I'm a little bit broken...
but still I live
with all the shards of my broken heart
I have learned to love

I've never seen the light of love
never tasted lips
that thought of me as human being

And when I remember last December
when Santa' s beard fell off
and he simply became my Dad
I think of you and how your eyes turned cold

When the Easter eggs lost their spark
and the hunt turned into tradition
I think of when your love was nothing more
than a piece of freezing gold

Like all my childhood beliefs,
you proved me wrong
and I was left between the shattered pieces
of rainbow glass
because you even tore down my
Saint Petersburg chapel...
and I am broken
and I am
broken

It was with ice cold winds
that blew across their cheeks
that their bodies found the warmth in each other
to ignore the painful prickles
of goose bumps they felt
not knowing if it was because of the crispy air
or the touch of warmth
their hands imprinted on each other...

it was a night filled with hope, and stars and laughter
dark , yet filled with light...
on the trampoline in my backyard...
that was where it happened...

I was trying my way with the boy
that sat across from me...
they made it easy because they left us...
there on that trampoline they were lost somewhere deep in each others eyes
as I struggled to  maintain sane , alone, with that boy

I was growing jealous of their blossoming love
how fast did it grow to reach the height,
the height my heart has been struggling to achieve in years...
but I was happy... for them
they were happy...
they were...

then as if the cosmos played a little prank
on my little friends heart...
like the tower of babel...
their love reached the height where it crumbled,
and fell apart...
and those who built it was left
strangers,
nothing but mere foreigners...
one was headed to sunny Florida,
he was okay...
the other one... my friend,
was headed to Linfen
without a way of communicating his pain
his loss
his ... love

today we sit and converse about the hope that may still remain
the revenge we may still take on the ruthless foreigner from Florida
and the other boy on the trampoline...
hoping that maybe...
if they ever decide to build a love of their own...
it will be corrupted by the pain they have caused,
from their pasts.

and we hope

Vanaand vou ek my snoesig toe
                                                                          in die soet-droom blou lug
iewers tussen die maan en die sterre...

                                                                        en as die liggies  my pla
                                   trek ek weer, soos kleintyd, die duvet oor my kop
                                                                                                    en verbeel myself dat
                                                                                                 jy
                                                             en jou honger hande
                             nie in die werled bestaan nie!!

                                                                                                                    Ek kruip dan in die sagte plekkies
                                                                                                                van ontstuimige oseane...
                                                                                                                             so tussen deur die nate van
                                                                                                   die brekende golwe...
                                                                                           en le terug as die trek
                                                                                                            van moegheid my kom haal...
                                                                                                                        en terwyl die vloeiende satyn
                                                                                                                                     my wange streel...

                                     maak ek my oe toe
                          en glimlag

You know its just...
                                   ah-ah
a litte crush...
                        ah-ah
it's nothing much!!

don't think too much about it!!

It's just my heart...
                                 oh-oh
that's on the line...
                                 oh-no
we're out of time!!

I thought too much about it!!

And all the tears...
                                 whoa-oh
Inspired fears...
                            whoa-oh
in a few years,

You won't even know me!!

And I...
              ah-huh
will somehow try...
                                   ah-huh
before I die,

to learn to laugh without you...

here!!

As I sit in front of the feared book
mocking me with it's elaborative examples
of reminders
reminding me of all that I can't do...

the x's and the y's programs my brain
forcing an instant recall of memories
about all my ex's and my why's

and as I fail exercise after exercise
I start doubting my rationality...
What is the probability that
I , am nothing more than a common denominator??

the truth is, that while trying to figure out the identities
of sin, cos and tan...
I realise that my own is not yet figured out...
I am still lost somewhere in the Cartesian plane...

I have no hope for passing my exam tomorrow...
my sleepless nights are haunted by the statistics
, and the improbabilities that make up life
as we know it...

but that's okay
because I am not analytical...
I am not mathematical...
I am just lost between the letters and the numbers
of a world I will never understand...

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp,
Acid stains you
Drugs make you cramp
Guns aren't lawful
and nooses give
gas smells awful
...you might as well live

I don't quite remember where
I heard this little rhyme before
but it has kept me from doing a lot of things

all the videos on YouTube with there promises
"IT GETS BETTER"
the words circulate the world
through the copper chords
that connects us all

the shrinks and the doctors
and the counsellors and priests
with all there powerful words
...words that empower you for a while but
sadly fades to the back of your mind as
tears fill your eyes

and someday, with the instrument of death
at your fingertips..
you realise that all these words and revalations are all just empty lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies
empty little lies

one for each day of the week
one for the strong
and one for the weak
one for the man with riches and fame
one for the woman in filth doth have lain
one for a smile that should not exist
and lastly one...
for those who insist
that nothing matters
and nothing will change
tomorrow brings tears
yesterday created fears
this problem has no solution
my soul is lost amidst confusion
I don't believe the lies no more
but I won't answer the truth, knocking at my door
I choose to end not my life
but the potential I have
the beauty
the radiance
the hope I might bring to the hopeless
the health to the sickness
the laughter to the tearful
the protection to the fearful

I choose not to end my life
because I believe that my path is set
not for the benefit of myself...

we have no happiness on our path
we must create it...
find it in giving that which we do NOT have
to the ones we do not love

this is our curse...
and don't say it's not fair
because life is not fair !!
because Angels and Saints
...which we seem to be the chosen of...
rarely gain fame while living
or being happy,
or loved

no... we are the angels
we will only be recognised as soon as we lay our heads down
and all the bricks we have laid in this world
start to radiate with our legacy!!

Be strong, for sprouting feathers is a painful process
Be heard, for the voice of justice has been silenced to long
and be proud...

...simply...

because you are

I am paralysed by the fear...
it grips my heart and holds
,in a firm grasp,
either by that or the pain
that travels between my body
and my heart

I sit in the darkness of the new moon
gaze set on the evening star
blazing brightly on my cold
clammy skin

my eyelids are heavy
every second is a fluttering battle
to keep them locked on
to the destination

my muscles are tense
pulling tighter in the complete lack of control
they give in
I fall

my hand shoots to my side
and is not met with the usual
damp feel of
crimson moist
but they cup the places
where my body swells
caressing the skin
as if trying to gently locate this
searing dagger lodged in my insides

I saw a vision
depicting my thread
and where the fates
abruptly cut it
short
falling short from the goals I've set out to complete

I fear for leaving
this empty world
with
empty hands
and an
empty heart

I fear the black beyond,
unknown to this heart...
and all that lies within it's never
ending reach!!
I fear the ghost behind the veil
which is soon set out to be
me...

lay my stone in emerald
and write my name in diamond
but never let it fall upon me
never let it break my wings...

instead

let me swim the ocean blue
or soar through the sky
so that through the black beyond I know
my legacy, this empty shell I leave
will forever be free