I woke up today
asking God how this is fair.
What is wrong with me
that I still love him.
I still miss him every single second.
It’s been 42 days I should be
fully moved on,
talking to someone else.
Or at least just free.
But I am trapped inside
the last 6 years of our life.
I want these memories erased.
I want to forget.

If I could go back
5 years ago to
23 year old me I would tell her
to walk away.
To not speak to him.
No matter how badly I needed to.
I would miss out on all of the
love,
all of the love I gave to him
and all of the love he gave to me.

But it would be worth it.
Worth it to miss the pain he
caused,
worth it to never know what it
was like to love him.
It would be worth it to know
who I would have became
if he never entered my life
and flipped it upside down.
I might be married,
have a kid or two.

And most of all I wouldn’t have
this giant hole in my heart
that grew larger in size
each time he left me.
I wouldn’t be 29 years old,
single and completely
terrified of what’s out there.
Who is out there.

If I could go back I would
choose to have never met him.

Tik tok told me he viewed my
profile the other day.
There is nothing there except two
things I’ve reposted.
But I can’t stop wondering
why he looked at all.
I broke & viewed his profile
just now.
He’s going to see that I did.
I wish he wouldn’t.
I don’t know why I looked,
there’s nothing there either.
I guess I was just hoping
to get even a morsel of
information as to what is going
on in his life.
I can’t ask him and he’s not
saying.
We are just two strangers again,
no clue as to who the other is anymore.

It’s been 19 days since he left me.
I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep since.
I still cry when I’m alone
and stare at nothing when
I’m in my office at work.
The emptiness is getting worse.
Time isn’t healing me at all,
it’s making me panic.
I keep going back to the beach.
To that day at the ocean,
to that night cuddled up next to him.
To the plane ride there.
To that first apartment when
he would cook and we would talk
for hours.
I can’t remember a single
bad time even though there were a lot.
We had dinner with his grandma a few days
before my world collapsed
and she was planning for us to
come back to Florida soon.
Why did this happen.

I’m getting used to it,
but I am still not okay with it.
I still dream about him
and mostly they aren’t good.
Nightmares of him with
other girls, right in front of me
I’ve kinda decided this
year will be the year of no men.
I’ve never done that but also
I still don’t want to be with anyone
else. I never will.
No other man will ever
care about me as much as he did,
even if he is the thing that hurts me most.
No other man will ever
have that connection that we did,
like our souls are tied together
even if we can’t be together.
I’m still his girl.
Always will be.

Days feel like months,
so breaking down crying in the
kitchen while I make ramen
noodles
was not what I thought I’d
be doing.
I haven’t cried in over 24 hours.
I felt great yesterday.
I even took a few selfies
and posted them.
But now I am sick in bed,
literally and I can’t stop
thinking about him.
I don’t want to do this forever.
Like somewhere in the back of my head
I think there’s a finish line,
and we’ll come back together.
But there’s not this time.
This is it.
My best friend will become
someone else’s best friend and
he won’t think of me anymore.