Maria all but said goodbye,
Maria ran with haste,
Maria would at last receive
The love she loy'lly chased.
Maria left her life behind,
Without a chance to cry.
But Maria gave too much, too soon,
And watched her lover die.

- p. winter

You know how I agree
That we were never meant to be,
But the nights I spent
Preparing to be yours
You didn’t see,
As I thought and prayed
And told myself
That you could possibly
Be worth the time
And worth the wait
And worth the misery.

- p. winter

The loneliness of night settles down.
A star faintly illuminates
My slowly fading footprints
As I limp through the snow.
Without coat or shoes,
I let the cold
Consume me
One last
Time.

- p. winter

My memories so wistful,
          As I grab them by the fistful,
Glint with melancholy ire,
          As I throw them in the fire,
And my desperation spurn,
          As I watch them fail to burn.

- p. winter

If ever I forgive you
For the emptiness I feel,
Know that it took all my strength
To force my pride to kneel.

And if ever I regain the sense
My heart alone has worth,
Know I fought to find it
When you left me in its dearth.

- p. winter

My tears are thick with anger,
Desolation blurs my view,
I want nothing you can offer,




Still my dreams are all of you.

- p. winter

The floodgates have been opened,
Love runs out of every pore,
But, without a destination,
It distorts itself to grief
And slowly seeps into the floor.

- p. winter

Death does not scare me,
It is the means
And the ease with which it takes
That haunt.

- p. winter

When you held my hand did you feel
The callouses from the music I’ve played
The dirt from the trees I’ve climbed
The scars from the times I’ve fallen

Or did you feel only the warmth
Of something more than nothingness

- p. winter

on we go
alone we grow
to cradle grief
and seek relief
of final breath
that quiet death
would unto us
at last bestow

- p. winter

I wish that I could tell you where this little train is going,
I wish that I could promise it will make it to the end,
But whatever light or shadow at the tunnel’s mouth awaits,
The journey to my blessing count I’ll wistfully append.

- p. winter

How much did the devil pay
To see me in your bed?
And how much would I offer him
To save the blood I’ve shed?
Will hell show pride or pity
When it takes us newly wed?
The flames can have my body,
For my soul's already dead.

- p. winter

Father, forgive him,
For he knows not what he does.
Cast him not aside
With the thrown dice
And torn clothes.

Forgive me, Father,
For it is I who knows,
And it is I who throws
The dice and clothes.

- p. winter

Time plays in reverse,
Even the light adjusts her hue,
All the universe is silent and
The world hears only you.

- p. winter

To a fault I am wary
But if you could carry my eyes
You’d see life is deceptive
And so deeply buried in lies

Of happiness being
A destination to find
When I know it’s the memory
Of feeling your heart beat to mine.

Do the angels get tired of
Hearing your name find its way
Into every request they receive
When I kneel down to pray?

Will heaven remember
The sacrifice made on the day
You let go of my hand
And I watched as your car drove away?

It’s that time of the day when my eyes
Come to life in the light,
But without you to see it
They fade with the dark of the night.

Am I weak for how strongly
I long to turn wrong into right?
Does it hurt more to forfeit
Or watch ourselves die in the fight?

In the midst of the pain I’ll try
Not to lose sight of the fun,
But ignoring what’s true would be
Laughing while loading the gun.

For the knots that we tied with our hearts
Won’t be easily undone
And I’ll cry as I pick them apart
Wishing you’d been the one.

- p. winter

you know how badly i want you here
how badly i want you here
i want you here

say it again
say it again
again

how badly do you want me there
how badly do you want me
how badly

enough to come home
come home
come home
home

i am here
i am here

you know how badly i want you here
i will always be here
always

- p. winter

i lie within a patch of sun on my bed,
the sound of a guitar in the air around me,
and gaze across the street
while children laugh and dance at school

i am alone
but you are here

in the sunshine by my window
in the music that i play
in the laughter and the dancing
in the pavement ‘cross the way

i stroll through familiar streets
the cold biting at my ears and fingertips
i keep my eyes down and do not look at the trees
but i feel it in my heart when i pass the very one

i walk alone
but you are here

my hands cannot be cold
when they are rested in your own
the tree blooms in november
from the warmth that it was shown

i close my eyes and hope to dream
of anything but you beside me
for waking to an empty bed
would only rip my scarring heart open again

i sleep alone
but you are here

not only in the comfort
and the slowly fading light
but in the rosary i prayed for you,
and still do, every night

you are everywhere
and yet i am
alone

- p. winter

The hours in the day
Seemed so few
Until I had to force myself
Not to fill them with your company

