He said,
“I keep picturing you looking at yourself
in the mirror and hating everything you see.”

Maybe he knows me better than I thought.
Because when I do catch a glimpse of myself
I don’t like that girl.
Her eyes are too deep, too sad.

I have so much love to give,
and I give it to him everyday.
But he doesn't accept it or give it back.
I still try though.
I wrote him a poem and sent it to him,
just inside stuff that explains how much I miss him.
I don't expect him to even address it and
that's okay.
Because I have so much love to give
and I will keep giving it because I don't know
how not to.

The pair to my peach.
I can’t be one without two.
This cute fantasy world doesn’t
exist without you.
I can barely hear the foxes mreeping,
they don’t speak much anymore.
The orchard has been left unattended,
peaches left to rot on the ground.
I didn’t know it was there
until you showed me.
But I am not enough to keep it alive

You make me feel so ******.
I don't know why I deal with it.
There is something wrong with me that I
keep doing this painful dance with you.
Lately you've been even farther away than you
already are in Florida.
It feels like lying, sneaking, and ghosting.
But I cant understand why.
Honesty is all we have in a relationship that
doesn't even involve seeing each other but...
I don't think honesty has been here for a long time.
I see you drifting farther out to sea,
and I can't hang onto you.
It hurts too much but maybe so would letting you go.

There’s a version of me somewhere
that is a little goth princess.
Or as a fairy somewhere pretty.
Like a bumblebee just floating along.
Or as country as a scarecrow,
homegrown and strong.
Or maybe I’d live in the city,
turtlenecks and glasses and coffee.
Hopping the train to work at the newspaper.
Or maybe I could try to like me.
A girl who’s not really a girl anymore,
and is completely lost.
Who knows who she’ll be.

I already know I won’t get to ask.
At least not until later tonight,
because he won’t text me back until about 1 maybe.
It’s 11:14 right now.
By the time I hear from him I’ll be so relieved
just to get a response that I’ll chicken out.
I also don’t want to make him mad with that question as soon as he gets off work.
But my mind is spinning and sinking and I’m freaking out and I started drinking 30 minutes ago because I don’t know what else to do.
I’m prepared for him to say no.
But god I hope he says yes.

I want to trust him but my brain is telling me not to.
I’m scared because he could easily lie to me
or hide stuff from me and I’d never know.
He’s thousands of miles away and sometimes
He’s sweet and sometimes I don’t know what’s going on.
It’s making me feel crazy.
Suddenly I’m not even sure I’m his girlfriend.
He said the word best friend the other night but then he’s also said we’re together.
I don’t know. I need to ask him but he’s at work for the next 2 hours.
I Can’t wait that long.
And what if he says no. What does that mean. That suddenly he’s changed his mind because of someone else?
****