will this colourless existence ever see any hues?
or in this time frame all i shall feel is blue?
i talk to people and feel nothing at all
still checking my phone to see if he'd call
but he's already out there having the time of his life
pretending he's the victim and blaming me for the rife
yet day in and day out i cry, feeling weak as ****
only to piece myself back together and try my luck
he isn't a lesson but a trigger has he become
making me question everything and then some
i don't grieve the man he chose not to be for me
but i simply shake my head at the betrayal i couldn't see
for he went out there and told people about my vulnerabilities
thinking he did something right by crushing even the possibilities
of us even being civil to each other's presence
and maybe not always being better in each other's absence
how easy was for him to forget about me and my love for him
because i've witnessed him remembering her for years on a whim
maybe i had my answers all along and still stupidly hoped
my beating heart pumped more than blood, a dream to float
and now, when the ship has sailed and sunk
i am here alone, wailing and waiting for that punk
to finally see sense and mend his actions
but he's too far away, moved on with his stories and captions

i always thought those books that i read
in lover's conflicts and wars they dealt
meant something beyond these images in my head
meant more than mere novels, something the poets felt
but oh boy, was i terribly wrong
i made my own suffering prolong,
i ain't the "forever" material or ****,
simply a means to an end is what fits,
i will never be nobody's moon or stars
because i am adorned with scars
given by life, it's people and it's maker
all through these 22 years of being a waker
rejected, dejected and an outcast at it's best
i ain't special but simply different from the rest
a fool i have been all along, believing it was my superpower
oh good lord, i was simpy never on anybody radar
the unlikable, unwanted and unlovable soul
who had no poise, passion or a gritty goal
i have been loitering in delusion, hallucinating the impossible
all the while i have done nothing but been an imbecile
i maybe good but never great
in the world of curves, a definite straight
being humble was my only shot at becoming better
but in the end, it got me to this point where i am typing this letter by letter
all i am is a wishful thinker who lives in the world of imagination
a dull, boring kid trapped in an adult's body and adaptation
a stupid girl who is the easiest of all
an ugly-hearted, too trusting of a call
i am pathetic, the dumbest being to ever grace this planet
as useless and replaceable as the middle of a magnet

Stood I staring at the building I once called- "My school"
With a heart so pure, I was too easy to befool.
All these years went by and yet the memories stayed,
Every night I cried, for the horrors to desipate- I prayed.

Yet every detail of that 'incident' clung to my bones like Ivy,
Making me curse myself for harbouring all the naivety.

Often wondered I- "Did I bring this upon myself?
Or maybe if I'd yelled a little louder that day, someone would've finally helped?
Was it my outgoing nature that made them think that I "wanted it"
Or was it the fact that I liked one of them is what "lured" him in?
In places where I didn't want to be touched or pried,
They took and took until I was destroyed and dead eyed;
Bleeding from every pore, torn from the inside,
I laid on the cold floor waiting for someone to stride,
And stop the two demons who's faces I still have registered in my brain,
The two humans who lost their humanity with evil flowing in their veins.

But nothing happened and no knight in shining armour came,
I was left there with my battered body and shattered soul, in vain.
It was only after hours of darkness that saw I some light,
That made me squint because it was too bright.
I got up- burning and tripped in the pool of my own blood,
That ripped a scream out of my lungs and made tears flood.
I rose again and again until I finally limped my way out,
Leaving behind the ashes of my former self- covered in a shroud.

I decided that I won't be a victim of what happened to me,
Rather believed that justice will be served and they shall see,
How I chose to not succumb to death and thus, had a rebirth,
And like the Phoenix- I came, I saw, I conquered my dearth.

So today, standing in front of the structure that housed my fears for so long, I ponder-
"What didn't **** me, has definitely made me stronger"
But I'm not a mere survivor who went on with her life like before,
Rather, I'm a warrior who slayed her fears and settled the score;
Suffering is my nectar, the energy source on which I run,
- A product of pain, an Angel, even though a fallen one.

