I can’t escape it.
It follows me around
every corner,
down every alley.
I just want to turn
to him,
but he isn’t there.
Turns out loneliness
is the only thing
that will never leave me.

I want him to say
something.
I want to say
something.
But I don’t and neither does he.
Even though it
eats at me I decide
it’s probably best
to just be quiet today.
To not send another message.
I get angry at him
when I put some of
my emotions on a platter
and he doesn’t reciprocate.
It makes me embarrassed
and ashamed to
let any feelings out.
I don’t know when I
started to be like that,
and I know it’s
not healthy
but I don’t know
how to fix it.
I worry all the time that
he’s going to grow tired
of my inability to
speak when it’s
most needed.

I know I’m not easy
to deal with,
I know it might be
difficult to know
what to say,
or do.
But he knows.
He said,
I’m your boyfriend,
you can always talk to me.
Then he complimented
me from the
other night,
unable to stop thinking
about it, just like
how I’ve been getting
lost in day dreams lately.

I had a dream that
he finally said
I love you,
and even outside of
reality I hesitated before
I said it back.

I am that girl you see
sitting alone at the bar
on a Friday night.
I have no husband,
or man who cares for me.
No kids.
I just exist as the background
character or
side kick in everyone’s story.
I’m the girl
that gets called to come out
and party,
but never called to
come home.
I don’t have anyone to
turn to when my day
didn’t go very well,
or even if it was great.
I feel everything alone.

That’s why I’ve been
planning my escape.
Waiting impatiently
for a phone call
that says,
we want you!
Buy a plane ticket
there’s a bed and a
job waiting for you.

I would jump.

It’s dark when I wake up,
the sun is just starting
to peak over the trees.
It’s time to get back
on the stairs,
and make food at home.
Cozy up to the man
that keeps me warm
and catch up on
all the tv and movies
I’ve missed.
I will close off half
of my house
and relearn the fastest way
to build a fire.
A new season is
just beginning,
and I can only hope
the holidays actually
bring happiness this year.