Chameleon

Chameleon Feb 2019

Ox

I hate myself because I destroy my own happiness.
I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, this unwelcome rage that is like boiling water bubbling over the edge of a ***.
I’ve always found it fitting that my zodiac sign is the Taurus because sometimes I can be so stubborn, I won’t budge.
I can gleefully sit and watch everything burn around me but then instantly regret it as I am left in the ashes wondering
what happened?!

Nobody brings me down better than I do.

Chameleon Feb 2019

Ghost

My mental health is deteriorating and nobody cares!
I ask for help but I’m met with blank stares.
“You’re over dramatic, all women are the same.”
It’s no wonder good girls end up going insane.
I feel like a ghost lost in my apartment,
trying to find someone to share my heart with.
Can someone for once just care about me?
Why am I so easy to leave.

Chameleon Feb 2019

Too full

Try to remember what my therapist taught me.
Try to implement the techniques.

But truthfully the only solution to anxiety is action.
Results.
Solving the problem.

Otherwise the closet continues to get fuller, overflowing with thrift store jackets, Christmas decorations, and worry.
The life changing magic of tidying up also works on the brain.

Chameleon Feb 2019

Again

There are so many times when
I wish I could capture a moment and
keep it inside a snow globe.
That way all I’d have to do is tip it over to
relive it all over again.

Chameleon Jan 2019

Done trying

I decided I’m done trying to get things done.
It doesn’t even pay off, and I just spend my free time before work running around feeling stressed.
If I get the laundry done, cool.
But if not, oh well.
If I get to the store cool,
But if not oh well.
If I see people cool.
If not, oh well.
I’m done worrying and taking sleep away from myself just so I can try to be super woman.
I work third shift, it’s okay to sleep all day and get nothing done.
I should give it a try. Maybe I’d be happier.

Chameleon Jan 2019

What a peach

Nobody else knows what it’s like when it’s just you and another person.
They don’t see how often he makes me laugh,
the ugly kind so you know it’s real.
Sometimes he will just stare at me and then go, hmm, and smile as if he’s thinking something sweet.
How he encourages and supports me at the Gym even when I’m struggling to get it right and then tell me how great I did when we leave.
Watching Game of Thrones cuddled up on the couch has become my favorite part of the day because it’s just me and him and it feels like our thing.
He notices little things about me that make him laugh, like how I get flustered when the Roku remote doesn’t seem to work.
He defends me and respects me and cares enough to grab my hands when I can’t stop pulling out my hair.
They don’t see how stupid happy I am ever since that Saturday after Thanksgiving when we just gravitated towards each other and have been together ever since.

Chameleon Jan 2019

One of those days

I woke up still feeling sad.
I had the urge to cry but wouldn’t let myself do it around him.
I felt like we are still too new to allow myself to have one of those days where I wake up in tears.
Finally after attempting to hold it in, I went and laid down in bed, pulled the covers over my head and quietly cried.
He came in and laid on top of me and said,
“Babe, why are you so sad.”
I didn’t respond, I just sniffled.
He stayed until I took my head out and said,
I feel better now.
And then we got up and went to the Gym because it’s okay to have bad days, but you have to pick yourself back up and keep trying.