I remember when we
Almost kissed.
When we
Almost shared the
Same breath.

I noticed that
What happened
Could have gone
A lot of ways.
We could've fell in
Love.
We could've stopped
Being friends.
Or
We could have gone on with
Life normally.

I hate that I
Missed the chance of
Feeling your
Lips
On mine.

I miss you Dad.
I guess I'm lucky;
At least I have a
Dad.
But do I?
You send me money,
Expecting that
It's all I need.
But when I check the mail,
I don't want to see
Money;
I want to see
you.

I am not an object
I am not a body
good for nothing
I am not a mannequin
defined by some different facade
to aid the next animal of a boy's
hunger
for what
lust
love
not the latter thats for sure
hungry for nothing but a good time
well excuse me when I don't jump to your call
on the drop of a dime
don't stand there and tell me I'm better than the rest
Or that this time's different
you haven't change
don't take me for deranged
I know how it works
tell me I'm something special
with your words
though your eyes scream
just adequate
Don't stand there and tell me I'm special
Somedays the hurt gets me
it attacks everyone at some point
right
well tonight it's got me
wrapped its arms tight
around my body
I can't take it anymore
I am more than a body
in fact
I have a soul
no
I am a soul
A soul
that comes at with the toll
of a body
An unflattering vessel to something
amazing

Oh Ashley,
You care so dearly for me.
Why?
What's so improtant about
Me?
Why should you care if
Blood pours out of me?
Why should you care if
My dad doesn't visit me?
Why should you care if
I **** myself?

Living is alot to ask for and
I'm sick of asking.
You pay alot of debts and
Fall in and out of love
Who wants that?
That feeling of a constant downward

                  s
p
      i
          r
a
               l
that never ends?
Who wants to feel so
Alone
And
Dead
And
Useless?

I'm scared of death sometimes.
But I'm not afraid to wish for it.

My thoughts at night are
Frightening.
I see different ways to end my life and
I actually almost did.
At least in my dreams,
Not in real life.

I hate falling and
I'm afraid of heights.

Why isn't the people I love
Willing to catch me?

I laughed today.
Like a genuine laugh
Like a real laugh.
It was so wonderful,
I was actually sort of happy.
Thank you for that,
It was nice.

I have two ways I could
Ask you out:
#1-
We could be sitting under a sheet
With all the lights turned out
On my bed (or yours)
And we could be laughing and then
I'd kiss you.
We'd look at each other after and then
I'd smile and say,
"Will you be mine?"
#2
We'd about to be leaving for
Our first travel trip.
We'll be eighteen and
You'll be packing up upstairs.
I'll pull in with my car and
Pull out chalk from the backseat.
I'll sit on the ground and draw some
Words so that when you come outside
You can see them.
It'll say, "Will you be mine?" And
Have two boxes under it.
One will say yes and the other will say no.

Hopefully you won't even have to check a box because
You'll be in my arms
Crying
Laughing
And be mine already.

I wish to see your
Face again,
That eyes that
Make me flutter.
I wish to see your
Face again,
And this time not
Say words that stutter.