Jeju - Hello Poetry

Jeju Mar 4

living without you felt like a nightmare to me.
it was a nightmare that i didn't get to wake up to a mother's love and comfort in the mornings,
or even when i would sleep at night.
but now living with you,
i realize the only nightmare i'll ever live with
is the fact that you blame me for the way your life ended to be like.
but i'd rather carry your burdens,
than have anyone else do.
you are my mother,
and one day,
if not now,
or if not in this lifetime,
i hope you can say that you love me back too.

mom

Jeju Mar 4

try for them at least

it hurts worse as i get older.
i used to hold so much patience for you,
and i used to have control over my feelings.
but i've been carrying the pain for so long,
i'm starting to weaken in areas i used to carry strength.
you are my sickness,
the reason why i hurt,
and the reason why i can't breathe.
and i wish and hope so hard,
that you change for your other kids,
since you couldn't do it for me.

mom

Jeju Mar 4

what is love from a mother?

all this time
i tried to give you an excuse.
i tried to lie to myself
that you're just hurting too,
and you're trying your best.
i tell others you're a great mother to me,
and how lucky i am to have someone like you.
i mention how strong you are and how you're the strongest person i know.
i lie and i lie and i lie.
so that i don't have to face the reality
that you don't actually love me.
you see me as a stranger and want me out of your home.
you don't believe in me,
and i am no daughter to you.
how cruel a mother can be,
but you were never a mother to me.
i didn't grow up with a mother's love.
and even without a mother figure in my life,
i know **** well i won't be the kind of mother you were to me.
and i'll make sure my children don't grow up second guessing their mother's love,
like how i did with you.

to the person i'm supposed to call my "mother," but all she did was birth me.

Jeju Dec 2023

don't act like you know me---nobody knows me

nobody knows the real me.
the me that hurts, the me that hides, the me that cries alone, the me that sacrifices, the me that cares.
but no one would understand me anyway,
hell i don't even understand myself.

Jeju Dec 2023

angst

i used to think i was suffocating inside of a deep green forest where all i could see were pine trees, gloomy fogs and different paths to take.
sometimes i felt like i was in the bottom of an ocean suffocating and drowning in my sorrows as i let the water control my body.
other times i felt like i was suffocating in fire---in my childhood home that burned down.
i still feel like i'm suffocating now,
but i don't know whether it's the forest, the ocean, or the fire.
sometimes i believe i'm simply suffocating in the silence of my reality; who i am today, who i'm going to be tomorrow, and who i was yesterday.
i'm scared for what the future holds for me because the past took a part of my life that i will never forget and receive back.
i don't think i'm interested in living this life anymore because i barely survived the past, how will i survive the next?
i won't make it out this time.
i just know it.

Jeju Nov 2023

i'm still suffocating

it's been twelve years since my life changed..
since they changed me.
then why do i still feel seven years old?
and why does the pain keep on growing stronger?

what does my life mean if i can't move on

Jeju Nov 2023

everything i want to say/i swallow

there's so much anger that i carry,
so much sadness,
and so much of the person who i used to be.
sometimes my life doesn't feel real
but the more i distract myself
the longer i can ignore that i'm unhappy in my present.
the distractions numb me so majority of the time i'm fine,
but now the distractions aren't working and i'm forced to face what's wrong.
i do and don't know what's wrong.
i know it's not my fault why everything in my life is destroyed,
but i can't keep blaming what i said i've forgiven.
how do i move on