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and now when i can't look at you
i see that you want me to be your view
saying that the love you denied is true
and without me your sky isn't that blue
you're telling me that you've realised
but you're making amends only to lessen the guilt inside
but i ain't a fool anymore who'd drop everything now
for you and the hope of "us" is dead somehow
leave me the way you left those 89 days back
in a puddle of my tears and my heart in cracks
it took so long and will take so much longer for me to fix my mind
and if your feelings are this fierce too then to yourself be kind
make something of everything that has happened and more
go through those stages of grief, they will shake you to your core
i can't let you destroy me again
or let you be the reason for my pain
can't forget the disrespect, the nonchalance, the hurt i didn't deserve
so all i want now is to live in peace and end this verse
i fear to hope that people can change for good
because doing that once killed something within me, i understood
if you wanted it, if you wanted me- you could
so yes, go act like i broke your heart and thus i am the villain of our story
i am strong enough to handle your hate and shall take the blame in all its glory
don't start now by dua lipa
Nov 3 · 562
the truth
for boys may come
and boys may go
but a man shall stay forever
the brook goes on forever and so does the love of a "man"
i have tried 99 ways to get over him
felt the **** of my scar on my skin
i wrote, i cried and died a little on the inside
waiting for him to come back, hoping he'd decide
that maybe i am worth his efforts and his time
and i ain't that ugly of a person that he's made up in his mind
but he keeps on breaking my already shattered heart
that still longs for him, belongs to him in part
i can't really wrap my head around the fact how
despicable and heinous a human can be
snuffing life out of another, issuing a death decree
and what baffles me more is how he masked all this all along
with each day passing was he plotting to make my suffering prolong?
abandoning me at the exact moment when i was all in
hardening my preexisting beliefs that love was a sin
yet i willingly choose to become a sinner
because in the game he's playing, i don't aim to be a winner
all i wanted was his faith and rest i would've happily done
but now the mere thought of companionship is something i have shunned
this feeling of wanting to hold on to that glimmer of hope
isn't really going away, maybe there's no scope
i don't know how much longer is this going to take,
how much more dawn do i need to come to wake?
Oct 25 · 112
moving on
Påłpëbŕå Oct 25
will this colourless existence ever see any hues?
or in this time frame all i shall feel is blue?
i talk to people and feel nothing at all
still checking my phone to see if he'd call
but he's already out there having the time of his life
pretending he's the victim and blaming me for the rife
yet day in and day out i cry, feeling weak as ****
only to piece myself back together and try my luck
he isn't a lesson but a trigger has he become
making me question everything and then some
i don't grieve the man he chose not to be for me
but i simply shake my head at the betrayal i couldn't see
for he went out there and told people about my vulnerabilities
thinking he did something right by crushing even the possibilities
of us even being civil to each other's presence
and maybe not always being better in each other's absence
how easy was for him to forget about me and my love for him
because i've witnessed him remembering her for years on a whim
maybe i had my answers all along and still stupidly hoped
my beating heart pumped more than blood, a dream to float
and now, when the ship has sailed and sunk
i am here alone, wailing and waiting for that punk
to finally see sense and mend his actions
but he's too far away, moved on with his stories and captions
how much longer is it going to take for me heal?
it's almost been 3 months...yet "We Don't Talk Anymore" hurts like a *****
i know this is good riddance, this is good for me but him turning out to be exactly like he promised he'd never be breaks me
i can't even talk about it, talk to him or do anything will all these feelings i have

it's just a chapter, not the entire book...i don't reread it, don't even want to but his nonchalance is making me feel ******* used

