I’m a wooden doll.
With a cage for a chest.
I do not dream.
I do not rest.
I think I feel.
But it might be in my head.
Can I dream?
Am I dead?
My arms are stiff.
My joints are creaking.
Someone has cut the strings.
Now I’m the one thinking.
My face is painted, and I’m smiling.
Yet, I’m here, inside,
Crying.

I want to crawl
Into a ball
And go to sleep
Forever
My eyes are
Running wild
Sick water
Streaming down
My head is
Full of air
And my nose
Nothing's there
I want to crawl
Into a ball
And go to sleep
Forever

Baby, I'm already asleep
I've got clouds underneath my feet
Come up and join me

The dew drops don't last very long
Hurry now, or they'll be gone
We'll crash onto the lawn

I don't think that we would even care
If the sun suddenly decided to stare
As you ran your fingers through my hair

I'm death in Doc Martens.
With mint green fingers.
Louis Armstrong hold me down.
This is going to be a long winter.

Sleepy murmurs with the shades drawn shut
Only a thin crack of light attempting to say,
A early & abrupt good morning
But I don't really want a morning at all
Rolling over as the sheets rub my skin
Light & airy, but I feel very heavy
I admire you in muted silence
You meet my eyes with ocean calm
I shift closer to you, pulling my chest to yours
You wrap your arms around me
And I do the same, we are mirrors
I lay my head against your collar bone
Let out a long held breath,
That pushes it's way out hurriedly
One of my legs goes between yours
A tangle of me & you
I feel your chin on my head
I feel like a tiny flower in your hands
I whisper, closing my eyes,
"Is it going to be like this forever?"
I feel you sigh,
Your chest rises & falls
Filled, then emptied with it
You run your hand over,
Then through my hair
And I let out a thankful bit of air
"Only if you want it to be, my love."

I wait for cigs to appear in a tiny tea can
I buy things I don't need, not out of greed
He gets off late at night, quite near three
I'm not good at loving anybody, any man,
Anything

Why must I love the poets, the painters, the piano players?

I dilute, I digress, as he touches my chest
Soft permeating whispers of spurious love
Pretending for a reason to reach this octave
I'm somewhere distant, somewhere I can rest
A mess

Are artists meant to be with artists? Do they bring out in each other what is darkest?

He lies tired, I wide awake with moon eyes
I curl my ivory back to his kisses and fingers
My cold heart does nothing but shiver
This is a sad type of a music, reprise after reprise
I sometimes cry

And I can't get close, cause I can't relate.
No brain train is the same,
but mines off the rails and no one knows what it's like to ride,
******* great,
*this is why I don't date.

I read something from a long time ago.
And it made me cry.
The thunder outside told me to shut up.
And then I realized it was raining.
But I stopped crying.
Because I'm not supposed to, cry, I mean.
And I grabbed a cigarette.
And my zippo that says lucky on it.
Made of '04.
I love that lighter.
I went outside and lit it.
But I didn't want my mom to come out.
And see how I was.
So I started walking in the rain.
I didn't want my cigarette to get hit by the rain.
So I stuck it underneath my shirt.
And then I walked.
And while I was walking, I tripped.
I accidentally burned my belly button.
How the **** did I manage that.

I'm so stupid

So I walked to the side of the house.
There is a little porch big enough for one.
I finished my cigarette with my eyes closed.
Just listening to the rain.
When it was done, I walked up to the steps.
And I sat down, still getting pelted with water.
I realized I couldn't keep sitting, I was shaking.
So I got up and started walking towards the back of the house.
I walked to the very back, towards the alleyway.
Making sure to drag my feet in the puddles, soaking my pajama pants.
I got to the back gate.
And I started crying again.

You are hopeless, this is hopeless, what are you even doing here?

The thunder told me to shut up again.

You are wasteless

I saw my old trampoline and started jumping on it.
When I was little, I used to sing to the rain.
I would sing good songs, to try and soothe it.
Never sing 'rain rain go away'.
That's makes the rain upset.
And the thunder says to stop.
So I jumped.
And I sang a little bit.
Then I laid down and closed my eyes.
Just got completely soaked, y'know.

You are going to be okay, everything is okay.

Just felt the pitter patter of rain drops on me.
Tried to bury my zippo in my clothes so it wouldn't get wet.
Then I got up, cried a little more.
And I walked back.
I walked back towards the front of the house slowly.

You are going to be okay, everything is okay.

Dragging my feet in puddles.

I miss you Grant, I hate you Sam, and I love you..Well, you know who you are.

Just getting completely soaked.

You are going to be okay, everything is okay.

And I went inside, smiled at my mom.
Went downstairs.
And changed my clothes.
Began getting ready for work.


You are going to be okay, everything is okay.





*You are not okay, everything is not going to be okay.

Introverted.
The doctor says I'm broken.
Possible to not have a ******?
Guess it never developed.
Like my sense of humour.
Ha ha.
I guess I won't share my horror stories.
No babies in my stomach.
No child with matching hazel eyes.
Making things even more complicated.
Forced to be celibate by my body.
Doctor appointments needed.
Glad I never tried.
It would have hurt that much more.
Dysfunctional is an understatement.
I can't provide anything,
But my mind.
And even I don't want that.

