Chameleon

Chameleon Mar 2020

My energy likes being around yours.
Two souls bouncing around the atmosphere, who somehow found the other and it felt warm and safe.
And now I can’t remember what it was like before we met.

Chameleon Feb 2020

Get a new one

I’m embarrassed of my life.
I’m getting fat because I spend every dollar I make on food,
I work less than 4 hours a day cleaning toilets.
I get drunk and cry about the same **** I’ve been crying about for a year,
and can’t remember what I said the next day.
The other night I threw up into a grocery bag
multiple times.
My “friends” pity me because I can’t stop ******* up.
My car is a 20 year old fish bowl that was a huge waste of money,
and I had to move home at 24 because I couldn’t be responsible after getting my heart broken.
I’m still irresponsible.

I want to throw out this version of me and get the upgrade but I make myself look stupid every time I leave the safety of my bed.
Can’t someone just reprogram me instead?

Chameleon Feb 2020

Plan

I was laying in bed with the lights off watching the outline of my ceiling fan spin,
when I came clean to myself.
I mess things up, life gets too hard for me to handle sometimes and things can get bad.
Because I am mentally ill.
I almost can’t help it.
But, I don’t hate this part of me,
because it is part of me.
I am not a perfect person, I never will be and quite frankly, I don’t want to be.
I don’t always follow the rules,
I don’t just “get in line” with everyone else.
I don’t want to plan my life out.
I am happiest when I’m following the breeze, going where ever life takes me.
I don’t know what defines being successful,
other then ending up happy.

That’s what I’m gonna try to do.

Chameleon Feb 2020

Gluttony

I love to over indulge.
Anything I like, I want more of.
Buying one bag of gummies
has lead to buying three bags of candy
way too often
from the convenience store.
Doesn’t matter what it is though.
Drugs, fun, attention, love, ***,
and food.
Right now it’s food.
My least favorite addiction.
I start to feel big in my small jeans,
and see the rolls on my stomach double.
Gross.
Once I start I can’t stop;
it’s a never ending battle to try and
fill the empty spaces inside me.

Chameleon Feb 2020

Dim

I wish I could forgive him but
I’ve realized I don’t know if that’s possible yet.
Everything that happened changed me.
It changed who I am,
turned off one of the lights inside me.
I’m dimmer now.

I just want to be loved.
How I thought he loved me.. but for real.

Chameleon Feb 2020

The bottom

I can see the dark clouds disappearing,
it feels like the first sign of spring.
But I haven’t come back home yet.
I’m so close.
I’ve come so far from crying so hard I thought someone might call the cops;
in a house that belonged to the person I hated.
I did anything to try to forget or fill that empty hole in my heart.
I couldn’t eat or sleep so I replaced it with thin white lines and alcohol and that didn’t help either.
My friends had no clue what to say to me but I’m grateful that they tried.
I disassociated while my brain replayed my nightmares, so I lost my job because they saw I wasn’t there.
I texted my mom that I needed to move back in because I hit the bottom and lost everything.

But I’ve been climbing and fighting my way back up. I really thought that pain would never go away but I can finally see the sun peaking through the cracks.
I don’t want to say, “it gets better” but it does.
It took me 7 months to get here, and I still have a long way to go.

2019 was the worst year of my life. It was filled with trauma that I’m still recovering from.

Chameleon Feb 2020

It’s part of being human

It is so weird how the heart and mind
have to heal after they’re wounded, just like if you broke a bone.
It takes time, sometimes a long time.
You might start to hate yourself or take all the blame and feel like it’ll never get better.
You have to work every day to get stronger
and slowly you become more able to live a normal life.
The pain subsides after awhile and sometimes you even forget you were ever hurt.
It’s all a scientific process that I’m not smart enough to explain.
Just be patient, and brave.