Chameleon

Chameleon Jan 2020

Star

It’s hard to be a human.
To make the right choice,
or do the right thing.
It’s even harder when you love someone.
It’s hard to be happy with simplicity.
At least for me.
It’s hard when your dreams feel
so big and impossible.
Like that bright star you see when you’re driving at night. The one that stands out from the others.
It’s too far away, so you can’t grab it.
Instead you think about how beautiful it would be if it could be yours.
Some day that star will burn out,
turn into dust or maybe nothing at all
just like me.. but I still want it.

Chameleon Dec 2019

Not hungry

I couldn’t eat for
2 months.
My appetite just disappeared.
I lost weight really fast.
My belt became too big.
Usually food is my comfort,
I have spent many many nights
getting to the bottom of a bag
or having just one more slice.
So when the idea of food became
nauseating and my stomach just stopped
growling, it was weird.
I have never experienced heart break
like that.
It really is as bad as all the sappy poems say.
When you’re broken, even your favorite food
can’t comfort you.

Chameleon Dec 2019

Not the same

I feel like I’ve been having
an identity crisis lately.
I’m living in past memories,
and blocking out the bad parts.
I’ve been ignoring the passage of time
because it’s going so fast
and frankly, I’m terrified for the future.
I miss my apartment,
and my boyfriend, my old job
and my friends.
My phone doesn’t even recognize me
anymore because I don’t look the same.
My hair is thin and torn out,
I have huge dark circles under my eyes
and my body looks fatter.

Why does everything have to fall apart?

Chameleon Dec 2019

Painful

I feel like I’m ready to give up
to be honest.
I just dealt with the hardest year of
my life and it was all for nothing.
Once he’s gone I’ll have nothing.
I am nothing.

Maybe I’ll just find a decent, boring man
and get married because it’s better than
dying alone.
I’ll have a kid or two because there’s
nothing else to do and it would be nice
to feel love that is actually real.

And since I’ll never see him again,
I’ll forget all about him.
Never say his name or think of his face.

Hopefully some day I won’t feel
so empty and none of this will hurt anymore.
Hopefully some day I can be okay again.

Chameleon Dec 2019

Who needs Christmas

It’s like Christmas morning every time
he smiles at me.
Opening presents when he holds my hand.
Festive music plays when he laughs
at my jokes.
Mistletoe hangs wherever he kisses me.
And Santa is real when he calls me
his girlfriend.

Christmas comes just once a year,
but for me it’s every day I’m with him.

Chameleon Dec 2019

Leave

My soul knows you’ll be leaving soon.
Off to the land of palm trees and a salty ocean.
Opportunity.
It’s the only thing left to do.
The other half of my heart that made
it so wonderfully full.
I think that’s why there’s an eternal
sadness stuck inside me.

Chameleon Dec 2019

Anything

It’s all worth it
even if lately it hasn’t been easy;
when he reaches for my hand and says,
“Thank you for helping me peach.”
Although he doesn’t need to thank me.
I would do anything for him.