but nothing matters right? you gotta be strong p :)
Oct 21 · 109
to the love left in me
Påłpëbŕå Oct 21
its been seventy days and a few minutes more
since i've been trying with all i am to be alright
i know i will never be like the way i was before
someone who is bold and beautiful and bright
and has so much fight still left in her
that the world within me starts to unfurl
yet i end up on my bed, coiled and curled
hope flowing down my eyes making everything blurred
it hurts a lot yet i can't break and shall move forward
i don't know how to lean on a man's shoulder because i ain't a coward
but on days like today i wish he'd call me up or send a message
waiting for anything at all, even his hate or his caged rage
why? because i don't know what to do with all this love
that's still left in me for him, i can't seem to shove
so cry i, my heart out when i am on my own, alone
in the darkness of the night, i miss "us" in the glow of my phone
only to get up tomorrow morning to be abso-*******-lutely great
letting go of the girl i used to be, becoming a heartless woman with every date
-losing myself all the while i look for me
i don't know what do i even miss about him because with each day he seems more of a figment of my imagination
the realization that i never mattered to him kills me
but he will never know, i will never give him the satisfaction
i guess i conjured him up
Oct 14 · 178
SHIMLA
Påłpëbŕå Oct 14
with 23 years of breathing away
today as i walk down these lanes
with lots of words but nothing much to say
staring through these not so familiar window panes
every face i see here seems to be known
passing me by as if to greet me even tomorrow
with bluest of sky and chilly wind blown
i look at the church and the enormous tree with sorrow
because with each fleeting moment
and ticking of this life clock
my heart's getting full of the sentiment
-nostalgia brimming, ending my writer's block
because i miss the days when i wore red
and my only stress was to score good on a test
but now i have some serious issues to deal with in my head
that even though i am home yet trudge through i a tempest
my soul craves solace and this body needs benediction
to the place i belong shall make me whole again, i pray with conviction
shimla isn't just a place, it's a feeling
i am proud to be born here even though someone made me feel otherwise and thus, this ain't changing anytime soon
Oct 2 · 176
[de]attachment
you've broken my heart into pieces you can't count
left me bleeding on the floor alone with my shouts
yet you never looked back or felt a flicker of remorse
and carried on with your little life while i was at war
you can't love? but i know that you can, just not me
yet you lied to my face as if i will never be able to see
and even today you go on thinking you've done us both a favour
but let me tell you oh "demigod" i am not just another flavour for you to savour
you made me feel small because i had emotions, because i cared
putting up with everything because instead of leaving, i wanted to stay
what for? for you tell me that my personality won't fit?
well you knew who i was from the very beginning and that didn't stop you from doing ****
so now you're going and telling people that i was the problem with my issues
but you know exactly what you've done and that is discarded me like a used tissue
yet here i am stronger than ever before
because my heart's pure and full of love and more
i am not ashamed of going all in or feeling what i felt for you
in this fake *** world full of lies i will still strive to be true
you can go find happiness in others and think what you did was right
but in the end all you did was shirked away and gave up on us without a fight
if counting my flaws helps you live with yourself, then i am glad
because i know, i will find my solace after months of being sad
and one day when i will look back, i won't feel anything at all
because damaged people like me know the best how to get up after we fall
Sep 22 · 171
repair
Påłpëbŕå Sep 22
day by day, bit by bit, word by word
she brought herself back to this world
breathing life into her half dead corpse
she screamed back to life devoid of any hopes
what seemed colourful yesterday was back to being black
a grief so severe that made her broken heart crack
it took a toll on her head that was in a disarray
figuring out why this happened to her in this very way
when every vulnerability, every fear of hers was rubbed in her face
thought she to herself was this person ever truly her safe place?
what does it matter now, because to him it never did
-"move on, move along"-until you find your next bid!
but some of us don't really fill our voids with replacements
all we can do is feel and focus on our repairment
we will never see a future with someone if we don't let go of our past
if you want a new beginning you can't let your old ending last
time is extremely powerful
Sep 12 · 167
she devil
Påłpëbŕå Sep 12
oh holy father forgive her for her sins
since she's a loner lost has she been
looking out for herself in forlorn forests
clueless wanderer who walks for miles before she rests
but after being thrown to the wolves has she realised
there's nothing out of question for humans, nothing to surprise
for they'll feed onto your body until they get to your soul
destroying you so thoroughly is their only goal
so she stopped being nice and took reins of her life in her hands
unafraid she led on to conquer those chauvinist lands
too godly gold and too ****** bold for your taste
she was that catch that you missed in your haste
so now she owes nobody a dime
moving flawlessly, her body so sublime
she's too pretty to shed tears for the likes of you
a face like hers isn't meant for your view
so now that she's survived hell she ain't scared of nothing
she's a daunting devil who has an angel's face and wings
Jul 28 · 258
...EVOL...
Påłpëbŕå Jul 28
all along these years wondered i
why did all those people and poets die
writing about something that seizes to exist
a feeling so unnatural that makes humans twist
from the inside out, filling each one with doubts
-what is love? why do we fall in love?
neither the mystery of the cosmos nor the heaven above
has made us as curious as this emotion as such
everyone has been infected with a simple touch
oh lord, do we even need it so much?
all this does is make us weak
rob us of our ability to sleep and speak
grown men cry and beautiful women are brought to their knees
is it even worth all the fiasco, can anyone tell me pretty please?
caring about someone to a point of self-destruction
or smiling through unrequited feeling for someone else's satisfaction
