Chameleon

Chameleon Jun 2021

Forever

I’m going to get to see him again.
It’s not for certain.. but I’m certain.
I have been dreaming about the moment he
is standing in front of me for
over a year.
How will I react?
I wonder if I’ll cry, or feel nervous
or will it be like going home.
The moment I get to touch him,
and prove that he is still real
is a moment I would wait for forever.

Chameleon Jun 2021

It hurts

I hate this feeling.
It’s the same one I would get when I was
coming down from a ******* binge.
A desperate, painful need for something.
For more.
Eyes wide open, heart racing,
my thoughts flying by too fast to
even remember any of them.
I can’t sleep.
And I’m not high.
I’m just empty.

Chameleon Jun 2021

I shouldn’t have quit therapy

I don’t know why I don’t feel anything.
I did for about two days and then that
ooey gooey butterfly flew away.
I tried listening to that country song,
the one about the blue eyed problem,
the one that had me holding back tears
as he sang along in the car.
How can I be so hot and cold.
There’s something wrong with me.
Am I really that damaged
or will I just love the person that damaged me
forever?

Chameleon Jun 2021

Sleep with me

I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone
that I can no longer share a bed with someone else.
Even though I lay in the dark
overloaded with anxiety and all I need
is a body to hold onto,
pet my hair and say it’s okay.
I want to make room,
I want to sleep better.
I want to open up to the possibilities of
feeling more.
But I only have a full size mattress.

Chameleon May 2021

Baby blues

I have big blue eyes that
can capture attention.
When I’m wearing a mask they’re really all
anyone can see
and for some reason they make a statement.
They’re kind and make people feel safe
talking to me.
They’re my best feature.
My blessing I guess.
I know by just a glance if a man is
going to find a way to talk me.
Each one I’ve laid next to at night
has told me they can’t stop looking.
My eyes say so much that most of the time
I don’t have to say anything at all.

Chameleon May 2021

To him

I do miss the quiet smile you wore
when you looked at me.
I know you see me in a way that I can’t.

Chameleon May 2021

Unhappy

I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.