I think I'm a little crazy,
but I'm not the only one.
My lifestyle is unstable.
Waking up early to go to
work after not having a full
8 hours,
drinking monster,
smoking ****.
Barely eating,
and then when you do
it's fast food.
I can't help but think that
I won't be able to do this
when I'm older.
There's no way that adults
live this way.
But I'm 19.
I'm still young.

He said he wants
to marry me.

As a girl,
that is something
you never forget.

I've only thought
about spending the
rest of my life with
one other person,
it didn't happen,
but I haven't forgotten.

I'm in love though,
and it's wonderful.
Love l o v e love love
L O V E

At this point,
I am just waiting for the
night that can go by
without him even taking up
one second of my dreams.
I know I'm romanticizing
what we had,
but it's hard to forget
when I can't stop mentally
interacting with him.
And it's really
messing me up.

Day 9,999 of working
without a day off,
with no appreciation from
my **** job that I haven't called off,
and doing the things no one
else wants to.
I went a whole 13 hours without
pulling out any hair,
but most of that time was when
I was asleep.
I'm amazed I'm not bald
by now.
Sunday will be here soon enough.
Only 4 more days.
But for me,
the hardest part of working
is getting out of the car.
It's been raining non-stop
and there's still a whole week
of it ahead.
And my birthday is in less
than 20 days.
I don't care and no one else will
either.
I will be 20 years old.
That means I've been pulling hair
out of my head for 4 years.
I can't believe it's been that long.

I really don't like that
I have to spend the rest
of my day around people.
I just want to be alone.
I don't wanna talk,
or pretend to smile.
I just want to sit on my
old bed in my old room,
watch Tv and smoke **** with
the window open.
But I can't.
Because none of my stuff
is at home.
Today is moving day.

So, maybe tomorrow.

I really want to talk
to you,
but I don't know what
to say.
I can't just say hi,
it's been too long.
But I also don't want to
dump a year's worth of
feelings in the first message.
If only I could think
up the right words to say.

I can't believe what I just
remembered.
And I can't believe I ever
forgot.
He used to call me wormy,
because I moved around so
much to get comfortable.
I can actually remember
the first time he said it.
I could hear the smile in his
voice as his arms were
wrapped around me.
He was the best at cuddling.
He would stay like that all night.
He said,
"I should start calling you wormy."
I laughed and asked why.
"because, you can never stay still."
I remember telling him I liked it,
and he told me I was weird.
But I could still hear his smile.

People throw around
the word 'legend'
too often these days.
Claiming that some
9 year old who can sing
on YouTube is as great
as the greats.
Unless they've really
done something that
had made a difference
for the better of humanity,
than, no,
I would never call them
a legend.

I saw you and your little family today.
It was only for a second,
as I drove by from my busy life.
I hope you know how lucky
you are.
I hope that it's all enough,
to keep you happy.
This may not have been the life
you chose,
but its obviously the one you were meant
to live.
So I guess what I'm saying is,
don't have any regrets, or wonder what
could have been, with me.
Because none of that matters now,
a year later,
and look where we are.
Strangers again.

I came to work
really ******.
There was no way
to hide it.
Ya know,
when your eyes
are impossible
to open wide,
and totally bloodshot.

But now my high has
gone away,
and I'm starving,
or maybe its the munchies.
A nap sounds like a dream
come true.

Maybe I should stop
smoking *** before I go
to work until 1 a.m,
with 7$ to my name.

Nahhh.. **** that :)

Okay,
let's be a little real
for a second.
I know you didn't send me
that invite because you
wanted me to know,
or even go for that matter.
You did it for selfish reasons
in hopes that you'd win
a lap dance from one of those
strippers or something.
But, um,
how come I got the message
when we aren't even Facebook
friends?
So.. Thank you,
*******, for going out of your
way to remind me that you're
alive..
and that you have fingers.
Remember when you completely
blew me off,
and didn't say **** back to
that message?
The one I know you saw.
You could have skipped my name,
you could have some respect for
my ******* feelings,
you could have responded
and been a decent human being.

All I want to say to you is
Please ******* out of my life
forever.
And the funny thing is,
I'm sure you didn't even notice
that you just did something
really wrong.

I love you so
much.
I just wish you believed
me.
Even when I'm not around.

You're my best friend
and everything and every minute
in between.

I actually don't even have words
for how I feel about you,
because you've never broken
my heart.
I'm still blinded by love
baby.

If you asked me,
"How are you?"
I wouldn't know how to answer.

                                I am everything.

