Chameleon

Chameleon Oct 2023

Do you

I don’t want to have to ask him
if he thinks I’m pretty.
I should just know it to be
true.

Chameleon Sep 2023

Isn’t it funny but not really
that I feel the same way I did
when we were together.
So unsure of how you see me,
and how you see the future.
If I’m even in it at all.
I know I’m just emotional,
But that doesn’t make this
feeling invalid.
I like to make everyone around me
believe that I am perfectly content
being alone and most days that’s true.
There is no longer anyone
to let me down or make me feel
less than, other than myself.
And I always say sorry.

If I wasn’t spending all my free time
believing his words I might have
a new man, a new life by now.
And truly part of me wants to try
for that because I’ve seen this movie
before and
I don’t like the ending.
And real life isn’t a movie,
I am getting older each day,
farther and farther away from
“My happy ending.”
Whatever that means.
Because love is grand and wonderful
but also a fairytale that humans
so desperately want to come true.
You can wish all day for a unicorn
but that won’t make one exist.

Today I am sad, but just deep down.
Which is where I prefer it to be.

Chameleon Jul 2023

lonely

It’s a little weird
that sometimes,
well most times;
I find it hard to go out and do
stuff with people
because I know it will
leave me feeling
lonely.
There is that rush
of feeling connected
and cared for.
Music and laughing.
Only for it to fall
away fast
when you come home and
no one is there.
No one to hug when you
walk in the door.
No one to tell your day to.
It’s like, shutting off a light.
Turning off the radio
and being in silence.
That part has never gotten easier.
As an introvert
I need the quiet to recharge,
but as a human I need
someone there just to be
there.

Chameleon Jul 2023

Like me

There is a bottle of perfume that he
bought me for Valentines Day.
It now sits on my dresser.
I haven’t wanted to wear it
since we broke up.

But tonight I reached for it
and sprayed it on my neck and arms.
Turns out it doesn’t smell like him
it smells like me.

Chameleon Jul 2023

Friday

Do you ever just feel when you’re
about to make a mistake?
I’m staring at my food beside the beer
the cute bartender served me
and I’d rather just hit my vape.
Beer #1 went down way too easy.
It’s a summer time Friday night
and none of my friends responded to
my text.
That’s cool.
So I hit up my ex.
We hangout and **** every once in awhile.
He said he’d be here in 45 minutes
So who knows what number I’ll be on then.
I feel like the people I want to like me most
hate me and I don’t know why.
Maybe that’s just how I feel though.
Or maybe it’s true and I’m a *******.
I am 28 & single in an area where that’s
really abnormal for someone my age.
I should have 2 kids & 2 marriages by now
but no one’s ever liked me enough to
get there.
Oh well.

Chameleon Jun 2023

Stuck

I’m so tired of taking care of myself.
I was never meant to be alone
in this world.
As a twin I was literally born
with someone else so even before I
was here I wasn’t alone.
And now I’m 28 and single
back living with my parents
and I have no idea what I’m doing.
I want to crumple, fold, quit.
I want to cry on the couch while
someone that loves me makes dinner
and tells me it’ll be okay.
I want someone else to find the answer
and tell me I’m good, smart and beautiful.
The loneliness is so deep inside of me,
a pit that I’ve fallen into and can’t climb out.
When the one you love more than anything
leaves you on a random Saturday night
I don’t think you ever recover.
That feeling of abandonment sticks
like glue.
Permanently.

Chameleon Jun 2023

That old feeling

The worst part about being lonely
isn’t the pit in my stomach,
or the way I can disassociate for hours.
It’s the fact that I know he is the only
cure.
And I could probably pick
up my phone right now
and call him,
ask him to save me from this feeling
and he probably would.
But just for tonight.
Tomorrow I will be lonely again.