how is all this fair, think to myself i
to be with him, is it ohkay to even lie?
maybe the world would be a better place without men and women wanting to explore
this feeling of damnation that shakes them to their very core
how do you unlove somebody? how do you get a grip of your own heart?
that knows no logic when it comes to that person upon seeing whom it kick starts
but it's a ***** that makes you a fool
i wish i was taught about it more at school
maybe then i would have saved myself of this confusion and madness
because real love is served with an illusion of joy with lots of sadness
Jul 11 · 237
J.M.B
Påłpëbŕå Jul 11
what is it about your darkness that draws me in,
your deep voice or the thought of your hands on my skin?
what is it about your eyes that make me burn the instant they connect with mine,
two bottomless pools of blue, like sublime sapphire they shine;
making me think of perversions that i end up craving your sinful crimes
and i feel like a mortal competing with a god all the **** time!
only if you knew about the things we did in my head,
would you still look at me with nonchalance or would you take a step ahead?
for i stand waiting, day-dreaming about your touch
oh gawd, the mere image has me writhing for you so much
how your lips would move over mine, biting hard
a kiss so cosmically explosive, hurting like glass shards
and good lord, would i revel in that pain
needing you inside me again and yet again
i want you to roughly bend me over on the nearest surface,
tearing down my defences by covering me in your enchanting embrace
it hurts how i want you to a point of madness now
and so defy you i at every chance i have like an unspoken vow
because your magnamous ego and privileged *** is what i despise
that’s why my desire for you is quite a surprise
how i’d want want your body moulding into mine from behind
working me oh so thoroughly that i’ll be sore, i don’t mind
i can’t stop this frenzy, this lust covering my vision-
you’re an enigma, alluring me into your passion-prison;
does looking at me ever kickstarts your dead cold heart?
or have been i invisible to your mighty presence since the very start?
i hate this power that you have over me, making me question my sanity-
you’re my personal hell crafted with satan’s potion & profanity
Jul 10 · 157
broken glass
Påłpëbŕå Jul 10
how did you do it, create a life from death
while bleeding out, how could you give your breath
to save someone as despicable as me
because showing me any mercy is blasphemy
how could you look at my scarred soul
that is black with enormous holes
weeping day in and day out, begging to be gone
how do you bear with someone who should've never been born?
your gentle touch, you pretty smile, your eyes so warm to all my vile
how could you still stay when i pushed you so bad
doesn't this tire you, make you miserable and sad?
because it makes me want to hide and let you go
knowing fully well that i don’t deserve your friendship, for i am your foe
yet you caress my thorns and hold me close
making me better, helping me get over these woes
does it make selfish to want to keep you in my life a little bit longer
praying to whatever power there exists to make me stronger
for the day when you finally give up on me and leave
abandoning me in the grave of my deepest griefs
Jul 10 · 119
HELIOS
Påłpëbŕå Jul 10
you're too bright for me to even look at you
a whole another being, a different view
you've had your set of troubles know i this
yet there isn't an experience that you ever miss
diligent can't define you and neither can consistent
because you're nothing short of a superhuman who's persistent
you're a god in my eyes and i’m a mere peasant
a full moon to my half-*** crescent
i have looked at you and got burned to my bones
danced to your tunes and sung you overtones
hated you once but have loved you always
yet here i am writing about you on days
when i should be focusing on my litttle universe
but i can’t really ever escape your orbit, something i shall always curse
May 29 · 165
just a phase, right?
Påłpëbŕå May 29
i always thought those books that i read
in lover's conflicts and wars they dealt
meant something beyond these images in my head
meant more than mere novels, something the poets felt
but oh boy, was i terribly wrong
i made my own suffering prolong,
i ain't the "forever" material or ****,
simply a means to an end is what fits,
i will never be nobody's moon or stars
because i am adorned with scars
given by life, it's people and it's maker
all through these 22 years of being a waker
rejected, dejected and an outcast at it's best
i ain't special but simply different from the rest
a fool i have been all along, believing it was my superpower
oh good lord, i was simpy never on anybody radar
the unlikable, unwanted and unlovable soul
who had no poise, passion or a gritty goal
i have been loitering in delusion, hallucinating the impossible
all the while i have done nothing but been an imbecile
i maybe good but never great
in the world of curves, a definite straight
being humble was my only shot at becoming better
but in the end, it got me to this point where i am typing this letter by letter
all i am is a wishful thinker who lives in the world of imagination
a dull, boring kid trapped in an adult's body and adaptation
a stupid girl who is the easiest of all
an ugly-hearted, too trusting of a call
i am pathetic, the dumbest being to ever grace this planet
as useless and replaceable as the middle of a magnet
May 22 · 178
breaking up
Påłpëbŕå May 22
maybe my pull isn't that strong
because you seem to deviate, always
from the path we've walked on for so long
that it's been a lifetime and not mere days
are my body and soul not enough?
or are the times too tough?
that you choose the easier option
and leave me without any caution
for i have been here for you, always
but maybe you don't want me anyways
so i wish you luck and so much more
and hope we can still be okay, like before
i don't have it in me to fight, i am tired
and maybe a bit too differently wired
for the likes of you and everybody else
but this time it ain't my fault i can tell
and it's for the better, i can feel it
because we're those pieces of a puzzle that will never fit
i feel better, relieved and not on the verge of crying myself to death
i am not enough, i got that clear
Apr 30 · 276
The Vehement Warrior
Påłpëbŕå Apr 30
Stood I staring at the building I once called- "My school"
With a heart so pure, I was too easy to befool.
All these years went by and yet the memories stayed,
Every night I cried, for the horrors to desipate- I prayed.

