Chameleon: Poems

4d · 26

Chameleon 4d

I lay in bed on my side
frozen in place.
Eyes wide open,
no blinking.
Quick shallow quiet
breaths,
hoping that if I’m small
enough and I don’t move
I will be safe.

Trauma

Jun 27 · 53

Every day

Chameleon Jun 27

Every day

I wake up at 5:20
after snoozing the alarm
and the lamp clicks on.
I grab a Redbull from the fridge
and get dressed.
Do my hair,
brush my teeth,
feed the cat.
I get to work early enough
to sit in my car for abit
and then clock in.
I build all of my units
and then go home in the
sweltering heat.
Take a shower,
check on Cat.
Make dinner and watch
my favorite podcast.
Then for dessert I take
3 of my anxiety/sleep meds
and wait for them to
do their job,
so I don’t feel this heart break
and instead go to sleep.

Jun 24 · 208

Joan

Chameleon Jun 24

Joan

Joan Baez’s music is
the only thing that’s
been making me feel better.
I think it’s because
she isn’t connected to
anyone or any time
in my life.
Until now.
So every song feels
like a new beginning.
And yet
it feels familiar
like a hot summer evening
in June,
when it seems like
the sun will never set.

Jun 24 · 46

Turn around

Chameleon Jun 24

Turn around

I went out to my car
and pulled out of the
driveway,
my heart beating fast,
usual sick feeling in my stomach.
I needed to see him.
I imagined me pulling up
and knocking on the door.
He opens it and without a
word picks me up
in a hug.
We both say we’re so sorry
and this was so stupid
and we make love on the sofa
and we can’t stop kissing goodbye
when he leaves for work.

But I turned around.

Because that isn’t how it would go.
He doesn’t forgive me.
He doesn’t want to.
So I turned around.

Jun 24 · 52

Unlocked

Chameleon Jun 24

Unlocked

I left the door unlocked
as if he might walk
through it,
tell me he’s sorry
and that this whole
fight was stupid.
Kiss me,
hug me,
tell me he loves me.

But he’s never been to my house.
That’s part of why I am here
and he isn’t.

Jun 19 · 59

Back yard

Chameleon Jun 19

Back yard

There’s really nothing like
the passing of time.
Everything is gone.

There used to be a tree that a pitbull played around. Never giving up on getting her teeth on that tire.

Jun 19 · 55

Only

Chameleon Jun 19

Only

Only cool girls
cry on the floor
while listening to
Joan Baez half drunk
and getting high
anyway.

Jun 19 · 42

Dog

Chameleon Jun 19

Dog

The last few nights I’ve had dreams
about a little black and white dog
that almost looks like a stuffed animal
it’s so cute and small.
Holding its little warm body
in my arms filled me with so much
happiness.
It left me feeling empty when I woke up.

Jun 19 · 45

Rainbow

Chameleon Jun 19

Rainbow

Growing up
our dad was always
very excited to
see a rainbow.
It was almost mandatory
that you come
outside and oo
and ah at the glory
of nature.

This afternoon we
had a summer storm
that brought wind
and lots of rain.
But to my surprise
the sun came out.
So I got out of bed
and walked out the front
door and sure enough
one was forming almost
like a painting behind
the windmill.
I was excited,
I knew from the angle
of the sun that this one
was going to really shine.
I knew my dad
would be proud as I
moved around the porch
trying to get a
good photo.

It felt like a show at
the end of the day;
watching it form,
show off,
and then fade into
the air.

Jun 18 · 146

Sick

Chameleon Jun 18

Sick

Being alive is
making me
nauseous

Jun 16 · 55

Bad

Chameleon Jun 16

Bad

I’ve been asking myself
all weekend
if I’m a bad person,
and I think the answer
is yes.

Jun 10 · 52

I can’t change

Chameleon Jun 10

I can’t change

I peeked around the corner
to see if the bartender
was there and we made
eye contact so I
blurted out,
I’ll have another.

I probably shouldn’t
have another
because it’s 6:30 pm
on a Tuesday
that went completely
wrong.

Now I have to decide
if being completely
alone
is better than
being “in love”
with someone who
doesn’t see me
in their future.