So what if an example was set at the cost of me losing my innocence,
It made thousands of people stand up against the grave offence;
Striving each day to make this place safer for the entire human race,
And this, dear reader, will be enough for me to finally rest my case.

somedays i hate people around me
and somedays i hate myself be
am i the problem or is it the world i see
suffocating people pretending to set them free
what is it? this thought keeps me awake
in my turbulent turmoil do i shake
because loving him isn't getting me anywhere
but putting a lock on my emotions isn't fair
since i want to be different, a good human
great and perfect who's too busy to have fun,
is working hard to become successful and no. 1
a product of pain who chose to become better like the sun
but i fail everydamnday, everydamnway
by expecting too much from my battered body, which isn't ohkay
i think too much, act too little
fracturing my feelings, my heart so brittle
it's not good to be this person that i am
breathing in order to make everything work a/c to my meticulous plan
but **** if i know what's right or wrong anymore
i am exhausted to my very core
the sad part is that i'm nowhere closer to what i want
and this doesn't let me sleep, every night this haunts
yet i lay in my bed, wasting away day after day
and i have no words left to say
i can't die but i ain't living either
i am pathetic, i know thats what you think reader
my past holds on to me so strongly that i play it on loop
the future makes me anxious, so in my eyes do i stoop
be the same old dumb ****** that i have always been
my potential dying before it could ever be seen
just crossing out dates on my phone's ******* calendar
wrong profession, wrong attitude, wrong is my ******* gender

you look at me like you want me
but you never say a word, simply see
your eyes do a tour but never dip too low
very gentlemanly of you or is it just for show?
because i have heard your tales, your reputation precedes
the list of your conquests is what that impedes
me from obsessing over your veiny arms and full lips
making me crave your body, from toes to finger tips
because i know where your hands have been
who warmed your bed and how you left her cold
girl after girl has exited your door, i have seen
and yet, you think it's your face that i want to hold?
i might have episodes of self-destruction but i have more than two brain cells
i know that you aren't an angel who fell
you're a devil who seems to want a piece of me now
but letting a man take me for granted is something i can't allow
so what that your piercing gaze makes me wet
it's not a good enough reason for me to let
you touch me there where i ache for your expertise
i am self-sufficient to make myself relieved
but somedays it's a little difficult to get you out of my head
because it's your soul that i see instead
of a guy who simply wants to blow his load
but you're a risky bet that i can't afford
so stop looking at me like you want something from me
because honestly, i am pretty weak
i will succumb to my ***** demons soon
~you're a bane so why are you pretending to be my boon?

i looked at him because he was my solace
my sanity in this world of chaos and craze
he wiped my tears and made me laugh
fixing people was his favourite craft
a broken doll did he choose to repair
helped her collect her pieces with care
he healed her slowly, layer by layer
and she longed for him, her heart so fragile
that today it's his ghost for which she smiles
if love had to end then why did it begin
how can losing somebody be a win
because now her demons have left but so has he
she wishes to go back in time and broken forever be
because she believes that she cursed him with her presence
and with this thought she's living her days in repentance

after reading thousands of pages dipped in love
words formed from bleeding ink yet it isn't enough
for me to formulate something of my own
all these fearsome feelings i wish to set in stone
the rise in my pulse on seeing him, the smile that touches my lips
the way he looks at me from far, his hand in mine- grazing my fingers tips
i wish i could tell you how this is making my mind churn
the want i feel for him and how this desire makes me burn
but i belive the hopeless romantic in me took it's last breath
and i killed it while it laid on it's death bed
so i stay with it's memories and corpse
suffering day and night with my writer's block
nothing inspires me anymore
maybe filling in the blanks satisfies the core?
so i believe that the best poems spring from the worst heartbreaks
beacuse being in love isn't what that makes
me pick my pen up and write my heart down
to make my poetry the talk of the town!

often wonder i how would it feel
when my cut open wrists would bleed
saving me from taking the next breath,
i happily choose the easiest of death!
because living is a chore i cannot do
everything's black, devoid of a hue!

yet a part of me wishes to be found
hearing me out when i suffer without a sound

helping me come back from this dark deep hole
and make me acquainted with my spirited soul

for i know there's a part of me that wants to survive
a beating heart and bruised body still wanting to thrive

a little push to pull me from the edge
a shoulder to lean on is all i fetch

somebody, anybody to shake some sane sense into me
when the noose around my neck constricts tightly

i wish i could just speak whatever is bottled within
and maybe that could save me from committing this sin

but who? how? when? and what? could help this failing will
a person, a parent, a sign or a shrink would help me before i ****?
or is there one another being who'll be there?
-the one standing behind the mirror with a sanguine stare

you look at me like you want something from me
but wonder i, what possibly could it be
for i have nothing to offer you
neither a sentence nor words a few
then why do your eyes burn holes into mine
searching for what lies deep inside
i cannot fathom the depths of your obsession
burning so bright with an everlasting passion
you're my poison, you will be the death of me
and so wonder i, why do you look at me like you want a broken piece like me