again
I sit in wonder
about how easy it is
to drink
talent away
how I drank so much of mine
****** it down the drain
instead of tickets
rides on the train
writing poetry
all just a dream
it seems

escape
practically impossible
at this point
too many mistakes
to run away
repairs must be made
only my love left to take
experience has taught me
it's only your love left to shake
from my bones and my insides
thoughts of you are too toxic for me to
detox
all I can hear is the thudding of my heart
can't hear your weak knocks
your eyes are shots
worry and fear
all you
brought
and
you still linger
in my head
as I lay in bed
forever alone
consumed into a restlessness
tossing and turning
rolling over
thoughts of you
my physical memory
is nothing but a haunting
dark and ghostly figure of your touch
your presence
you wouldn't touch me
just lay there
rotting
two feet beside me
too far ahead of me, too busy sinking

"Girls are supposed to be
  soft and sweet."

"What if I want to be
  rough and ****?"

"Why not both?"

"Fear." and silence.

Too afraid to ever love another.
Let me run away from anything
stable, comfortable, or promising.
I must admit, I feel like ****,
no matter how much I crave it
the commitment sinks into me
crushing my very will to survive.
The only way to escape
is to stop.

//no. no. no. no.//

don't forget me
no longer facing
         lies
no
       never yours
forever yours
//lies

//stop. stop.

I can't get enough
of your *******
I can't get enough
of those lips, hips...
eyes

ENOUGH

never enough
come closer
let's touch
/breaking up

I'm too much

waiting for noise to write to
inspiration seeps through
tiny speakers, slowly, louder
cracking and breaking
bursting with emerald
sapphire and lavender
the scents and the colors of sound

like an ostrich in open desert
being approached by three lions
their breath silent and teeth shining
my mouth dries up in fear of theirs watering
it's true that some things never change
the only thing left to do is run away
knowing the truth of the scene
I smash my head into dirt

skull breaking
the earth is
taking me back

She kissed me
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

We fell in
love.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

We made
mistakes.
Not because
we wanted to
but because
we could.

We thought
we were
perfect.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

I vomited in
the bathroom
of a
Baltimore
7-11
because
sometimes
you cannot
hold it in
much
longer.

Her hands shook
as she held her
mirror
because
sometimes
your reflection
can only
tell you
so much.

My body shook.
Her body stiff.
And when
the bodies
move
the hearts
stop.

She lied some.
I drank words.
The veins
in hands
are maps
to imagined
consciousness.

Really,
it's just
a
*******
*****.

Music to
my ears.
Nervousness
between
blinks.
Noise to
my brain.

She said,
"I love you"
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

I said,
"I love you, too,"
not because
I could
but because
I wanted to.

I hear their foot steps
crunching behind me
as they follow through
narrow paths struggling
not to get lost in the trees.

Moonlight barely gazing
our surroundings becoming
more of a painting in the darkness
and the previously peaceful
patches of forest are haunting
with mystery and our internal
compasses blur into nothingness.

Introducing myself to the unknown
my followers lose themselves
while blindly trying to match
my pace, my crawls, and my falls.

No longer the leader they meant for me to be
Never wanted to be the leader either way
Always to the shackles anyways
Yes I'm walking sideways
into space and beyond
the chaos of being stuffed into a mold of perfection
so intoxicating and draining
sickening, the reckoning
lead yourself and I'll lead me
that. is. perfection.