The yellow sun glares down upon
my lonely figure, contradicting
the care-free blue sky it rests forlorn
my free spirit is baring ,
painfully shoved behind bars.
Placed central in the mess
tracing my old scars
words like blades and nothing less

and bee stings pierce through
tightened skin, and poisons half
a human soul, half is old and half is new
a monster within will laugh

half will love and half despise
and contradiction, be the cause to my demise

...---...
...---.... ...---...
...---... ...---... ...---...

my frantic fingers tap the telegraph
tapping tentatively , taking time
to repeat the single word

...dot, dot, dot, dash, dash , dash, dot, dot, dot...
                                ---
tapping away like a cricket with arthritis
sending my signals and sounds into the night...
...dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot , dot , dot...
                                ---
but the neighbourhood sleeps quietly
and no one cares for an arthritic cricket
singing its song into the endless radio silence...

because dots and dashes are nothing more than
humble beginnings in 96.09.21
and the life dashes by and flat-lines on
a marble stone
1996 - (pretty soon)

...---...
...---... ...---...
...---... ...---... ...---...

dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot
dot, dot, dot, Dash, Dash, Dash, DOT, DOT, DOT
dot, dot, Dot, DASH, DASH, DASH, DOT, DOT, DOT
DOT, DOT, DOT, DASH, DASH, DASH, DOT, DOT, DOT
DOT, DOT, DOT, DASH...-------------------------------------------------------

t­he drummers pack away their drums, the beat forever fades

the thunder stops to rumble, from now on only clear days

my finger stops its tapping, lies numb across the telegraph

and somewhere outside... and arthritic cricket...
turns silent from its wrath

and the dots and dashes ...
that's been beating all this time...
my hearts stops singing with them...
and ends with one flat line

WvWWvVvv-v-v-----------------------------------------------­----

The moon whispers all her secrets
in my ear, as I sleep
creating ripples in my pool of thought
as I slumber, I start to weep

she calls out through the mist and fog
that consume my tortured rest
no Father ever hears her song
but to me she will confess

her hollow voice is searing glass
and screeches like a lark
as eyes turn blind and all but see
my ears hear only dark

and when she's full her grievances
become too much to bear
for a lady of the moon is light
weight passes her to spare

I strip down shirts ,
and scraps of dignity
and bare my shoulders however small
so her troubles may fall on me

and so trouble free and weightless
she floats back up to space
turning back to trouble me
at her pre-monthly pace

I took a stroll down by the murky river
and cast a stone into the dark
never expected it to bounce back
making such an impending mark

see I bring my truths and secrets
in bags-full to the shore
and send them down like rocks and brick
to the darkness, and the secrets it has bore

Yet many moons have past
since first I've met this face
found this river's murky waters
in my soul's most darkest place

and never since have I encountered
another soul besides
my ghosts of  past mistakes
in the depths where they reside

but today a man in hipster clothes'
was resting on my dam
the water was like rubber now
to float this awkward man

the stones I dared to throw today
,he caught them with both hands
;threw them back from where they came
declaring his demands

I held them tight and felt their warmth
whilst mockingly he tried
to make me answer the only question
to thus far, I've denied

so in return I threw to him
my hearts last shattered piece
satisfied; he dropped it down
, in the dark depths... left to cease

I remember the darkness...
the complete emptiness in my black soul...
the disregard for my own life,
the dream of overcoming, and being victorious,
but dreaming that the only victory was in the defeat...
I remember this now,

I remember the tyranny of self
being bored into the threads of my existence...
where my own psych turned against me.
After years of comrade , it gave up
and turned into self-destruct mode...

but then I saw the light.
it had to be swallowed or injected...
but afterwards I remember feeling the warmth returning to my veins...

some people breathe through tubes....
some eat through straws...
I had to receive my happiness in the form of a pill.
had to feel its bitter sting being injected into my ***...

and now after several months of enjoying the light...
I made the shocking discovery, that
with the light...
comes shadows...

and they are calling me towards them.
growing darker.
growing larger.

and I... find myself slowly slipping into their gripping charm
like a refugee in regression...
returning to his country,
to empty promises...
...
to darkness ...
that ends more than just the day...
to sleep...
that stays for more than just the night

You are that book I love to read...
the one that is unreadable-
no matter how hard I try...
I cant get my head wrapped around you

you are unreadable...

and it's driving me crazy,
because I m sure I am falling for someone
who has no interest in ever catching me...

but I'm not stopping now
id rather fall and get hurt by you...
to take the chance...
than to maybe someday live with the what-if's

and we cant hold hands...
we cant embrace...
there is no physicality involved...
it's lost somewhere in the thousands of miles that separate our hearts
but that doesn't stop me from listening to the saved voice-notes
and saving your photo as my wallpaper

because every time I look into those mystifying
,yet somewhat mocking brown eyes...
my heart skips a few thousand beats
Those bushy black eyebrow's ...
that cute button nose!!
it all makes me hope that someday...
all the goodbye's we text,
will turn into the goodnight's we whisper in each others ears...

but for now I'm fine with smiling at the screen....
for now I'm  fine with crying when I play your voice-notes...
blushing when you flirt with me...
because...
for now...
I'm okay with listening to the harmony...
of two heartbeats in the distance

I'm a little bit broken...
but still I live
with all the shards of my broken heart
I have learned to love

I've never seen the light of love
never tasted lips
that thought of me as human being

And when I remember last December
when Santa' s beard fell off
and he simply became my Dad
I think of you and how your eyes turned cold

When the Easter eggs lost their spark
and the hunt turned into tradition
I think of when your love was nothing more
than a piece of freezing gold

Like all my childhood beliefs,
you proved me wrong
and I was left between the shattered pieces
of rainbow glass
because you even tore down my
Saint Petersburg chapel...
and I am broken
and I am
broken