I just realized I will be
spending New Year’s Eve
without him.
Going into the future
completely confused
and alone.
It’s not the first one we’ve spent
apart and it won’t be the last.
But this one feels different
because it’s coming only
a week after he left me again.
And again, for good this time
I think.
Even if he comes back I can no
longer trust him with my heart.
He is so reckless and selfish
with it, only wanting to
amend it when it’s convenient.
I will be starting the new year
without him
but I think it’s a good thing.

After a week of us being broken up
today was the first day that
we didn’t speak at all.
I want to text him,
say I miss him.
I want him to say it back.
But I haven’t forgotten
that he gave up on me.
We could have been together,
He just doesn’t want me.
It will never not sting
like I’ve been bitten by a wasp
when I think of him next
to someone else.
It will never not ****
a part of me that he didn’t choose me.
I know that someone who really
loves me would never give up,
would never leave me.
I know this but I wanted him to
be that someone.

It’s just not fair.
Why can’t I have the person I want
like all the other girls.
Why does my love
have to be complicated and
difficult.
All I ever wanted was for us to
live in a tiny house,
make dinner and be together.

I sit very still in bed
staring at the duvet.
Not really thinking,
just staring.
It’s like I am a piece of furniture
in this quiet house.
Time drips by as families
everywhere are celebrating.
I am grieving.