Every human emotion runs through
my body all the time,
and they fluctuate even faster.
One second I can be the happiest I've
been in awhile,
and the next,
terribly angry,
or depressingly sad.

I do not blame these crazy feelings
on anyone,
other than myself.

My boyfriend is exceptional at always
keeping a smile on my face,
but even in his presence I can still not be okay.

Each day is a struggle,
to keep trying,
fighting,
sleeping,
working,
not pulling,
smiling.

     Sometimes I wonder if I will ever wake up
       and feel like everything is okay.

I remember a feeling
I used to get.
A tightening in my chest,
anxious, and exciting.
When everyone got together
and it was time to hangout
on a Friday at Joeys.
Somehow we all knew to go
there.
I don't think we ever mutually
decided that, that is what we
would do after school on that day,
it just always happened.
Usually my sister and I would
be the first ones there,
since I was dating Joey.
We'd snag one of the few
chairs in the room,
if you struck out you had to
sit on the floor.
Anyways,
everybody would start filing in
and suddenly everything would
start to get fun.
The room got louder and then
music would be playing in
the background.
Everyone smiling,
and laughing.
Suddenly a joint or a bowl
would be presented to your
fingers and you'd puff puff
pass it along,
and everything was great.
It went like this for four
amazing years.
A group of guys and girls
who could come together without
any worries of having to impress
anyone,
and feel better when they left.

It seems like years ago now,
but sometimes,
I still get that anxious, excited
feeling.

How come it's always
time to wake up,
go to work.
Pay bills,
fix the car,
and do laundry.
It's never time to
go to bed,
clock out,
smoke a cigarette,
light a joint.

There is never enough time
for the things you enjoy.

The only reason I'm able
to stand watching golf
is because I have a glass
of wine between my legs.
I've thought about turning on
the radio,
but that requires getting up.
Today,
he told me he got me something.
A late birthday present.
I wish I could type in a smile.
I have people in my life
that care about me for the first
time in a long time.
Maybe my twenties won't be so
bad after all.

I can't do this anymore.
I know you have problems
but I do too,
and Im not strong
enough to carry all
of this weight,
for you.
You say you love me,
but you don't show it.
You say I'm the best
thing in your life,
although I am never a
part of it.
How can you be
my shoulder to cry on
when you're the
reason I'm crying.
I have tried my best.
But that's all I have.
I have nothing left
to give,
nothing left for
you to take.
I am so sick of
feeling this way.

I realize that by
keeping to myself and writing
every thing down,
I have become so self involved.
I just wallow in my misery
and don't focus on all the
good in my life.
Maybe if I could just
get out of my head,
I could finally be happy
in life and my relationship.
Wanting so many things
and trying to make it sound
beautiful have become exhausting.
I just need to admit that I'm
an *******.

I will always feel so
pretentious talking about
this in any form.
But my anxiety really took over
today.
I couldn't focus,
I was hot and cold all day,
I was shakey,
and could not keep my hands
out of my hair.
Today was tough.

Sitting in the car,
in the parking lot of the local
doctor's office.
Where the odds of you seeing someone
you know, are a sure thing.
I saw my ex-boyfriend's parents
while in the lobby with my current
boyfriend.
The nurse finally called his name
and I went out to my car
because I am impatient and I
know it;
so I avoid that situation.
Slow ride is on the radio,
I've got a cigarette between my
fingers and I have time to waste.
I've already been to work,
and I plan on hitting the bowl
once we're out in the country.
I am content.

My stomach has been
flopping all day.
My heart beat has been
faster than normal,
even without smoking.
All over a gesture.
And now a few words.
He doesn't hate you.
It all excites me more than
it should.
My mind is so congested
that I don't even think I can
face my boyfriend right now.
I just want to sit here and bask
in my inappropriate happiness.

I've had this whole other life
without you in it for so long now,
which is something I once thought
I could never do.
But I missed you.
I don't blame you for the silence
that fell between us for over 365 days.
I don't think I'd want to talk to me either.
I never thought about how you must feel.
I guess it's because I never knew how you felt, about me.
What a strange time in our lives huh?
Now, it feels like nothing but a really really good dream.
I want you to be happy,
because I am.
Not all the time, but happiness
usually seems to find me.
And yes, he is a big part of that.
I know I will be heartbroken and sick
all over again when some girl blows through the doors and is everything you once thought I was,
but I have no right.
I guess I just want it all.
But, I've still never come up with the right words that would properly express how deeply sorry I will be for the rest of my time.