Don't be a stranger in my bed.
You already filled the vacancy in my head
But I share this place with me alone
You can't get inside, but it's yours to hold

The elderly man on the bike
His beard wrapped around his front wheel
His eyes are as shifty as his breaks
He wonders at the breaths that he takes

Brazen collarbones
Alabaster dream
Jutting out like little wings
Pouty grin
Ready to fire quicker
Than any takers
Girl, you sit there,
And I can tell
You want to watch
Men burn

Twisting, spinning, agonizing pain!
Coming in crashing, smashing waves!
Overlapping, faster, faster, faster!
And then slowing to a stand still
Recovering from the drilling
My body is slowly chilling
But then it comes back!
I'm again under attack!
This torture, I do not lack.

Tepid times, as the grass,
Covered in little, tiny
Dew drops, sways in
The hot wind of
The orange summer sky
I run my red tinted fingers
On your sticky warm face
In the almost dead
Vegetation
I close my eyes
Feeling the heat coat me
As your hand
Slips from mine
For you were just a
*Mirage

I drafted my dreams out on a string from window to window

                                                         ­                                               Where they could see some sunshine

                So that they could feel the breeze that whipped the willow trees

                                                          ­I lay on the grass for hours hoping something would change

                                        Everything seemed so strange and sadly serene

My dreams used to be such a large part of me
  
                                                           ­                          I finished my cigarette as the wind writhed, breathing

                                    Pulled down the preliminary principles made of follies, folded them quietly

       Walked inside, adjusting my somber eyes to darker lights

                                                         ­       I open the closet door gently, hands full of my old fabrications

                             I keep lying to myself & trying to tell myself I'm
                                                             ­                                                   putting them away for
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                     *'safe-keeping'.

dew drop demons heavily falling off the leaves
                                                           then landing on my cheeks
                         where the absent of tears is present
electric strands twisting in the clouds
                                            making loud noises illuminating my face
                  and shaking loose the self knotted noose
the birds are calling to me,
                               chirping quietly watching with beady black eyes,
          responding to my cries and lamentations
as I fall to my knees, no longer running,
                                                                ­     ready  
                                                         ­      my wails turn into whimpers
as their wings began to whisper
                                  the raindrops start to quiver,
                                                              da­mpening my already worn skin
cuts from branches and thorns burn
                                             and my clothes are torn
I can hear them in the silence
                      as they take flight
             then gently land
in my hair and on my bare skin,
                                               their little claw like fingers grasp
I'm surrounded in sight by bright black wings
                                      circling my vision
                          they begin twisting into shapes I've never seen
               eradicating me
                                 and I go home,
                                                      painl­essly.

I don't want to go to sleep

Weeks that stretch to the ends of forever

Because sleeping is weak

Never stopping weeping with the weather

And although I am that epitamy

Lost in the tangles in equal measures

I've been weak for weeks and weeks and weeks

Opposite spin
Smiling chagrin
Drudging eyeballs
Standing so tall
Feelin' ******
Livin' gritty
New 'ork City

She paints her face.
She decorates her shape.
She confiscates her fate.
With shaking grasps.
With irregular gasps.
With her heartbeat fast.
She knows not.
She never forgot.
She straightens, taut.
With little light.
With her fright.
With her eyes.
A creeping nothing.
A dreadful something.
A thought envelops her.

Head to the body
Swallow hot toddy

A dash of narcissism

To make the throat burn
Make my insides churn

A dollop of ego

And I'm getting drunk
On your self-absorbed funk

All mixed in hot

I do it recreationally
Unconnected emotionally

We pretend we care for one another

A heavy heart
And a heavier head
With a gentle hand
And soulful eyes
Is all I need
In a guy

The white pages, they taunt me
Haunt me
Empty canvas stripped of colour
Somehow duller
And I'm dimmer too for that
A fading glimmer
Each line shakes as I run away
Disappearing yesterdays
The heat hardens my fingertips
Faucets drip
Grasping at thin red strings
My aching heart
Cannot sing

We grow distant as the days begin to fade
I can already feel you forgetting my name

Everything is covered in a thin layer of ash
My lungs
My dreams
Nothing is as it used to seem
Now lay me down to sleep
Just you and I
Choked, by the smoke
Of my mind's demise

i sometimes sing myself to sleep so i can forget your soft voice murmuring

but it's never enough to erase your rough touch from my frail being

and as i lay awake and think about dreams that will suffocate me,

i can almost see the endless amount of breaths i wasted waiting for someone to love me.

Before you left, you struggled.
Making me your endeavor.
Fed me wine & flattery.
You bid me goodbye.

You said you never use the phone.
Am I going to be waiting?
My ash tray is so packed now,
Hope thinned down by smoke.