I keep thinking that
maybe I can change
my mindset.
Be okay with a weekend
boyfriend,
just a guy that I care
about but not that much.
But I keep proving
to myself that
I can’t change.

I want someone
who wants me there.

Jun 7 · 350

Not enough room

Chameleon Jun 7

Not enough room

He made it clear
that he intends to
set down roots
in a place that
is barely enough
for one,
let alone two.
I noticed he avoided words
like “we” when talking
about the future
and I realized that I
still don’t fit in.

May 31 · 59

Love

Chameleon May 31

Love

I feel everything
intensely
so right now
my heart aches
but I have butterflies.
I can’t stop
thinking about his
big blue eyes and the way his
body feels against mine.
He even smells like safety.
We just spent the night
all over each other
but I’m seeing him again later.
We’ve only grown closer
and stronger over the
last year,
and definitely so in love.

May 29 · 226

Blink

Chameleon May 29

Blink

Pretend to be
clueless and bat those
blues,
meanwhile he’s
practically panting.

May 26 · 108

Sneaky

Chameleon May 26

Sneaky

Hey girl
Keep it secret.
Keep it put away
underneath the dish towels
in the bathroom,
On the the shelf.

Shh quiet.
Okay.
Go ahead

May 26 · 89

good advice (?)

Chameleon May 26

good advice (?)

I remember my dad
told me that if I’m
going to drink and drive
I should throw
the empty out the window.

It’s the only time he’s okay
with littering.

May 26 · 105

Park

Chameleon May 26

Park

I keep thinking about
how I wasn’t planning on
being here,
right now.
And I’m kind of annoyed
that I am because
I am still in pain.
So I’m sitting in my car
at the park,
looking up out of
the sun roof into the
leaves that become
bright green when the sun
hits them.

It is a beautiful day.
The first day of Summer.

May 26 · 329

Close

Chameleon May 26

Close

They were spread out
in front of me
as I tried counting them
in twos.
I had already googled
what might happen,
but the results varied.
I swiped a few or more
off the counter
and took them quickly;

and then he called.

The rest of them are now
back in the bottle.

May 25 · 56

Careful

Chameleon May 25

Careful

Some wounds
never fully heal;
they just get
bandaged really well.
But it could start
bleeding again
if you aren’t careful.

May 21 · 58

Boyfriend

Chameleon May 21

Boyfriend

I have a man who
has never raised his voice
or insulted me once.
We don’t argue,
we disagree
and we always
both apologize.
He called me a goddess
once when I sent him
a naked photo,
and I didn’t feel
**** before.
He is gentle with
animals and kids
and me.
Our date nights
consist of lots of ****,
the Chinese buffet
and ***.
I am an early bird
and he is a night owl.
I am the storm, and
he is the rainbow
afterward.

I don’t know what
I’m doing
and neither does he
but I sure hope he wants
to keep doing it
with me.

May 20 · 72

Bedroom

Chameleon May 20

Bedroom

I’m not sure if he
knows this,
and maybe I should
tell him
just in case,
but I am not going
anywhere.
He is the kind of man
women write about
in the bedroom.

May 18 · 72

Don’t even bother

Chameleon May 18

Don’t even bother

Men who have had kids
and/or been married
should come with a
warning label

May 6 · 338

Dogs

Chameleon May 6

Dogs

Thank God for dogs.
They are always happy to see you,
and happy to give
and get love.

May 6 · 79

River

Chameleon May 6

River

I want to cry
an actual river.
One that creates an
eco system
and attracts wild life
and nature lovers.
Make it just quick
and deep enough that
people can paddle down it
without too much strain.
They could call
it weeping willow river
and tell the fable
of the girl it’s based on.

One day,
a very sad woman
came here and
she sat so long and
cried so much
that she created a river
of tears.
No one really knows
what caused that kind
of pain,
and I don’t think
she did either.

May 4 · 128

Rain or shine

Chameleon May 4

Rain or shine

I don’t want to be
a rain cloud,
I want to be the sunshine.

May 2 · 140

Volcano

Chameleon May 2

Volcano

I could feel the
volcano bubbling,
waiting to erupt.
I tried to throw
cold water on it,
even a fire extinguisher
but it did nothing.
The lava came exploding out
covering every thing
in its path.
But mostly, him.

