Different shades of red thoughts haunt my waking motions. Different shades of red thoughts make me feel like I have nothing left. Different shades of red thoughts are covered in all the blood that I have bled. You never want to see these thoughts, you never want to see all the things that have made me bleed.

I don't want to talk to you.
Sometimes I want to talk to anyone but you!
Occasionally I do things that are bad for me.
And I make mistakes that are teachers.
I wish I could say that I almost always feel bad and have it be a lie.
I hate being so tired all the time, and even more than that I hate being hungry.
But most of all, I really hate not knowing what to do about you.

I'm so tired of being sad and the sick feeling it gives my body.
I have once before gave in to the ******* black hole, but no more.
I will be whole.
I will get back to the stables again
I will get back on the horse, and ride through the coarse no-wheres.
And one day when I have defeated all the demons, I will sit down in my Windsor chair.
And in that chair, I will take great care to thank the horse that brought me there.

everything is falling apart again
crumbling like the earth beneath our feet
oh how I wish it was crumbling and crunching
how I ******* wish I was closer to you
this is what broke us
(I actually did)

I'm glad I got out when I did
'cause your world has crumbled around you, but not because of me
I've crumbled within myself a long time ago, and now I'm just waiting for the earth to crumble beneath me
Just waiting and waiting for things to happen
Always waiting and wanting

I wish I could break myself
but its hard to hurt yourself the way others can
It doesn't make any sense, but I know I'll never be able to hurt myself the way others did
Shouldn't you have the most power over you?
It's not that way in reality.

I will go into a hole
a deep abyss
wet or dry?
dark or light?
drained, not elated
I will be gone
I will be graced with nothing
I will be buried by copious amounts of air dirt and water
I will be complete with nothing added
I will be completed with silence in mind
a black hole ignited with color
a void that I would welcome
a hell so heavenly I would float into it willingly
a palace not envied
but a place better than here.

I haven't felt like I was edging into a trench.
Or maybe I won't know when I'm going to fall.
And that is the worst fear of all.

The life of a self harmer is complicated, sometimes orderly and routine.
Or perhaps chaotic and jagged.
The life of a self harmer can be happy, struggled, or crushing.
We are not trying for your attention, we are for ourselves.
We feel inferior when we look at others self harm
Our minds sometimes revolve around this.
Gathering supplies, and sneaking around.
Hiding cuts, burns, bruises, or scars.
So prepare to feel alone, and inferior.
Prepare to lie, and withhold the truth.
Brace yourself for the constant worry that wounds will be infected.
Pack a bag of anti-anxiety pills for all the triggers that will be thrown your way.
Prepare to go back and forth with yourself: "I want it so bad." and "I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE."
Have fun trying to pick out swim suits, or changing in gym.
Be careful about panic attacks when you cut deep or bleed a lot.
Get ready to jump for joy at razors, and for the triggers of any sharp object.
You'll wonder if you've gone crazy, if you could possibly not be insane.
Once again prepare yourself for the other people who harm themselves, you will see them at school, online, at the stores, you will hear about them everywhere.
You will hear people make fun of it, you will want to yell and scream.
You will wonder why you still do it, and how you could ever think the way you do.
And don't forget how you will feel so much guilt and regret almost every-time.
Don't let it slip your mind that you will always have it with you, and no matter how long you've been away from it.
Because it is with other people.
I almost forgot that you will feel like you can't get away.
And when other people find out, people that love you, it will hurt so bad to see them hurt.
They will be angry, and they won't understand. They care though.
And there will be so much more if you go down this road.
It's so hard to climb back up, but it is possible.
Sometimes I yell at people back on dry land, and ask them how they got there.
It's different for everyone, but please stay dry and off this cliff.