you tell me you don't know
you don't know whether to choose between
the friend or the girlfriend
why the **** is your girlfriend a choice
telling me you're bored
so i fed into your entertainment
and you loved it
but that was before i knew
i was going to be the grenade in your lives
i thought we had something special
but i'm not even on your mind
and she isn't even on your mind
then
who are you really thinking of?
if it's not me
or her
what's your new victims name?

it's been twelve years since my life changed..
since they changed me.
then why do i still feel seven years old?
and why does the pain keep on growing stronger?

i'm afraid you're going to say no
i'm afraid you're going to tell me we can't
i'm afraid you won't include me too
i'm afraid that everything we did to get where we are
was meant for nothing
meant to be destroyed
i'm afraid that if you leave you'll come back again
for the third time
i keep letting you in
and i shouldn't
but i desire your attention
your voice
and your words
i need you
but you don't need me, apparently
please
i hope you know how i truly feel
and i hope you're keeping track of the small things i tell you
i'm so scared that the moments we shared
are now over
forever

i can't stop thinking about you
there.
i said it.
i hypocrite you for lying
when i'm a liar too
when you asked me
"do you like like me"
i said "i don't"
LIAR.
but also
i didn't lie because i don't know if i would ever go through this
with you
i keep sugarcoating how i feel
and who you are as a person
you're actually really horrible
but i also think you're good too
and good always triumphs over bad
would you ever bother to tell me that you
want me
think of me
hate me
and need me
or would i be the only bold one?
because that would ****
a lot
i still want to be with you though

there's so much anger that i carry,
so much sadness,
and so much of the person who i used to be.
sometimes my life doesn't feel real
but the more i distract myself
the longer i can ignore that i'm unhappy in my present.
the distractions numb me so majority of the time i'm fine,
but now the distractions aren't working and i'm forced to face what's wrong.
i do and don't know what's wrong.
i know it's not my fault why everything in my life is destroyed,
but i can't keep blaming what i said i've forgiven.
how do i move on

i like being alone with you.
doesn't matter if we're talking,
sitting in silence,
or just sleeping...
your presence comforts me in a way no other can.
you give me peace,
i feel at peace with you.
and i like who i am when i'm with you.
you help me grow as a person everyday,
you add on in my life

i never liked the color red
i always thought it was overrated
red was known for love
for blood
i never had a reason to like red
watermelon
cherry
apple
i like to eat red
but why would i ever say
"red is my favorite color"
green is way better
but when i met you
you told me your favorite color was red
i never asked why
i wish i had
but ever since you left
i've been learning
how to love red
just like how you
loved it too

it's not that i worshipped the ground that you walked on
or the comforting words you could tell a thousand times.
it's that you are the reason why it felt so real,
why we felt so real.
you could never choose me in a heartbeat,
but even when both of our worlds are crashing down,
i'd push you off the part of the mountain about to collapse,
so that i fall and you won't.
would you save me too?
or would you save yourself?

despite the fact that you treat me horrible
despite the fact that you remind me everyday i'm a bad person because i don't do YOUR job
despite the fact that you abandoned me as an EIGHT year old child
despite the fact that you blame me for being the daughter of your ex-husband
despite the fact that you treat me like a stranger under your suffocating roof
despite the fact that you love your new kids more and your new husband more than my father
despite the fact that you look down on me and my brothers for being the children of your ex-husband
despite the fact that you don't trust me
despite the fact that you said you don't love me
despite the fact that you keep threatening me
despite all of it...
i still found ways to love you more.
but like you said: you'd never believe me because i'm a liar.
would i still be a liar when i'm no longer here anymore?
or are you just too blind to see that you never raised me and i turned out to be a great person without needing you?
i need you, but i don't need you that much.
i was my own mother anyways

i used to think i was suffocating inside of a deep green forest where all i could see were pine trees, gloomy fogs and different paths to take.
sometimes i felt like i was in the bottom of an ocean suffocating and drowning in my sorrows as i let the water control my body.
other times i felt like i was suffocating in fire---in my childhood home that burned down.
i still feel like i'm suffocating now,
but i don't know whether it's the forest, the ocean, or the fire.
sometimes i believe i'm simply suffocating in the silence of my reality; who i am today, who i'm going to be tomorrow, and who i was yesterday.
i'm scared for what the future holds for me because the past took a part of my life that i will never forget and receive back.
i don't think i'm interested in living this life anymore because i barely survived the past, how will i survive the next?
i won't make it out this time.
i just know it.

you didn't remember my birthday when i told you the first time
but when you told me yours
it was marked in my head
you don't know my favorite color
because you never asked me
but i know yours
it's red
you don't know any of the musicians i like
but i know yours
you don't know how many siblings i have
but i know yours
you don't remember that i'm afraid of relationships
but i remembered every single word you told me
of how people have made you feel less as a human
why do i try so hard to make you stay
when you don't even know
who i am?
when you're not even interested
you just love that i give you attention
how dumb of me to think
you would remember
when
you don't remember
****

you came back again.
but that's only because i let you.
you were the one that said you didn't want me in your life.
and since i've been gone,
no one has been feeding into your crave for attention.
you're like a vampire; you keep on ******* coming back for more.
you know i'm still in love with you,
so you lie to me that you love me back when really you're just using me.
how foolish of me to think
you would ever choose me...
when i'm your last choice.
i still want to be with you though
(and i shouldn't feel that way anymore).

nobody knows the real me.
the me that hurts, the me that hides, the me that cries alone, the me that sacrifices, the me that cares.
but no one would understand me anyway,
hell i don't even understand myself.

it's preternatural for me to miss your touch when i've never touched you or met you in real life before.
you gave me an experience like no other.
but ever since you've been gone,
i've been trying to fill in the emptiness that you've left in my chest.
but there's no filling of another person that will be able to replace you.
i wish you had stayed

even though we haven't spoken in 172 weeks
you've been the only person that's crossed my mind.
there's still a wave of memories i have with you that won't wash away
and i don't know why.
they feel like a stain,
YOU feel like a stain
that i can't get rid of.
maybe your scent is stuck in my head since we used to lay near each other.
or maybe it's your voice that i can't unhear that's holding me back.
perhaps it's your eyes,
i remember always being lost in them.
but i do know that
i can't move on.
and i do know it's because of you,
i just can't let it go.
i can't let you go.
i won't let it go at all.

i'm not sure how it started.
maybe i was bored
or maybe i finally started getting guys to notice me.
the pictures, my way with words, my honesty--
that's what they loved most about me,
and i kept doing it.
until it became too much and i fell in love.
but it was fake.
i started over again and i repeated the same things,
only this time things were different;
the pictures became better, sluttier,
my way with words became more convincing,
and my honesty turned into lies.
and now the second guy is gone and i'm left with the others waiting for me to reply back to their messages.
i don't know if i want this anymore.
i don't know who i am.
i don't recognize myself.

i told myself i'd move on once you did.
and you're in love now,
and i still think about you and what we used to be.
it's been three years.
i can't move on because i told you i'd never break our promises.
how was it so easy for you to break them?
when i'm still holding onto the memories of us?
i don't want you back though.
but i still love you.

the reason i push back isn't because i don't want you around.
i hold back because i don't want to be a bother which is something i've felt like i was my whole life.
i don't know why my past keeps being used against me,
i just feel sad i feel like no one hears me.
i don't want people to feel sorry for me because feeling sorry for me won't make me any better.
i'm suffocating myself by getting into situations i shouldn't be going into, but i have the people who are bad for me there rather than the people in my life who should care about me and don't.
i'm just tired and want to go home,
but there is no home---
it's all in my head.