Chameleon

Chameleon Mar 2020

My energy likes being around yours.
Two souls bouncing around the atmosphere, who somehow found the other and it felt warm and safe.
And now I can’t remember what it was like before we met.

Chameleon Feb 2020

Get a new one

I’m embarrassed of my life.
I’m getting fat because I spend every dollar I make on food,
I work less than 4 hours a day cleaning toilets.
I get drunk and cry about the same **** I’ve been crying about for a year,
and can’t remember what I said the next day.
The other night I threw up into a grocery bag
multiple times.
My “friends” pity me because I can’t stop ******* up.
My car is a 20 year old fish bowl that was a huge waste of money,
and I had to move home at 24 because I couldn’t be responsible after getting my heart broken.
I’m still irresponsible.

I want to throw out this version of me and get the upgrade but I make myself look stupid every time I leave the safety of my bed.
Can’t someone just reprogram me instead?

Chameleon Feb 2020

Plan

I was laying in bed with the lights off watching the outline of my ceiling fan spin,
when I came clean to myself.
I mess things up, life gets too hard for me to handle sometimes and things can get bad.
Because I am mentally ill.
I almost can’t help it.
But, I don’t hate this part of me,
because it is part of me.
I am not a perfect person, I never will be and quite frankly, I don’t want to be.
I don’t always follow the rules,
I don’t just “get in line” with everyone else.
I don’t want to plan my life out.
I am happiest when I’m following the breeze, going where ever life takes me.
I don’t know what defines being successful,
other then ending up happy.

That’s what I’m gonna try to do.

Chameleon Feb 2020

Gluttony

I love to over indulge.
Anything I like, I want more of.
Buying one bag of gummies
has lead to buying three bags of candy
way too often
from the convenience store.
Doesn’t matter what it is though.
Drugs, fun, attention, love, ***,
and food.
Right now it’s food.
My least favorite addiction.
I start to feel big in my small jeans,
and see the rolls on my stomach double.
Gross.
Once I start I can’t stop;
it’s a never ending battle to try and
fill the empty spaces inside me.

Chameleon Feb 2020

Dim

I wish I could forgive him but
I’ve realized I don’t know if that’s possible yet.
Everything that happened changed me.
It changed who I am,
turned off one of the lights inside me.
I’m dimmer now.

I just want to be loved.
How I thought he loved me.. but for real.