I wish I could wake up and
feel happy.
I'm so tired of the same old thing.
Wake up, go to work,
get off work,
go to sleep.
Repeat.
Where's the adventure,
the fun.
Why don't I live every moment,
in a state of who cares,
this will be over soon.
I think I'm going to do mushrooms
tonight after work.
Maybe I need this right now.
Maybe that's why he gave them
to me.
Or maybe he loves me.
Why does every passing minute
feel like some sort of sentence and
I'm just waiting for it to be over.
I have to get a new job.
I have to find happiness while
I'm still young,
or someday I'll be 52 and
everything that I used to
think was magic,
will be gone.

I have begun to wonder if
I will ever be able to share my
writing with the person that
I am dating.
It's where I'm most vulnerable,
most selfish,
I talk about things that might
upset the person I'm with.
But that's me.
So how am I supposed to accept
that some people may never accept
my past and everything that I am.

It feels good to know
that you were suffering
through the same pain,
as I was
at one point in time.
To know what you were
really thinking,
instead of the rumors
and whispers I pick up
on the street.
I'm peeling back the
layers of unspoken thoughts
that have built up over time,
in hopes that one night
I can go to sleep without
any regrets.

There's a feeling in the air
tonight.
It's electric.
Dangerous.
Intoxicating.
Makes me want to hop
in the passenger seat of his car,
and drink and smoke with all the windows down.
Makes me feel unpredictable.
Makes me feel like living.

I leave work and come home
to his house.
"He's upstairs."
They tell me.
thanks.
I go up the small stairway,
and open the door to his room.
He turns and says,
"Hey baby. C'mere."
I smile and take off all of my work
clothes, putting on the ones I brought
for today,
and get under the sheets next to him.
And even though I've been up
for eight hours already,
I am tired again,
so comfortable just to feel
him breathe.

"I love you."
*I love you too.

There's a spot on the right side
of my forehead,
that I hate looking at.
It happened before my eyes,
before my hands could see
what kind of chaos they created.
If you walked through the
tiny door in the deepest part
of my brain,
ya know,
the door that is inconceivably
small,
you would hear me
begging my hands to not
let me be bald.

I woke up to my alarm;
I had forgotten what time it was
going to go off.
6:10 am.
Oh yeah,
it was time to get ready for work.
So I did just that,
but in under ten minutes.
I'd like to start this day off
in a good way,
with my coffee that is now cold,
listening to music
and smoking a little ****.
I am hoping that good vibes
on this Saturday morning
will help my mind forget how
early it is.

I want to call him
and tell him that I wish
he was here,
to cuddle me to sleep
and tell me that everything is
going to be fine.
Tomorrow and the day after that.
I want to tell him that I can't
stop pulling out my hair,
and that my anxiety is sky rocketing.
I want to tell him that I miss him
and I love you.
But I won't.
Because I have to try to go to
sleep on my own.

Starting over always sounds
so good,
until it's too late and you
realize that what you really
wanted was there all along.
But will you be brave
and try to turn around,
and turn back time,
even though the possibility of
rejection is not in your favor?
Or will you be brave and
continue trying to move on,
and make the best out of
what you have.
But, the thing is.
It's too easily forgotten that
this is the only life we will
have a chance to take
full advantage of.
So when you get to that
fork in the road,
which path will you take,
and will you be happy with
your choice?

If you don't understand
the calm that comes with driving
as the sun starts to peak over the edge
of the earth,
and watching the sky change
colors every minute,
than I suggest that on a day
off work,
wake up early and go get some
breakfast, or coffee.
Smoke a cigarette or a joint,
or both.
Meet the morning people,
they smile more.
See how much more time there
really is in a day.

You will not be disappointed.

It is very simple
really.
Give your all to
someone,
and hope they do
the same.
Sometimes it's hard,
and temptation
is always two
steps away,
but treat your significant
other as you
want to be treated.
Give them all of
your wants,
needs and
desires.
And just L O V E

I don't think it's
odd to feel unloved
and far from ****
if your boyfriend
who used to want you
all the time,
doesn't even cuddle you
when he comes to bed.
It's like sleeping over
at a friend's house.

He still says
I love you

But sometimes it's hard to tell

Maybe I'm a compulsive liar.
I just lied to my boyfriend
about not being at home already,
because I got off work an hour ago,
and could've come over,
but instead went home.
And then I got caught in my lie,
and talked my way out of it.
And now I feel so guilty,
because I know what he's thinking,
when really I'm just insane.
And I can't say that either because
then he'll wonder what else I've been
hiding.
And if I wasn't actually hiding
something that wouldn't be a problem.
My conscience is too good.
You would think that by now
I wouldn't learned to stop
lying.