Today I will be at work,
but my soul will be off
somewhere in my car,
packed with my old friends.
Enjoying this nice weather in
December.
I'll be reliving old memories,
and ones that never got to be.
Good music,
good bud,
good friends and
good vibes.

I think,
what I need more than
anything are friends.

Waking up
is so sweet
when I see you
there beside me.
When I feel your
hands discovering my
body and then pulling
me close.
The small sweet kisses
under the covers,
with your arms around
me,
makes for a really
good morning.

She had gypsy dreams,
and he had the wheels
that could take her to
places she didn't even
know she wanted to go.

I got a compliment
on my hair today.
I'm not telling you because
I'm conceited.
I'm telling you because it
means a lot to me,
considering what I've been
through.
I will never see my hair
as perfect,
but it helps to know that
it's not a complete disaster.

There's a spot on the right side
of my forehead,
that I hate looking at.
It happened before my eyes,
before my hands could see
what kind of chaos they created.
If you walked through the
tiny door in the deepest part
of my brain,
ya know,
the door that is inconceivably
small,
you would hear me
begging my hands to not
let me be bald.

I did it.
I saw him face to face.
I came over on a Thursday night
around 10:30,
only expecting to buy
some of his **** treats.
He was just as good looking
as I remember,
and just as great as I remember.
He has odd beautiful hair.
Dark brown, shaved down
short on the sides,
a small ponytail on the back,
with bangs.
He has new art on his arms,
and chest,
but he has the same soft eyes.

And those hands.

It was natural and we talked,
and caught up.
It was great to know that
we are still okay.
That we can fall back into that
natural vibe and smile
at each other .

I have no other words
to use than great.
Tonight was a good night.

I
   Just
  
              Want
To
Be

           Happy.

When I was a little kid,
my idea of what heaven
looks like was the biggest
cloud in the sky.
The ones that had colors
like pink, blue, yellow.
And now that I think about
it,
I've never had a more
beautiful thought.

Tonight I stared at a cloud
that was stunningly pink.
Behind it, the sky
looked like a painting.
Eventually I stared so long
that it turned into a dragon.
And I remembered when
I tripped on mushrooms.

I need to eat some again.

Do you really want me
to tell you all of
the things that
loiter in my mind?
His hands that were holding
me so tight,
his bad boy whisper
in the dark.

I look for you
every time I go
to Speedway
before class.
Hoping to see you buying an
extra large coffee,
and then smoke
a cigarette in my car.
I want to laugh with
you again.
It was like we never
stopped.
I could live off your
encouragement,
and your smile.

I just like to know
how you are.

Good night sunshine,
I always hope to see you
in the mornings.

It's sad but it's true.
People are more likely
to pick a side,
than to lend a hand
when some one is falling
apart.

Even though we're miserable
here.
Sad here,
angry here.
This is where we came
from.

And yet,
somehow we're still here,
so it can't be that bad.

It still feels unfair that
I have all of these memories
with you,
that stick around like old
photographs,
that I have to keep putting away
out of sight because I can't
throw them out.
What do I do with all of them?
Like the night I snuck out of
my house that summer,
and ran down the street to meet you,
just so we could spend the whole
time kissing,
and saying I miss you.
What am I supposed to do with
all of you that's still left
with me?
I thought that by now you would be
forgotten,
instead you are haunting my dreams.

Pause for a second,
and think about
us.
Now,
pick one of your
favorite memories.
Maybe it's the same one
that I'm about to share.
It was a perfect summer night,
just the two of us on the roof.
We had spent hours talking,
while your phone
played all the music
we fell in love to.
And then you pulled out your
guitar and asked,
Do you sing?
I was shy when you
began to play,
so you sang the first verse.
And then I joined in.
Soon,
you were just smiling
at me,
strumming all the
right notes as I
sang into the night.

I belong with you
you belong with me
in my sweet arms.

Afterward,
you kissed me and said,
beautiful.

I heard that song
on the radio tonight,
but it has never sounded
as good
as it did
when
you
loved
me.

I'm just
trying to
hold onto
humility, in a
world full of
dress codes
and
drug tests.

Some people never
click with their
parents.
Even after the
terrible teenage
stage ends.
Turns out I'm one
of those people.
I'm a hated stranger
in my own home.
And no matter how hard
I try to make my
parents happy,
it's never good enough.
Somewhere along the
way I became the
disappointment of
the family.
But their doubt
only makes me want
to work harder,
to prove them all
wrong.
I need to get out of here.

My stomach has been
flopping all day.
My heart beat has been
faster than normal,
even without smoking.
All over a gesture.
And now a few words.
He doesn't hate you.
It all excites me more than
it should.
My mind is so congested
that I don't even think I can
face my boyfriend right now.
I just want to sit here and bask
in my inappropriate happiness.

One thing that I hope
never changes is the
way I feel when I
lay down next to you,
and lay my head on your
chest like it's a pillow.
I hope that you always
miss me when I'm gone,
and smile when you see me.
I hope that we always love
each other as much as we do
right now.

I don't think it's
odd to feel unloved
and far from ****
if your boyfriend
who used to want you
all the time,
doesn't even cuddle you
when he comes to bed.
It's like sleeping over
at a friend's house.

