My world does not exist
it is white
two dimensional in three dimensions
and white
colourless, reduced
only perspective in white
ropes
on and across walls
no pain
no emotions
only ROOM
the room exists
without being anything but
space
a concept
an idea
some nails
and a stack of ropes
to play God with

This room has a chair hanging from the ceiling like a parachute for escaping a burning plane, and it has another hard copy hanging from the wall. Everywhere you will find a chair. You only need to look.

I want to sleep
on the round softness
of Nina Saunders' disproportional ball

Upside down
Climbing the wall
but my dreams
are twisted

disturbed
by the dagger penetrating puberty
and the cool still life
silently killing - youth
on the surrounding walls

when skill
and agenda
are combined
with sense
of narrative

We come out for air
To sit for a while
In freedom
Of choice
With dangling feet
From the ledge
Above hundreds
Of others
And busy strangers
Far down there
We come out
To end the day
Neighbours
Watching neighbours
Contemplating freedom
Of choice

Still wearing stockings
And heels
Red hair dressed
Spread
And open
On flowery covers
But the crayons are blocking
Censoring
All entrances
Views
With bold colours
Like blood and dirt
On legs
Pillows
Flowery covers
Exits
Still relaxed
Hidden
Behind the crayons
Still in heels
Dreaming

My great great grand mother
used to hum
when she made coffee
or fixed lunch
in her kitchen

She used to hum
in the garden
and while knitting
in her chair
in her living room

She used to hum
when there were no other sounds
when nobody was talking
until she could no longer knit
and so the sounds of tv
took over

My daughter bears her name
and she hums
when she plays with her toys
and when  she draws
my daughter hums, too

Behind me in line
this morning
at the local store
was a man
with a flower

I only noticed him
as I packed my groceries
but he was standing
right behind me
with his flower

He looked 60-something
and happy
maybe recently retired
and he was buying a flower
a beautiful potted lily

Just that
wrapped in sensible plastic
and he was smiling
made me smile, too

there are only few hours
till dawn
and alarm clocks
but there are bubbles
in the dark
under skin
inside
there are fires
and a puppeteer
with a wish
to make those bubbles burst
in amazing showers

like a whisper
is loud
on the backdrop
of silence

like a crocus
is a colour bombshell
in the sterile white
of snow

my darkness
is a chaotic horror fantasy
in the blissful calm
of day

I seek darkness
and blood
for balance
I want to breathe in fluids
and
to drown myself
in beauty
so I need shades
for depth
perception
I seek out shadows
distorted versions
of light
without which I am frightened
and blind
to its shapes

I seek pain
in visions
vivid illuminations
of horror
of second hand experiences
to shoot through my system
for dopamine kicks
that allow me to cry
and long
for reality's release

huge fires
start in your toes
but reach
much higher

I am Jeanette
I am a mother
A redhead
A wife and a daughter
A teacher
A sister
A friend

I am a graduate
A sinner
A master
An artist
A narcissist
A debitor

I am a liar
A creator
A linguist
A learner
I am a killer
An amateur
A model
A protector

I am Jeanette
I am a dragon
I am a devil
I am a woman
I am a mystery

I am Jeanette
I am a poet

For her
he had spent all his time
building that perfect house
his brothers had all chipped in

We had children helped pick wallpaper
tiles, curtains, floors
it was all perfect
even the street name denoted idyl

It was summer when we moved in
we loved that house immensely
but she, my mother
did not move in
we would visit her over the weekend
at his best friend's house
our house was sold
with loss
to everyone

flickering
flittering
thoughts like butterflies
tinkering
tampering
with my mental state
shimmering
slithering
serpentine dreams of
tippety
tapping
words on the page
like beautiful
bubbles of
thoughtful babble
rattle
rant
but I can't
thoughts are butterflies
and they fly
they defy
me
when I try
to catch them

A lot of words
saved up
sorry about
the flood

at least now
I know
that you're safe
though silent

On a late night walk
just to get some air
I picked it up
outside one of the hotels
and walked around with it
sometimes in my arms
sometimes hanging on my shoulder
later dragging after me
leaving traces of red
on the pavement
but I kept it
for comfort
in crowded places
It allowed me to sit anywhere
until I remembered
that it was supposed to be a short walk
and I returned it
the red chair
at the hotel
where I found it
before I returned
to my dream

I hate you!
because I hate the state that I'm in
because of you
and your tendencies to be late
letting me rely on fate
to bring you back
from hell's gate
or your latest date.
**** that! I shouldn't sit here and wait
for you to communicate
enunciate
that you're back and alive and safe

I hate you
because I care for you
more than I'm supposed to
I'm just a member of the state crew
trying to teach you
raise you
keep you out of trouble, too
make a proper man out of you
all of that you *****
with your trips towards that inner you
Boo! *******!
those trips are ships for fools
they'll sail you right outta your cools

and I hate you
because there's nothing I can do

tomorrow
I hope
my fears will be
follies
and not truths

I wish I could go in person
to check
to see if you're lying
to see if you're just pretending
only playing tricks
and that you haven't seriously gone
to another place
where my powers cannot reach
you

I wish I could ask somebody
to check
to see if you're still alive
to see if you're breathing
only silently
and not because you're reaching
for a higher ground
than the one we can offer you
here

Do you mean to **** me
with your beauty
and your velvet tongue?

Do you mean to **** me
with your letters
and your sentence ropes?

Do you mean to **** me
with your sudden silence
after all your constant talk
of death?