Yet every detail of that 'incident' clung to my bones like Ivy,
Making me curse myself for harbouring all the naivety.

Often wondered I- "Did I bring this upon myself?
Or maybe if I'd yelled a little louder that day, someone would've finally helped?
Was it my outgoing nature that made them think that I "wanted it"
Or was it the fact that I liked one of them is what "lured" him in?
In places where I didn't want to be touched or pried,
They took and took until I was destroyed and dead eyed;
Bleeding from every pore, torn from the inside,
I laid on the cold floor waiting for someone to stride,
And stop the two demons who's faces I still have registered in my brain,
The two humans who lost their humanity with evil flowing in their veins.

But nothing happened and no knight in shining armour came,
I was left there with my battered body and shattered soul, in vain.
It was only after hours of darkness that saw I some light,
That made me squint because it was too bright.
I got up- burning and tripped in the pool of my own blood,
That ripped a scream out of my lungs and made tears flood.
I rose again and again until I finally limped my way out,
Leaving behind the ashes of my former self- covered in a shroud.

I decided that I won't be a victim of what happened to me,
Rather believed that justice will be served and they shall see,
How I chose to not succumb to death and thus, had a rebirth,
And like the Phoenix- I came, I saw, I conquered my dearth.

So today, standing in front of the structure that housed my fears for so long, I ponder-
"What didn't **** me, has definitely made me stronger"
But I'm not a mere survivor who went on with her life like before,
Rather, I'm a warrior who slayed her fears and settled the score;
Suffering is my nectar, the energy source on which I run,
- A product of pain, an Angel, even though a fallen one.

