Chameleon

Chameleon Jul 22

Be quiet

I was busy filling my head
with all the reasons he will
never love me,
just letting that voice
control how I feel
when his name popped
up on my phone
and he said,
Hi pretty girl
I missed you this morning.

I smiled and spun in my chair
and told him I missed him too.
And I told my brain to shut up.

Chameleon Jul 11

Solitude

I’m just laying in my bed,
waiting to go see my
boyfriend.

I don’t want to talk
Not today.
Sometimes I don’t like
having a cellphone.
I don’t want to able
to be reached at any point.
Just let me be

Chameleon Jul 10

All mine

I have a nice man.

He tells me he misses me
every day,
and apologizes when he
gets too busy at work
to respond.
He randomly tells me
I’m pretty and
kisses me on the forehead.
He almost knocks me off
the bed at night
because he wants to be
close to me
and he comforts me when
I’m sad or scared.
He lets me know how
he feels
and what he’s doing
and checks to make sure
I know he really likes me.
Being with him is like
being wrapped in a warm
blanket in a cozy bed.
He is a safe, soft place to land
and he’s all mine.

Chameleon Jun 29

It’s not the same

I know I can’t
control anything
except myself.
And I can barely even do that.
But
I don’t want to have to
negotiate terms and services
in order to get him
to want to hang out with me.
He and I used to relate
on the crippling loneliness
we feel.
And I thought we were going
to help get rid of that,
for each other.
But it went from twice a week
to once a week.
From him asking to see me
to me begging
to see him.

I don’t know what to do
anymore.
I will always be alone.

Chameleon Jun 18

Leave

I like it the most
when he walks me
to my car
but tells me he doesn’t
want me to leave.
When he kisses me
and then hits his
cigarette
and smiles.
I like when it feels
like we just started
talking and
as if he hasn’t
seen me naked.

I like leaving,
but only because
I know he will miss me.

Chameleon Jun 12

Die alone

I don’t know if I
believe that being in love
is for everyone.

I see people everywhere
dying to be with their
partner all the time,
calling and texting,
love songs speckled
throughout my
shuffled playlist,
and heart broken people
thinking they’ll never be okay
without that person.

But I don’t feel it.
Love, for any man anymore.
I feel my ego wanting
to be wanted,
and loneliness trying to
fill the void.

But I don’t trust that
head over heels type love
anymore.
It’s not real.
Nothing lasts forever,
and you learn that
whatever sadness you have
inside of you
is yours and yours alone
to take care of.

You really do die alone.

Chameleon Jun 11

Men

The men who
have been in my life
are messy.
Literally and metaphorically.
One drank too much,
has trouble with the law.
The other is bad with money
and he doesn’t
know how to clean.
They struggle with
bipolar, depression
and anxiety
and they looked to me for comfort
but offered little in return.
They aren’t bad guys,
and I see myself in their
flaws
but I can’t save them.
And I don’t want to.
They see something in
me, and I see the potential
they hold.
I think that’s why I invited
them in
but it’s my turn to be
taken care of.
I’ve spent my life helping
others, and putting myself last.
Are men capable of
really being a good partner?