For when you were there
They drifted by so easily
And now they dawdle
As if mocking me in my loneliness

- p. winter

we kiss yesterday goodbye
but love’s what i’ll remember
even now you’re gone

think of me tomorrow
as you travel on

- p. winter

tomorrow will he look at me
with pity in his eyes,
ignore my vulnerability
and entertain the lies
of how i can be flourishing
while my emotion dies,
or will he never look at all
and hope i understand what that implies

- p. winter

my dignity dripped down my cheek
racing towards the floor
as you wiped it e’er so gently with your thumb

i let myself be overwhelmed
by sentiment once more
then slowly felt my heart again go numb

as i always knew it would
as it always has before
as it always will for many years to come

- p. winter

with tears in my eyes i prayed

that the choice
would never before me sit

that the words
would never be torn from my lips

that ignorance
would never be more than bliss

and now, with prayer answered,
somehow it was more difficult
to hear it come from you

- p. winter

I let the wind-churned surface gently raise me up
And set me down again.
If I am travelling at all I am unaware of it
For I look around and seem to be
In the middle of the same sea as yesterday.
I swim in protest of sinking but every once in a while I go still
Just to let my head fall under for a bit.
The water in its mercy keeps me afloat,
But the winds pick up
And my ankles grow heavy.
The ocean floor looks so peaceful in my mind.

I let myself dream of an anchor
Guiding me to the creatures below.
They welcome me with their faint glow
But I am blind here, accustomed to the sun.
The salt tastes different.
My lips do not complain.
Already I feel a burning in my chest,
Still the anchor continues at a steady pace,
Further from the wind and the waves.
I fight to keep the little air I have left
And begin to wonder:
If I were to drown on the journey down
Would my body float
To the surface again?
Or would the depths claim me,
The anchor tightening its grip,
Ever sinking…
Ever sinking…
Ever sinking…
Ever…

The cry of a gull wakes me.
I come to and inhale the familiar taste of ocean air.
For a moment, the waves are still and I float in silence.
But I look around and seem to be
In the middle of the same sea as yesterday.
And soon the winds will pick up
And my ankles will grow heavy.
The ocean floor looks so peaceful in my mind.

- p. winter

Plenty of fish in the sea,
Or so she was taught to believe.
Men come and go, like the tides and the waves,
But she almost drowned trying to get them to stay.

She kept them proud and warm
And waited out their storm,
Now she's pacing the shore with her heart in her hand,
Only one pair of footprints is left in the sand.

Maybe she was meant to be
The lighthouse for the lonely.
For again she is left with the moonlight above,
Watching the waves for love.

- p. winter

Can we afford the clemency
We grant unto ourselves
When giving in to hope and weak desire?

St. Anthony is weeping for
The pieces of my heart
I'm slowly losing sight of in the fire.

- p. winter

Kneeling o’er your lap,
Along my neck, your shaky breath,
I almost can ignore
Our love’s inevitable death.

- p. winter

When I can’t keep reciting rhyme
While slowly giving in to time
With your lips gently touching mine
Why bother write another line?

- p. winter

At night the walls turn crimson red,
Your phantom chest is ‘neath my head,
The smell of comfort settles in
Among the tingles on my skin
That still remain from days ago,
My ribcage in your hand to show
We fit like jigsaw pieces do.
But night no longer summons you
And so I watch the walls return to blue.

- p. winter

I must be in denial.
I chose this for myself
And for you.
But if I saw you from across the room
I wouldn’t be able to look away.
And if I saw you on the street
I’d run and wrap my arms around you.
And if I saw you with another
I would freeze.
And remember.
And force myself to cross the street.
And force myself to look away.
I chose this for you
And for myself.
I must be in denial.

