I saw the sunrise spreading across the sky in an orange hue
It was a breathtaking view
I will be searching the sky for future sunrises
I wonder what other colors I will find

I did not choose to love you.

I am never sure of anything.
I have questioned and agonized, second guessed
Every aspect of my life
For thirty seven years.
And now I am sure of something
It is an impossible thing
And it shreds me, from within.

We do not choose who we love.

Everything I ever believed
Was a misunderstanding of the true nature
Of all that we aspire to.
Thirty seven years
And I knew nothing.
I am on autopilot, every atom reaching out
Every thirsty cell screaming for a drink of you.

I think you love me, too.

Let me take a moment
To study you
I want to discover every intricate detail
I want to memorize
The way your eyes light up the room
The way I can see your wisdom
Your kindness
Your your love
Pool in the vast oceans
Of the most beautiful blue I have ever seen.
I want to savor
The way your lips move
When you speak
Sing
Smile
Laugh              
As the sound moving through those lips
Washes over me
Filling me with warmth
Infinitely sweeter than anything I have ever encountered.
I want to lose myself
In the beauty of your hairFlowing down
As Elegant and breathtaking
As a waterfall
It's scent filling my nostrils
Overwhelming me with the feeling of home
I want to permanently embed into my memory
The curvature of your neck
So soft and warm
Inviting
Soothing
Comforting
Captivating me with the feel
The smell
The taste
Of your skin.
I want to synchronize myself with your heartbeat                  
Steady, rhythmic                  
Stronger than the largest river
Spreading your blood
Your life
Your love
Throughout your body.
I remember your hands
Strong and delicate at the same time
Wiping away my tears
Stroking my hair
Holding me up
Fighting away my fears.
I want to memorize your body
Every curve enticing and beautiful
The way it feels perfect while it's against mine
No part of your body needs any change
Its perfect that's all there is to it.
I want to keep these all in my mind forever.
I never want to forget
The way you make me feel.
I want to love you forever  
That's what I intend to do.

Hope is dangerous
Perhaps that's why it hangs around on street corners
And in doorways
Waiting to waylay me as I pass through
To get my morning coffee

I've been fighting with Hope
But it doesn't fight fair
It has a shiv that cuts deeply into my heart
And the parry fractures on my ulnae
Say more about its victory over my defenses
Than these inadequate words ever can.

Hope has a rap sheet a mile long
And when it comes knocking,
Part of me knows it would probably be better
To turn out the lights and pretend I'm not home

But I'm recklessly unafraid.
And the danger excites me.
And I climb on the back of Hope's motorcycle
Not caring that he's taking the curves too fast
And I let hope sneak me out of the house in the middle of the night
Running away together into the night
Knowing full well that when the morning comes,
He will be long gone.

Hope has me sitting in this car in an abandoned shipyard
Waiting for the drop
Believing, against all sanity, that you will show up
To make the exchange
To continue the deal.
Hope is reckless and fearless
Hope is the explanation behind every one of these scars

I haven't seen you in a long time, but
Foolishly, I still believe in your promise
And soon, the court date with Hope will come
And my love for you will stand trial
Though it's never been anything but innocent,
I know I would be found guilty, time and again
Hope blasphemously sits in the judges chair
Feet up on the railing
As he waits for you to show up and swear in.

Hope brokers back-door deals with me in the passenger seat
Leads me down dark alleys at 2 in the morning
Making promises nobody could ever keep
He keeps my bank account at an all-time low
He holds the gun to my ribcage in the tattoo parlor and asks, one more time
"Will this save you? Will this make you free?"

Hope is an exercise in flirtation with disaster
Except that Hope doesn't know how to flirt,
Doesn't do anything halfway -
It becomes an exercise in falling in love with disaster
Finding beauty in the broken things.

I'm begging you -
I know Hope is dangerous
But please don't tear him away from me
Dear god, please.
Because if you leave this time
If you fail me now
If you walk away, he walks with you.
Despair becomes my only company

And though dangerous, Hope is exciting
Despair just hands me the bottle of tequila
And shaking his head knowingly, tells me
To drink until it's empty
To say goodbye to you and Hope
The only way I can