I sat by the telephone
For the last time yesterday,
Drinking your red moscato.
I am done with you

She stared at her wall
Filled up with photos
Of friends & family
Their faces marked out
With black marker
So she couldn't see the
Smiles that she believed
Were only made for her
Benefit

If you're a bird than I'm a stone
You are time & I had to toll
If you are lonely, I am alone
You rock but I don't roll

You are coffee, but I'm not creamer
You're a realist, **** that, I'm a dreamer
You are Han Solo, & I'm Boba Fett
Sometimes I think it'd be better if we never met

I hate you I hate you I hate you

She's all sharp edges
And geometric lines
Bold colors
Unraveling in twines
Touch her
And she'll fold up
Like a flower

I wish I were a cigarette
Perched in-between your perfect arched lips
Breathe me into you
I'll swirl in smoke tendrils around your face
And then I'll happily fade away
Until you light up another later
Being your bad habit isn't so bad
If that's what I am to you,
I'll take it

I want to be the one
That fills up your
Polaroids
Those polaroids
You keep hidden
In your drawer
That show me
Sitting on the bed
Bare backed
In the sunlight
From the open window
With my head turned
Looking at you

Head floating.
Thump thump
Thumping in your head.
Thump thump
You can feel every breath
Inhale
Dragging down your throat
Exhale
Each one a different texture
Inhale
Soft and cool, slipping down
Exhale
Climbing up, pushing out
Inhale
Your chest a vast cavern
Exhale
And every nerve attentive
Thump thump
Not being able to speak
Should I?
Nothing is important enough to say
Is it?
You are amplified and too focused
Am I?
Every thought decaying
Thump thump
You can feel the pieces falling
Thump thump
Making your heart quiver
Thump thump
And it goes on for hours
Thump thump
Which seems like years

Thump thump
And you can't hide your fears

Thump
They focus on you

Thump
And latch onto you

Thum
They love you

Thu
Don't let them go

Th
You need them

T
And they

.
need you.

Focus.
  It's how perception alters when the
          overlooked explodes with
                                         prominence.

Stretching this vast expanse of past all along.
Smoking tendrils climbing from my mouth.
I only have one face,
                    Plato was wrong.

And kisses linger, but with time, fade away.
I feel my lungs fill with the entirety of it.
Was I only one,
                     *when sculpted from clay?

He watched
As some of the
Parents
Put their car
Seats into their
Trunks.
He knew that
Those car
Seats were
Going to be
Empty before
The parents
Came to pick
Their kids
Up...

Follow me down the rabbit hole,
We have a very long way to go
I know you want to turn around
Save her from the porcelain god
That she prays to
But it's too late and she is already gone
I've got things to show you
Things that I trust you to see
I'm taking you with me
So follow me down the rabbit hole,
Slip your hand in mine
I'm going to tug you along through
And there isn't any need to be scared
The monsters in here are only after me
We've passed the rabbit hole & now
I see you looking around
It's a wreck isn't it?
I've let it go to ruin.
Your hand slips out of mine &
You walk towards rows & rows of
Endless houses that are destroyed and sorrowful
I built those once, they were beautiful
They hurt your eyes to look at, don't they?
You stand solid and silent, your eyes drinking in
This landscape that I had made
Then you begin picking things up
Putting things where you think they should be placed.
What are you doing?!
You look at me & say,
'I'm building'
I tug on your shoulder,
Making you drop a piece of debris
Stop, I say
But you aren't listening to me
You smile at me and kiss my forehead,
Then you proceed
I scream and shout and you don't listen
Get out! Get out! Get out!
This isn't what I brought you here for
This is my rabbit hole
All I wanted you to do was see!
You aren't allowed to touch this stuff
THIS IS MINE
I destroyed this for a reason!
I grab you by the collar and tug you with all my force
Your eyes are wide with surprise
For someone so small, I moved you quite a bit
And we make eye contact
I crumple to the ground
And I look around
At all the houses that I built & destroyed
At this toxic wasteland
That is my rabbit hole
My eyes are stained black from tears
I didn't know still ran
I whisper
'Go back to her & her porcelain god.'
'I don't know why I brought you here.'
'Go.'
And you stand there, startled,
Slowly you turn around and leave
My face is buried in my knees
I'm in my rabbit hole
No one else should see.

My agressor had my face
Ran my fingers
On my cheeks
But I was weak
My swollen eyes
Absorbed how
And I fled
I began running
I never stopped
I haven't stopped
I don't blame the world
And it doesn't blame me
I don't run from it
I run from what I've seen
Of myself
The one in the mirror
I guess I like running
The burning feeling
You get in your sides
Makes me feel alive
Even though I'm a lie
The one in the mirror
Knows & watches
And I know it's true
That I am in fact,
A lie
But the one,
In the mirror
Is the one that
Faces it

A swig here
An intake there
All it takes
Is one more
Thought
To consume
My mind
And envelop
My heart

You take falsities like golden coins.
You take the change they made and stamp it as your own.
Shade, variation, and creative designs are ******* under your eyes.
Importance is only important when it’s green or shiny.
Depending on the donor, the value can change.
People begging you to graze their coins and cast an approving glance.
They know not that you are a fool.
But you are only that, in a teacher’s skin.
You are only a student who learned the incorrect subject.
You are more wrong than a pope with a habit.

Read each word
Reach for each word
Let it sit in your mouth
Twirl in with your tongue
Taste it
Savor it
Feel it on your cheek
Then speak