Apr 28 · 71

30

Chameleon Apr 28

30

I decided I wanted
to spend it like
I would any other Sunday.
Go get a coffee but
this time it’s free.
Go home and
do my little house chores,
dishes
fold laundry.
Then listen to a
YouTube video
while I make spaghetti;
big door open to the
screen door
allowing in the fresh
spring air.
I went back to my
boyfriend’s later
and we got high
off my birthday ****
and then I went to bed early.
I have work tomorrow,
and my life to live
and I’d like to start this decade
out right this time.

Apr 24 · 85

Writing

Chameleon Apr 24

Writing

I imagine publishing
these little poems
that I write
in my kitchen,
and my car and the work
bathroom.
Or anywhere it hits.
What would people
think of the author?
Would some girl
in 20 years,
find my book in the
back of her high school library
and relate so deeply
that she also begins writing.
Or is all of this just drool
from a depressed person,
no more than an open journal.

Apr 22 · 93

Shut up

Chameleon Apr 22

Shut up

I suddenly felt like
I needed to scream
or explode or
both.
I was hunched over
trying to coax a teeny tiny
***** into place,
listening to the two women
I work with be
scandalized by some girl
doing Onlyfans.
What a *****!? What does her man think?

Ugh YUCK SHUT UP
I wanted to burst.
Instead I hurried up
to finish this menial job.
I am surrounded by
boring people who
talk about boring ****
all day.
It is killing my soul.

Apr 10 · 84

Free

Chameleon Apr 10

Free

When women with kids
ask me about not wanting
to have some of my own,
I respond with an answer
that’s something like,
I enjoy my freedom.
But what I really mean
is on Thursday after a tough
shift I was able to
have enough drinks
to make me feel like
life is worth living again;
while listening to
90s pop on full blast
in the house in which
I live alone.
And there is no one
to tell me I shouldn’t.

Apr 10 · 75

Warmer weather

Chameleon Apr 10

Warmer weather

I wanna go driving
through the country side
as the sun goes down,
blasting 90s country hits
on Spotify
singing along to every song.
Then wind up at my favorite
bar and order a miller lite draft
and two shots of fireball.
Have a good conversation
with a bar fly and then
see where the liquor takes me.

The other day I was asked
why I don’t want kids
and I replied,
Freedom.
The scenario I want to happen,
absolutely could if I really wanted
because, I have freedom.
I turn 30 in about two weeks
and I have grown to like
my lifestyle
and I don’t want anything
to interrupt that.

I would rather get drunk
in my kitchen on a Thursday
then chase after a baby
and do bath time.

Apr 4 · 248

Wild

Chameleon Apr 4

Wild

Sometimes I hear
the call of the wild
floating across
a warm day.
Or a foggy Friday
evening that would
be just perfect for
getting into trouble.
Pay day meant party time.
But even if I wanted
to go snooping around
there is nowhere left to go.
No one left to call to the bars.
No snow in August.

Mar 27 · 174

Waves

Chameleon Mar 27

Waves

No matter what
That boy
from Minnesota says
about me,
I showed him the song
Waves ft Kacey Musgraves.

Mar 18 · 82

Talking

Chameleon Mar 18

Talking

Even when he’s
asleep he will
put his arm around
me and hold
on tight
and mumble
how pretty I am
or something
a little more private.
He is very good
with words
in moments
that I am not.

Mar 16 · 97

You too

Chameleon Mar 16

You too

He hugged me and
kissed my cheek
and said,
I like you.
I put my arms
around his neck
and said,
Well I love you.
I heard him laugh
and he said,
I’m just bad at saying it
but I love you too.

Mar 14 · 147

Love

Chameleon Mar 14

Love

All I know is
I love him,
and he loves me
and now that it’s
been said
I feel free.

Mar 11 · 167

That would be great

Chameleon Mar 11

That would be great

I had an epiphany
just now…
What if I did nothing
and don’t feel bad
about it?