- p. winter

kiss me on the hand
erase the pain i used to know
and
take me
on adventures
never minding where we go

- p. winter

If you had not reminded me
The choice we made is right,
I'd have run back to your bed
With twenty poems more to write.

For even at my strongest
I am nothing more than weak,
And I gladly would have suffered
Just to have another week.

- p. winter

The strength is not my own
That saves me from surrendering at war.

I wake too soon from dreaming
My fragile armour shatters on the floor.

The calling of temptation
I’ve battled with a hundred times before.

The strength is not my own
That loves you just enough to close the door.

- p. winter

Let’s swing again on asphalt
To music only we can hear,
Or waltz beneath a tree of fireflies.
The schoolyard is a ballroom
When we let logic disappear
Beneath attraction’s innocent disguise.

- p. winter

And how I’ll miss
Your hand around my waist
Pulling me in
Reminding me
Some part of me is good.

- p. winter

I never cared for
Wine until you kissed me with
Its taste on your lips.

- p. winter

If time would do the honour
Of only standing still,
I’d rest in your protection
And never say ‘until.’

If time would do a favour
And give me one more night,
I’d close my eyes and will the sun
To never show her light.

- p. winter

The last time that you held me
I could feel the ticking time.
Now I’ll only have the memories
In melodies and rhyme.
The last time that you kissed me,
A tear dripped from my eye
For the ever fleeting moments
Leading up to our goodbye.

- p. winter

The words I cannot say to you
I'll trace along your spine
To a record player's susurrating song.
I fight the feel of falling,
Asleep or otherwise,
But the nocturnes lull,
And so you pull me quietly along.

- p. winter

I’d like to think we had an unspoken agreement
That our time together was not long enough.

But we remained silent and watched it end.
And maybe it was easier that way.

- p. winter

I am exhausted of merely being put up with.
Of men saying that I am “worth the wait” and leaving when they have to wait for me.
It will always come to a point where suddenly my company does not outweigh the desire for more of what other girls can offer. Always.
I have vowed to myself that I will wait for one with which I will wait.
Who doesn’t look at me and imagine what he’d do if I weren’t so complicated and adamant about depriving him of something that “everyone’s doing”.
I am enough when I laugh at their jokes and sing them songs and hold their hand and take off the mask I hide behind.
But I only have to wait
And eventually they will want more from my mouth than laughter and song.
They want to hold more. They want me to take off more.
They usually mean no harm, they’re human after all. The desires of the mind are dangerously powerful.
I don’t blame them for not understanding, it isn’t something they’re accustomed to. The good ones tell me no means no and I know they would never push.
But I see it in their eyes when their pupils dilate and it is not because I am beautiful.
I hear it in their breath when they kiss me once and then kiss me twice and kiss me again and again and again and press further and deeper and I yearn to give them what I know they wish they were building towards.
I cherish my innocence but I fear what happens when they are told to stop.
The exasperated sigh of frustration, the collapse beside me in disappointment.
After all these years I still don’t know how to say it.
I’ve mastered the art of holding my breath while their hands wander and telling myself as long as I take nothing off it never happened.
I got a good one once.
He made me laugh and sang me songs and held me close.
But even still I know I let him down.
His racing heart and curious lips never asked for more, but I knew they would take it if only I allowed.
They all would take it.
If only I were fun.
If only I were easy.
If only they didn’t have to take matters into their own hands when I went home.

I hate having to find out how long they can last before I am no longer endearingly but enragingly pure.
It is always shorter than I wish.

I know there are many who want my heart.
But there are so few that want nothing more.
Nothing more than what I have to offer.
Nothing more than to wait.

- p. winter

i have tasted gold
yet still i return to coal
in hopes of diamond

- p. winter

Love is walking away
To let the butterflies die
Before we have a chance
To die with them.

- p. winter

The loving thing to do
Is take your heart and mine
In separate hands
To gently break together.

But if I wait and dare pretend
The ending is not written
Then our hearts, each on their own,
Will only shatter.

- p. winter

We all want the highs and we all want the lows
Of emotions to which we succumb,
But when high is elation and low, devastation,
It's easier just to go numb.

- p. winter