My hair is not ebony black
Or golden caramel
To make your mouth water
My hair is a crimson flame
A burning red
Passionate fire
like blood fresh from a slaughter

My skin is not gold
Or sunkissed amber
Found by a lucky soul
My skin is pearly white
As the sandy beach
Licked by the powerful tide
But sensitive to the sun
And therefore only seen
At midnight

My eyes are not sapphires
Or deep forest lakes to dive into
My eyes are a darkened blue
like the dizzying midnight sky
Illuminated only by
A plethora of stars right above you

My belief
in any written word
requires
suspension of
disbelief

for every message
unreplied
another message
sends itself
to enquire

when the phone rings
and no one's there
imagination leaps

My problem with meditation
is not a lack of focus
my problem with meditation
is not a lack of visualisation
My problem with meditation
is not an inability to control breathing

My problem with meditation is rather
that the one focus I have
the only images I get
are of bodies, of heat, of heavy breathing
because I cannot close my eyes
without envisioning us.

This memory
once
motivated by curiosity
and lack of judgment
smells
of blood
smells like
the taste
of skin
of ***** and blood
and Purple Rain
sensory delusion
dreams of romance
mixed with faeces and surprise
pain realisation
of naivety
still repeated
humiliation
now finally overcome

someday
you'll burn down this place
I know
and from the ashes
you will crawl
in silence

but

that day
when you've scorched this place
you know
that in the grey ashes
I will still be
RED

continuously surpassing
I know
my obligations
to some this may be
considered trespassing
I empathise
to the point
where I almost idolise
your fragility
and I sympathise
almost to the point
where I would follow
if you chose
to leave

absence coupled
with silence
makes this woman's
imagination
run wild

I saw the great change in him
After he saw the nyanga
As if something was tailing him
Something sinister from the Okawanga

He wanted to gain mental strength
That was why he sought witch doctor help
So together they went to great lengths
To summon the Tokoloshe for this whelp

Born of ****** and sinister thought
The foul creature was called to this world
And a wake of ill doings it brought
Causing fear in each boy and each girl

With this new friend he didn’t need me
But he still needed praise and accept
So he brought me along just to see
How he ***** a girl whose blood he kept

In a bottle for pride in his deed
After he killed her and chopped her up
“I was brought there to watch her bleed”
That’s what I said, when I told the cop

The Police came and took him to jail
But the Tokoloshe followed him inside
Soon he vanished, no trace, not a trail
And rumours said Tokoloshe helped him hide

No one saw him for several days
But a rise in disappearances occurred
And soon he revealed his wicked ways
He stole belongings from his victims, I heard

So, he was caught again but not held for long
His Tokoloshe had not finished yet
It was his purpose to match evil with wrong
And **** and **** whomever he would get

18 months he was on the loose
Sometimes aiding police investigations
He would help them pick up the clues
So he could re-live the gory exhilaration

They could only find partial remains
Tokoloshe had made him use his axe
Rather thoroughly and thrown them off trains
He made sure souls would never relax

When they caught him the final time
He was smiling with satisfaction
He felt no sense of remorse for his crimes
Now he hangs as the judge’s reaction

Tokoloshe is still hiding somewhere
Coming out at night when your dreams are deep
Wreaking havoc and causing a scare
Biting toes, ****** women in their sleep

Dizzy
Disoriented
We have to climb
Our destinies
Upwards always
For distributing
Disease
Devastation
Disaster

Before they burst
From our heads
The ascocarp
Like alien flowers
Growing for weeks
Before blooming
With spores
Of infectuous
Beauty
And their asci
Carrying collective
Doom

I screamed
And I ran
But the image caught me
I knew him
The suit and hat
Faceless
Shapeless
Yet familiar
The darkness inside
Despair
Grabbed me
Consumed me
And I became nothing
But air
Darkness in those
Looking for me
And fear
In those who saw
His many forms

I see them coming
I see their ignorance
I watch them
Until they notice me

I let them scream
I let them run
I let them hope
Until they disappear

I was late
I had to run
Had to take a shortcut
Had to run
My heart already pounding
When I saw it
I had to run
I had to scream
I was late

Sometimes a strange wind
I am
At night
Sometimes an extra slender stem
I am
Among trees
Sometimes alien with tentacles
I am
Like a nightmare
Eternal
I am

In his oval chamber
He awaits me
With promises
Of sleep
And transformation

He welcomes me
With recollections
Of sleep
And magical dreams
In his arms

Tonight he awaits me
Again

One coffee
and a name
was carved into
my soul

we ate strange meat
from the ashes
when no green was left

starved and exhausted
we scoured the city
for weapons and meat

we fought wars
over canned fruit and water
and we left the dead to rot

but then the food ran out
and not even acid rain would fall
on the layers of nightmarish dust

when we found him
he was already gone
not dead but out of his mind

so we tied him
and we let him bleed
like a lamb at easter

and we feasted
first on his heart
and then on his meager flesh

In our cups was suddenly wine
and we drank at this
at our last supper as men

Oh! Let me sleep!
Let me drown
intoxicated and free
or let me crash
massively high
on sedative air


Oh! Let me sleep!
Let me dream
on seductive words
Or let me die
ingesting
your poisonous letters

they all leave
one day
they let go
of me

Still listening
For that beat
Still trying
To find
That beat
Within
So I may sleep
So I may dream
That I am awake

perched
like a dragon
above the stairs
in the large assembly room
she watches time pass
on their faces
and with her presence
always
she tries
to change their stars