
with a passion that burns with impulse, Aphrodite's fire
but what heart hath yearned, but never learned
it seeks to master, broken and burned

And in between all , jealousy lies
Between the love and angry lies
A human soul with desire lies
His woeful heart, withers and dies