The clouds seem to dimple in a grid
As if poured over an egg box
And left to set in the sky
Further along the grid sharpens
Now rows of white cut into the sky
And between them blue stripes
(too bright for so late)
Sweep down to the distance
And stretch past the corners of my vision

I stand here
As if I've been here ten thousand times
As if these trodden pathways were laid on my footsteps
And the lines of trees make an imprint on my retina
As if they fill a gap that was printed in my eyes
When they first formed
And the branches turn the afternoon to dusk
Silently drawing the time from the air
And using it to paint a patchwork
Of deepening green above my head.

Every glance I see as a scan
An examination probing for my weak points
Looking to expose my secrets
And reveal the things I hide

I know, of course, most care little
If at all,
Of the width of my shoulders
And the line of my neck

And yet I find myself afraid
That someone may see through me
Notice me in the crowd
And find in the folds of my dress
A reason to hate me.

So here I come
To tear myself to shreds
To chastise myself for fear

So here I come
To run through the loss
To remind myself how foolish I've been

So here I come
To turn noise into ambiance
To listen for signs of my mistake

So here I come
To get away
To trap myself all over again

I can't remember the colour of her eyes
Or her hair or any of the things
You're supposed to pay attention to

I don't know her name or her number
Or what language she spoke
Before we agreed on English

I'm not sure how old she looked
Or why she spoke to me
When neither of us have met

But I know when she asked
If I'd like to walk with her
I definitely should have said yes

An epic battle
Of numbers against paper
Of ideas versus plans
A determination to defy
The rules the world is governed by
And bring inconceivable to life

Can you hear me as I sing to you?
Can you hear when I whisper in my room?
I'm afraid you'll be lonely without me
Are you afraid you'll see me too soon?

I regret every time I drew my own blood
Because it only made the veil close
I regret hurting myself in your name
And I hate that you will never know
That I got past the pain

I won't be held in the pictures we took
I won't stain sadness on the memories we loved
I'll keep on fighting
I'll keep on rising
I won't keep hiding
I'll let the tears fall
So time can take it all