He still says
I love you

But sometimes it's hard to tell

I think he was trying
to ask me how I missed him.
Like, as a friend or something else.
I asked what he meant,
and he steered away from the question.
I was glad he did,
because I wasn't sure how
to answer.
I might have to say both.

I wonder how he misses me.

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.*
     -Charles Bukowski <3

It is very simple
really.
Give your all to
someone,
and hope they do
the same.
Sometimes it's hard,
and temptation
is always two
steps away,
but treat your significant
other as you
want to be treated.
Give them all of
your wants,
needs and
desires.
And just L O V E

I don't see why
what I'm doing is
wrong.
I just want to be
alone.
I want to keep
to myself,
and do what makes
me happy.
It's not like I'm asking
for too much.
I'm tired of my parents
always being on my back,
especially when I don't
do anything wrong.
What do you want me to say?
I'm a **** up,
I'm going nowhere,
I'm a burnt out *** head,
You're right.
No matter what I do,
it's never good enough.
I guess I should expose
my boyfriend to them.
It has been 5 months.
But I know that they'll
hate him.
They'll judge him,
because he doesn't know
very much,
because he doesn't have
very much.
Yet, I love him.
But how do you tell
your parents they haven't
met your boyfriend
because they're rude
and judge mental.
Oh yeah,
you can't.

So.
Technically I've been kicked
out of my first place.
Not on the street because
I couldn't pay the bills,
but because I am not
welcome anymore.
I'm going to try to be back
at my parents by today.
Honestly it's fine.
Just means that now I'll have
a lot more money.
But what does bug me is how
I am so unwelcome everywhere
I go.
I'm sure my parents aren't thrilled
to have me back,
my room mates booted me,
my co-workers pretend I'm
not there,
and my boyfriend doesn't care
that I wasted 30 miles of gas
to pick him up last night,
only to find an empty building,
and no phone call.

But it's all okay.
I tried it out the other day,
and deciding to just "wing it",
worked out pretty well.
I ended up with a 12$ bowl
that changes color,
and a great mood.

So, I have a new plan.

I'm unhappy
even when
I'm happy.

I'm not going to
give you any more
room in my future book.
I'm not going to let you
be the only thing that
helps me write.
Or makes me happy,
or makes me feel beautiful,
and young and hopeful.
Because I'm all of those
things,
and you haven't been
there the whole time.

So,

I'll be fine.

I gave myself some
friendly advice,
and said how lucky
I am, I have everything
I've ever wanted.
So why do I want to live
in the past,
when things weren't as
good as they are now.
I am awesome and fun,
and beautiful.
So why do I feel like
I need him to prove it.
I have someone that loves me
like someone is supposed to.
I have a great job and
I'm finally moved out.
I have money and I take care
of myself.
My car runs,
and I've made it really far
on my own.

Today I am proud of myself.
And I'm going to be happy.

This week has been
unbelievably bad.
You probably wouldn't believe
me if I told you.
It feels like my life is crumbling
like a sand castle,
and I have no control over what
happens next.
I just want to stop.
Stop moving, stop caring, stop s t o p
                                                               s
                                                                 t
                                                                    o
                                                                      p
                                                                       .
But for now,
I'll solve my problem the only way
I know how.
Ignoring it.
When I get home I'm going
to drink that beer in the fridge,
and hope that it doesn't taste
as bitter as today.

Did we miss the moon?
I'd lie in your arms if I could
Such a common pain
Repeats itself again and again

Flowers grow in the springtime and leaves fall from the trees
I've been GONE for so long, you just threw away the keys
I understand it, but I don't want it

I know it so well, you tripped me and I laughed when you fell
This isn't how it should be
I've let you drift so far, from me

But please hold onto the memories
Before we really crash and burn
We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn
I understand it, but I don't want it

If you asked me,
"How are you?"
I wouldn't know how to answer.

                                I am everything.

Every human emotion runs through
my body all the time,
and they fluctuate even faster.
One second I can be the happiest I've
been in awhile,
and the next,
terribly angry,
or depressingly sad.

I do not blame these crazy feelings
on anyone,
other than myself.

My boyfriend is exceptional at always
keeping a smile on my face,
but even in his presence I can still not be okay.

Each day is a struggle,
to keep trying,
fighting,
sleeping,
working,
not pulling,
smiling.

     Sometimes I wonder if I will ever wake up
       and feel like everything is okay.

If I had known then,
what I know now,
then I would have done things
a lot differently.
If I knew that those days
really wouldn't last forever,
then I never would have left,
I would have always participated.
I would have gotten **** drunk on a Thursday,
even though we had school the next day,
just because,
I would have gone on every
smoke cruise,
every walk to the gas station,
I would have tripped sooner,
been myself sooner,
I would have stopped worrying
about him so much,
and started worrying about them
more.
If I knew then,
what I know now,
then maybe I would still
have friends,
I wouldn't feel like an outcast
in my own home town.
Its stupid,
but I can now accept that
I ****** up the relationships
I had with so many people.
Its my fault.
Its my fault.

If I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn't hate myself so much
today.

It's nice to know
that he can sleep.
I can't.
I feel blown off.
I shouldn't be
sleeping alone.
He is supposed to
be cuddling me,
in his bed.
This whole day
is wrong.
I hate it.
I hate this.
I miss him.