So what if an example was set at the cost of me losing my innocence,
It made thousands of people stand up against the grave offence;
Striving each day to make this place safer for the entire human race,
And this, dear reader, will be enough for me to finally rest my case.
Apr 1 · 266
forest
you remind of fresh forests and setting of the sun
and maybe that's why, realised i
the moment i laid eyes on you, you're my only one
Mar 27 · 175
calandar
Påłpëbŕå Mar 27
somedays i hate people around me
and somedays i hate myself be
am i the problem or is it the world i see
suffocating people pretending to set them free
what is it? this thought keeps me awake
in my turbulent turmoil do i shake
because loving him isn't getting me anywhere
but putting a lock on my emotions isn't fair
since i want to be different, a good human
great and perfect who's too busy to have fun,
is working hard to become successful and no. 1
a product of pain who chose to become better like the sun
but i fail everydamnday, everydamnway
by expecting too much from my battered body, which isn't ohkay
i think too much, act too little
fracturing my feelings, my heart so brittle
it's not good to be this person that i am
breathing in order to make everything work a/c to my meticulous plan
but **** if i know what's right or wrong anymore
i am exhausted to my very core
the sad part is that i'm nowhere closer to what i want
and this doesn't let me sleep, every night this haunts
yet i lay in my bed, wasting away day after day
and i have no words left to say
i can't die but i ain't living either
i am pathetic, i know thats what you think reader
my past holds on to me so strongly that i play it on loop
the future makes me anxious, so in my eyes do i stoop
be the same old dumb ****** that i have always been
my potential dying before it could ever be seen
just crossing out dates on my phone's ******* calendar
wrong profession, wrong attitude, wrong is my ******* gender
if i were a guy would have i been better? would things at home been better? or am i just an ungrateful brat who is wasting away her life because she's too lazy to pick herself up or am i actually dumb and maybe i don't want to accept it and so i don't really work hard because this excuse has always worked for me that it's ohkay, if i would have worked for it, i would have gotten it but i suppose what i am is really scared of not getting what i want even after i give my best and the relationship well i don't know it's just that i feel like i am too **** desperate, as i have always been i hate it but i do nothing about it, i just keep on living in my imaginary world where in the coming years i am going to live out one of the fantasy novels story, it's disgusting
Feb 28 · 148
the way you look at me
Påłpëbŕå Feb 28
you look at me like you want me
but you never say a word, simply see
your eyes do a tour but never dip too low
very gentlemanly of you or is it just for show?
because i have heard your tales, your reputation precedes
the list of your conquests is what that impedes
me from obsessing over your veiny arms and full lips
making me crave your body, from toes to finger tips
because i know where your hands have been
who warmed your bed and how you left her cold
girl after girl has exited your door, i have seen
and yet, you think it's your face that i want to hold?
i might have episodes of self-destruction but i have more than two brain cells
i know that you aren't an angel who fell
you're a devil who seems to want a piece of me now
but letting a man take me for granted is something i can't allow
so what that your piercing gaze makes me wet
it's not a good enough reason for me to let
you touch me there where i ache for your expertise
i am self-sufficient to make myself relieved
but somedays it's a little difficult to get you out of my head
because it's your soul that i see instead
of a guy who simply wants to blow his load
but you're a risky bet that i can't afford
so stop looking at me like you want something from me
because honestly, i am pretty weak
i will succumb to my ***** demons soon
~you're a bane so why are you pretending to be my boon?
Feb 28 · 94
fuck me
Påłpëbŕå Feb 28
i know nothing of how the world works
checking my pockets, i've zero *****
how did a soul so pure get tarnished?
how did my heart so loyal get banished?
what did i do, huh?
where did i go wrong?
this suffering i thought was ending
but inside me it still prolongs
and wander i door to door in search of peace
broken body, my trust torn from piece to piece
yet nobody answers with honesty and i unleash my monstrosity
or so do i think because in a blink
i tune out my demon's voice
eliminating the bad choice
and get ready to be walked all over again
a glutton for punishment and pain
Feb 23 · 114
aresandaphrodite
Påłpëbŕå Feb 23
you're everywhere i go,
your presence does flow
why is it that it's your face i see
wide awake or in my dreams?
your hair so distinct, i want to feel them
your eyes so piercing, i want to touch them
how you look at me is what makes my heart stop
how bizzare is this that your voice makes everything else crop
you become the centre of my attention, my universe
and thinking of things i wish to do to you makes me perverse
but our timing has never been right
against our situations we can't fight
so all we do is stare at each other's soul
because being with each other will take a toll
on my already beautifully bruised heart
oh baby, we've been cursed from the very start
i never understood why did they happen
Påłpëbŕå Feb 21
i looked at him because he was my solace
my sanity in this world of chaos and craze
he wiped my tears and made me laugh
fixing people was his favourite craft
