I do not recognize the image in the mirror
Staring back at me with red weeping eyes
Eyes that only wish to see someone else
Someone better

But the image won't change, and I panic
"If you don't calm down I will send you to the ER again"
My head is pounding, why can't I just act normal?
I'm not insane, I know it

Anything but the hospital again, please
There is nothing worse than those fluorescent lights
And the sympathetic smiles of strangers

I do not recognize the image in the mirror
Glaring back at me with disappointed eyes
Eyes that wish I was someone to be proud of
Someone that isn't me

Maybe had I been Alice I'd be more fortunate
I'll fall into one of my day dreams and get out of this town
What does it take to slip into that happy fantasy?

But instead red drips pretty
It pools and forms beautiful roses on the bathroom tile
Can't pick them up, they don't smell like flowers

If only I had met the rabbit down the hole
Maybe he could have shown me the real flowers in that not-so-real world,
That life of adventure would be enough to make me happy

But my roses are fading along with the rest of the room
Turning into black, and I'm eye level with these pools of pretty
I guess this is me slipping out of this dreadful town into my day dreams, finally

Slip, fall
No movement for a couple seconds
Passed out on the floor
Blood covers his face and shirt
Responsible drinking Dad

"Get him up!"
Panic quickly enters the room
So close,
But he collapses again

"Call 911!"
My hands are shaking
As I dial for help
"Hello where do you live"
More questions are asked while they are still trying to stand him up

Bright flashing lights take control of everyone's attention
He is conscious now sitting with the police
Drunk fingers hold mine tightly for support
But why should I support him?

The bright lights take him off to where he will be spending the night
When we get there he is lying down in a room
"Someone give me a gun, I need to die"
Dad, you're drunk
Tears fill up in my eyes as I sit and watch my father figure in a new light
"Plummy, do you have a gun for me?"

A little part of me dies when he says that
I feel sick to my stomach, where is the dad I used to know?
No Dad, I don't have a gun
He looks at me with sadness and embarrassment
But I cannot get myself to look back with love and support
So I just don't look at him

I never let myself judge him because of things like this
Tonight that idea changed in my head
I just hope this is a wake up call for him too

Whenever I get in a car I make sure the doors are locked
I do this because I like to lean against the window with my whole body
It's terrifying to think that the door could just fly open and I could fall out
Sometimes I make sure everyone's doors are locked
It's sort of a pet peeve of mine
Or maybe it's more of an anxiety

I climbed into the back seat of my dad's big red truck last night
I leaned against the door like I always do
But I didn't lock the door,
Actually I made sure it was unlocked
You could say I was waiting for something bad to happen
The truth is I wasn't waiting, I was wishing

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”
— John Keating, Dead Poets Society

I wondered what you were thinking
When your hands moved up and down my scratchy sweater
As you lay with me with comforting arms

I wondered where I would be in five years
When the people we know become the people we knew
As we grow into entirely different people

I wondered why nothing was making sense
When everything crashed down on me at once
As you tried to explain to me in a previous story

I wondered about the things that will matter
When we're living in nursing homes retelling the only stories we can remember
As if anything could possibly matter by then anyways

I wondered what it would be like to die
When I can't live anymore
As your arms wrapped me in a tighter embrace

I wondered about you and me
When our time runs out if it ever will
As you traced my hand with your finger

I wondered why I was crying and couldn't find an answer
When you asked me what was wrong
As you lay down next to me and cradled me in your bed