I left you 40 minutes ago and my heart is longing.
Oh my gosh, I am scared.
Feeling like this is bound to get me hurt.
I feel like I'm falling and falling
I don't want to admit this to myself.
I don't even want to talk about.
I have a longing in my chest, warmth in my stomach, and a smile on my face.
But oh, ****
Is it going to hurt when I hit the ground.

I looked at the way my **** was squished under me, I laughed and thought "that's ugly".

I then looked over at the scars on my hip.
"Now that's really ugly."

Sadness is worse than anything
Sadness comes with so many things.

Often I think life is boring...
I want to self destruct..
Cut
Drink
Smoke

But nothing is worse than sadness...
And there are so many types.

Self destruction doesn't make it better,
It will only make it translucent
For only as long as the high..

I thought you knew that.
I don't have the tools to tighten the nuts and bolts that are loose in your head.
I can't help you.
I don't have what you need, and I never will.
So, sorry.

I know that I cant fix you, but I'm believing that now no one else can either.

You're hopeless, you're the only one who can help you.

You can't seem to get that through your skull.

I can't understand why and that is probably because mine is equally as thick.

And the thing is, this isn't poetry anymore.
Its a neverending string of thoughts that needs no configuration.
And maybe thats because my thoughts aren't tangled like headphone wires.
But... no.
That's not true, that thought was crazy.
Instead, maybe, I'd rather lay everything out, in simple terms.
And just slightly, I feel like that just goes to show that things are better.
Rather than bundling up my knotted wires and shoving them into my pocket
I lay them out to see
I'll lay my awful cards on the table
Ill fold,but that.doesn't require giving up.
You can still listen to music with tangled headphone wires.

His name is Luis.
He had a half dozen or so white scars on his tan arm,
I struggled to force my fingers to quickly run over his arm,
a quick touch that meant so much, and he knew too.

He didn't react to this, he looked at my fingers on his arm.
That was it, and I decided to show him what it meant to me.
I turned so my left shoulder faced him, rolled my t-shirt sleeves up, like I was hot, and I was.
It took him 5 minutes to notice, or to say something.
He didn't touch me, he ran the edge of his phone against my shoulder and scars purposefully, 3 times and said 'arm' the last 2 times.
There were no words exchanged, other than 'arm'.
I didn't look up when he did this, I kept my eyes on my book.

It was surreal in all the chaos of school.
It wasn't forced.
It was settled.
We both accepted the way it was.

On the way out
I wanted to grab his arm, and tell him that I was so sorry.
And now I really wish I had...
It has so much meaning
so much sadness.

It rips my heart open every time it happens.

"It gets better" was a phrase I didn't believe, not even for a second.
I would say it to myself, thinking I was lying to myself.
I would say it just to say it; just to get myself through the day.
I said it, I maybe even believed it.
But I still didn't realize that as I told myself a 'lie' it was getting better.
I felt more in control, and simultaneously was realizing some of the things I can't control.
It's better now, it really is.
So help me stranger, you believe it!
It is, find the resource, want to get better, and you will.

If you tell yourself that it will get better, and don't believe it
just you wait, just you wait, stranger.
You aren't lying to yourself.