a broken doll did he choose to repair
helped her collect her pieces with care
he healed her slowly, layer by layer
and she longed for him, her heart so fragile
that today it's his ghost for which she smiles
if love had to end then why did it begin
how can losing somebody be a win
because now her demons have left but so has he
she wishes to go back in time and broken forever be
because she believes that she cursed him with her presence
and with this thought she's living her days in repentance
Jan 14 · 123
to be or not to be
Påłpëbŕå Jan 14
i wish to remove this piece of clothing and show off my skin
unblemished yet scarred i lay in my bed wanting to commit sin
the temptation to **** my morals off and become an ******* is so strong
that i wish to be bad and feel good when i do something wrong
i am tired of being this version of myself- weak, virtuous, wise, vulnerable
that in my years of living fairy tales i am making ******' folks and fables
guys out there have never really looked at me
in me they find nothing good enough to see
a grandma wrapped in loose clothes and a tight bun
is so **** dull to touch or have a substantial amout of fun
i have a gift of pushing people away and putting them off
always ******' smiling or crying in corners, i am a laughing stock
i can be the hottest and sexiest woman in my head
but in reality i am ******' lame to my bones, that said-
i can neither become a nerd properly nor live recklessly,
this is chaining my soul to a place i don't belong, honestly
at this point i don't even know what do i need
stuffing my face with bulshit, these pretty little lies do i feed
the road i take takes me to places i don't fit in
and this happens because i ain't comfortable in my own skin
all these years, i wonder where has my confidence been
longing for someone to match my wavelength, my flames' twin
i have wasted my breaths on things that don't matter
in the silence of my suffering i have become immune to chatter
so speak i out about my problem and affairs
thinking that they who listen honestly do care
maybe they do and maybe they don't give two *****
about me aiming for stars or my self-esteem taking hits
why can't i be a private person and stay shut?
to live, why do i need the pain of a bleeding cut
why am i not normal but being normal is not what i want
this confusion, dichotomy and paradox is what haunts
*"to be or not to be"...................................
or be blind and pretend to nerve see
Dec 2023 · 123
past present future tense
Påłpëbŕå Dec 2023
dreaming of a future i still sleep in the past
no thoughts of the present shall ever last
because in my masochism all i deeply crave
is to build my house on a ******' grave
i miss who i was and yet don't want to be her
why isn't life ever clear but a burdening blur
everything i believed in no longer exists
changes too bold, is what life insists
but i ain't ready to move forward yet
or am i? but still do i fearfully fret
how did i talk to strangers for hours?
listening to their tales of scars and stars
i am back to that time when pressed i
hearts on people's stories for no reason why
but don't know if i want to be that person again
desperate for affection and easy prey to pain
i have a beautiful human around me
who sees me and still loves me infinitely
yet i feel this way and it is beyond my comprehension
-what is future if not the past's present extension?
Påłpëbŕå Dec 2023
stood i in a corner away from you
trying to keep my distant view
of the finest specimen had i ever seen
never in such proximity had i been
for you were my nemesis, sworn in blood
yet the very sight of you turned me into a dud
because my brain cells shortcircuited
making me look at you on their own accord
and every moment our eyes connected, i regretted
because that made you someone i allured
so with every contact between our eyes
filled i myself with even more despise
because your mere presence derailed me
pushed me off my balanced sadly
and all that was left of silly me
was a puddle of shame and lost integrity
i didn't know that a simple stare would be enough
to put these inappropriate images of us
in the head that once plotted your demise
how did i get here, is a ******' surprise
so should i let this attraction make me do stuff
that'd be irreversible and testing my luck that's tough
maybe ******* you out of my system will let me be
my old self that hated you on the highest degree
or control these impulses and more
since with time, i will go back to before
why suddenly it's my wild blood pumping vigorously
begging to be tamed by your touch oh not so gently?
Nov 2023 · 190
expectation vs reality
Påłpëbŕå Nov 2023
when i imagined experienced guys
it always meant in the physical way
sharing body was ohkay, i don't know why
but emotional connection, i can't say
i could take it if he'd put the same hands, the same lips
on someone else's neck, chest, legs and hips
but looking at her how he looks at me
isn't something i imagined freely
he has loved, kissed, made love, hooked up
in the choices for relationship goals, he ticks all of the above
he's even gotten his heart broken and cried for another girl
lost his temper and tons of abuses has he hurled
he's gone through everything that i'm feeling for the first time
so yes, i am the immature one taking responsibility for this crime
i wish he could be a little more possessive
say stuff sober and be more expressive
but that would be greedy of me, right?
for these trivial matters i shouldn't pick up fights
yet feel i lonely on days like today when
nothing really big did happen
he's a great boyfriend, just very real and not rare
but that doesn't give me a reason to not care
