I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.

I think what you end up missing
the most when you don’t have a partner
are all the lost little moments that
make life special.
That feeling in the middle of the night
when you wake from a bad dream,
or anxiety won’t let you sleep
so you reach for your person.
Snuggle into their arms and you can
feel your whole body relax.
Safety.

I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.

I would do anything to go back.
Anything to go back to my apartment
on the second floor where we lived happily
ever after together.
Sunday morning cuddles,
binging Game of Thrones,
sitting on the counter watching you cook.
Putting the tent up in our living room
pretending to watch Alice in wonderland
under the stars.
I would give up my future and any joy
I may feel to go back to when you loved me.