Mar 9 · 113

March

Chameleon Mar 9

March

I sat in my car
by the small lake and
observed how the
shadows of trees
stretched out along
the grass.
It’s been months
since the sun has
shined like this,
a preview of spring.
I have impatiently waited
for warmer days,
and the sparkle of
the moving current.
Even on a low day,
watching a goose spin
itself around in the water
to get clean, helps.

Mar 7 · 129

Good morning

Chameleon Mar 7

Good morning

He said that he
rolls over to my side
of the bed
after I get up in
the morning,
because it’s warm
and the pillow still smells
like me.

Feb 15 · 168

Heart day

Chameleon Feb 15

Heart day

Pink and red
and a mix of the two;
long stemmed
and cut
set neatly in the vase.
I already picked
two of the petals
that had fallen
and placed them in between
the pages of a book
to keep.
I got flowers for Valentines Day
for the first time
as an adult
and it feels really good.

Feb 14 · 111

Lie

Chameleon Feb 14

Lie

I not so secretly
think that most people
I’ve met,
but especially the ones
I’m close to are
planning to hurt me.
These thoughts slip
into my brain
where I’ve read
deep between the lines
of a text and suddenly
he meant to send that
to the other girl
and he’s only saying
he’s sick to get out of seeing me
so he can see her for Valentines Day.

I have to remind
myself that it’s a lie,
say stop stop stop.
And try to forget
this fake scenario that
feels so real.

I swear I’m totally normal

Feb 11 · 178

Lonely

Chameleon Feb 11

Lonely

I’ll go home
and build a fire,
put on the podcast
that feels like having friends
and go to sleep.

Feb 11 · 88

Gratitude

Chameleon Feb 11

Gratitude

I hate being so
negative,
especially when there
are so many good things
in my life
and so many more
to come.
My brain is my
biggest bully
and obstacle.

I passed up on
a gratitude journal
at the Goodwill the other day
but now I’m
thinking I should’ve
purchased it instead of
putting it back on the shelf.

I have a boyfriend that cares
about me,
is beyond patient
and kind.
I have a family that
is there every time
I fail, and that’s happened
a lot.
I am about to have a
fresh start with the
opportunity to
make more money
and take care of my health.
My bills are paid,
my house is stacked with
fire wood.
I am relatively healthy
physically,
and moderately attractive.
And spring is coming.
The sun and the birds
and green grass
will remind me that
life isn’t so bad.

Feb 8 · 267

there’s more to it

Chameleon Feb 8

there’s more to it

That’s the thing
with most men.
They’re takers,
not givers.

Jan 28 · 94

Artist

Chameleon Jan 28

Artist

I am dating someone
who draws me when
I’m not there,
and looks at the photos
I’ve sent him
in private.
He pays me back
every time I buy something
and writes a cute
note in Venmo,
and asks me to stop
by before work just so
he can kiss me.
He is romantic in
ways that I am not,
but I am grateful.

Jan 26 · 89

Lunch

Chameleon Jan 26

Lunch

I spent my
grocery money
for the week at
the dispensary.

After I picked up my order
I took myself out to lunch
at the Mexican restaurant
my ex and I used to frequent
almost daily.
We’d spend too much
on shots of tequila and
beer and tip
really well.
The greeter said,
Hi amiga! How have you been?
It’s been awhile!
I smiled and told him
I moved out of town.
I got my usual,
beautiful Al pastor tacos
and a Dos Equis with lime.
I ate and drank slowly
listening to the families
chat around me.
Then my beer was almost empty
and I was feeling good,
so I knew it was time to go.

Jan 21 · 94

Blood

Chameleon Jan 21

Blood

Years of work mending
all for nothing
because I am bleeding again.

Jan 21 · 136

Foggy

Chameleon Jan 21

Foggy

Something changed
yesterday.
I don’t see the bridge
anymore.
It’s covered under a
thick and unwavering
fog.
I know it’s still there
somewhere.
Hidden beneath
hurtful words and
tears.
They say the weather
can change at any moment
so maybe I’ll just
keep standing here.

Jan 20 · 225

Ten

Chameleon Jan 20

Ten

I can’t scream
much louder.
My cries and pleas
have gone unanswered.
Ten months have gone by,
we are back to the season
in which we met
but we aren’t like
we were back then.
I am in love
and he is indifferent.