for everything he does for me and more
i should be grateful for all this from the core
and to be honest, i am because i am a problem child
chaotic and messy, too stubborn and willfully wild
he tames my urges and makes me see sense
with him i wish to attain perfection without pretense
but at the end of the day when i lie down on my bed
this calmness travelling through my head
wonder i will this be enough? his sanity to my madness
he's safe, selectively thrilling but doesn't make my blood pump in wilderness
Nov 2023 · 152
a piece of cake
Påłpëbŕå Nov 2023
oh dear heart, your nerves did he hit
with those abs on display, did it feign a fit?
for my braincells couldn't stop me
from looking at this gorgeous-gorgeous being
with hair that curl in my hands
and eyes that travel upto foreign lands,
for when you look at me
i turn a little breathy,
you **** all the sense right out my body
doing this to girls, isn't this your hobby?
i have heard stories of your sexcapades
a "God" in bed, you think you're an ace of spades
so even if i desire you, your hands, your lips, your tongue
in your ocean of wilderness, i shall never plunge
because i ain't like one of your ****** or groupies
i have a ****** backbone, which i know, that you fancy
so i won't be another notch up your bedpost,
another one of your score that you'd like to boast
i am more, i am better and shall never fall for a bad boy
i have too much life to ever become your ******* toy,
but i can't help this stupid beating *****
that makes me think of you quite often
of all the things that i shouldn't do
-it's your name in CAPS, it's always you
for i have had one taste
even though it was chaste,
and now?
i can't stop myself from calling you tonight
because you're a piece of cake and i'd like a bite
your hotness gives me a fever
your coldness gives me a rush
your sweetness gives me diabetes
but it's your heart covered behind all those hard exterior layers that gives me hope
Oct 2023 · 211
active/passive
Påłpëbŕå Oct 2023
i don't HATE anyone ACTIVELY
but there's also
no PASSIVE LOVE left in me
either
indifference is nirvana
Oct 2023 · 158
meh
Påłpëbŕå Oct 2023
meh
after reading thousands of pages dipped in love
words formed from bleeding ink yet it isn't enough
for me to formulate something of my own
all these fearsome feelings i wish to set in stone
the rise in my pulse on seeing him, the smile that touches my lips
the way he looks at me from far, his hand in mine- grazing my fingers tips
i wish i could tell you how this is making my mind churn
the want i feel for him and how this desire makes me burn
but i belive the hopeless romantic in me took it's last breath
and i killed it while it laid on it's death bed
so i stay with it's memories and corpse
suffering day and night with my writer's block
nothing inspires me anymore
maybe filling in the blanks satisfies the core?
so i believe that the best poems spring from the worst heartbreaks
beacuse being in love isn't what that makes
me pick my pen up and write my heart down
to make my poetry the talk of the town!
Oct 2023 · 147
m.o.n.otonous
Påłpëbŕå Oct 2023
everything hurts, from my heart to my head
for all these years the lies that i had been fed
are now showing their true colour of shades
blue to black with dust of gray in spades
i feel like a ***** in the oxymoron that this life is
where temporary pleasures feel like a permanent bliss
i am scared to my death as i exhale fear with every breath
because all that i knew was a mirage in this desolate desert
and now my personalities react after being **** inert
i want one thing but need the other
i think one thing but do the other
there's chaos running through my veins
unstable are my senses and mad is my brain
anxious is what i am all day long
and so all this forever feels wrong
i have done something i wasn't supposed to
and the what if scenario has now come true
i have let down people and disappointed their hopes
the very thought of betraying them doesn't help me cope
i wish i could turn back time do things right
but wonder i what would be my insight?
if allowed to go back would i change a thing?
or would i choose the same ****** song to sing???
Sep 2023 · 160
metamorphosis
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2023
it's funny how once could i write
long long paragraphs about a feeling
with nothing just loneliness in site
could i think about falling and healing
but now nothing great comes to my head
just these plain old lines whisper
leaving me desolate and doubtful instead
my pen full of ink and papers being crisper
yet struggle i to put two words in a sentence
everyone and everything is more or less a pretence
was i born to be this person that i am today?
was there this much potential in me all the way?
then why as a child did i dare to dream big,
wanting to grow a fruitful tree from a twig
yet my life's been an unending autumn
floating now, i remember rock bottom
because when i had nothing i had all my words,
and this moment when i ain't empty, inside me breathe two worlds-
one is about contentment and satisfaction
but the other, puts me in this torturous traction
to do more, be more and become more
if nothing special, but better than before
and all day i live in this conflict
two ends tugging at me, the pain they inflict
i don't know what this ******* process is,
merely morning stress or a **** metamorphosis?
Sep 2023 · 145
a yelp for help
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2023
often wonder i how would it feel
when my cut open wrists would bleed
saving me from taking the next breath,
i happily choose the easiest of death!
because living is a chore i cannot do
everything's black, devoid of a hue!

yet a part of me wishes to be found
hearing me out when i suffer without a sound

helping me come back from this dark deep hole
and make me acquainted with my spirited soul

for i know there's a part of me that wants to survive
a beating heart and bruised body still wanting to thrive

a little push to pull me from the edge
a shoulder to lean on is all i fetch

somebody, anybody to shake some sane sense into me
when the noose around my neck constricts tightly

i wish i could just speak whatever is bottled within
and maybe that could save me from committing this sin

but who? how? when? and what? could help this failing will
a person, a parent, a sign or a shrink would help me before i ****?
or is there one another being who'll be there?
-the one standing behind the mirror with a sanguine stare
Sep 2023 · 149
sol V
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2023
i always thought that i'd be the light of your life
like all other fairy tales i'd end up as your wife
but neither do i glow and nor do i show
the traits of being a soft-spoken docile woman
that would be best suited for you, my fav human
i am deranged and dark waiting for a spark
to light me up from within and more
and make me happy to the core
i am like earth in this system of yours
pining over you for so long because
i like the idea of having your sole attention on me
being the centre of your universe maybe
but that's an unhealthy obssession say i
and like the moth, i'm chasing a new high
only that i've hated loving you all along
manifesting by your side i belong
but we couldn't be any different know i this
and that's why i can't even imagine our kiss
because you're too sacred for a demon per say
and i understand your distance anyway, always
yet you're my unwanted muse that i can't not write about
even though i wish to stop and silently shout
it's frustrating to write and yet never be acknowledged
but maybe this anonymity makes me feel privileged
as i write these sentences for you to read
without you actually paying much heed
that you inspire a deep devilish part in me
and become the muse of my petty poetry
i hope this is the last one
i don't understand why i am writing this, but i can't stop myself

to the muse who lives in ignorance
Aug 2023 · 142
sol III
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2023
you want me to write for you
bleed away my soul impromptu
be your slave and serve you well
give up myself to dwell in your hell
do you want me?
or is it my attention that you crave
i know you love to see
my dead heart twisting in its grave
for you want me to be obsessed like the earth
who gives herself up for all it's worth
it wakes up and sleeps, smiles and weeps
in the hopes of a destined promise to keep
for all i want is for you to acknowledge my existence
and maybe only then will i give up on my persistence
but who am i fooling
your mere name has me drooling
in daydreams and in nightmarish screams
it's your name to which my heart beats
it's your name on my lips that i repeat

i admire you from a safe distance not because i am afraid of getting burned
a monster like me isn't worth your time
is something the hard way i learned
WhatsUp Brain?
why would you take me there, eh?
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2023
and when there's silence inside your head
you choose to be at peace instead
because all your words that remain unsaid
are meant to be unheard instead
Aug 2023 · 86
no words
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2023
it's funny how now when i pick my pen up
only for it to drain no drop of ink
not letting all this chaos out of the envelope
is now taking away my ability to think
for all these words stay jumbled in my head
creating pictures of unreal imagination
of daydreams and those moments i bled
i wish to write down this clotting confusion
yet fail i to form simple sentences
filling my bones with apprehensive
and all the while my anxiety eats me alive
i wonder without poetry how shall i survive
because without this i am fully empty
like a starving soul amongst the plenty

thoughts thought everywhere
but not a single word to write,
oh dear reader i feel i don't have long-
what a pity it is to have my plight?
Jul 2023 · 164
sol II
Påłpëbŕå Jul 2023
i had this dream last night
you and me and a long bus ride
huddled together in a seat for 2
leaving behind our town's view
we talked for a while
and passed a few smiles
only to let the silence embrace us
keeping away from topics of trust

but i could feel your mind churning
and deep down hoped for a desire burning
for something that i'd craved for far too long
knowing ****** well that it was wrong

and then dozed off me
into yet another fantasy
of a reality pretty far from mine
with our hands intertwined
and our faces mere inches apart
and booooom, i woke up with a start
only too see that your hand had moved
and was now gently touching my fingers
with looks that weren't appropriate to linger

i was hyperventilating, wasn't i?
my face up in ashes like the sunset sky
and your gaze pierced my soul
as if i were a diamond amongst the coal
you whispered my name and said-
"i wish we'd taken my car instead.......
and Oh My God i convulsed there and then,
wondering how did this ever happen?

because even in my dreams know i this
that i am not a part of you that you miss
to your calmness i am chaotic and careless
to your perfection i shall remain a mess
and you will soar high and shall always rise
whereas i will be a broken little girl who cries

because you're the sun that shines too bright
and i am a moth drawn to your darkest light
to the muse who shall never know that i wrote this for him
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